So… I have been meaning to write this little blog for a few months now. However.. A few things have stood in my way. Mostly myself. I wanted to take a moment to brag on myself a little.. But haven’t been feeling worthy of the bragging. However… Just recently I have been told that I am too hard on myself… So I’m taking a moment to reflect.. And yes maybe brag a little. Just know what your getting into. But first I’ll start with the reason I haven’t been feeling worthy. I have been feeling really squishy (like a busted can of biscuits maybe) since the holidays. I blame cupcakes, my onion ring addiction and well.. All around not good choices sometimes. I feel like I preach “make good choices” and while I really do pretty well overall… I could be doing better. But you know what… I am a human. Not perfect. At all…and guess what. That’s okay. (That part was for me… And I’m going to type it again cuz I don’t believe it sometimes) IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE PERFECT. it’s okay to have some frosting… And maybe a little bit more… Sometimes. It’s okay to skip a workout or two. Your body, soul, spirit needs a break. Rest is okay. Rest…. Something I honestly need to work on. I have a hard time sitting still sometimes. It’s true. But I can’t be so hard on myself. My pants still fit and I’m happy= I win!!
So…. Here is where I brag a little. Last year I set out to run 672 miles. Yes, the girl who refused to run the mile in high school…. Set out to run 672 miles in 2015. Just in case you are wondering that was about 56 miles per month. I am not going to lie… I was nervous that I bit of more than I could chew. I started off strong in January (I ran 100 miles in that month alone)… Truth be told i think I broke myself that month. And then I had to step it up… Was quite a roller coaster of a year. I can’t lie. Not all of the runs were enjoyable. Sometimes I ran because I “had to get my miles in” here is how my year looked she. It came to miles:
Now.. I bet your saying to yourself. Umm. Tonya, that’s more than 672 miles. Yup! I pushed it a little. 681 made more sense because 81 is kind of my number. 81 is my “ultimate weight lose goal” and.. Well I was born in 1981. So.. I pushed a little harder and made it happen. Therefore, I have to be proud of me. I made a goal and I crushed it!! I ran further than I’d ever ran before… I ran faster than I had ever done before. I pushed myself further than I thought possible. So.. Bottom line. I’m freaking pumped that I actually did it.
Okay… Moving on. Here is why I continue this healthy living journey. It’s because of random messages I occasionally get like this: (I hope she doesn’t mind… I tried to take out any personally identifying info) but I’m really proud of her and it inspires me to continue doing what I do. Here’s the message:
The word pregnant is missing. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. This is from someone that I admire dearly. And I can’t explain how proud I am of her courage and strength! Bottom line… I have to keep on keeping on! And when I beat myself up.. That’s not helpful to me or people who are looking to me to be an example. It’s really not helpful. So.. Instead.. Let’s celebrate our successes. Live a little and be kind. Be kind … Even to ourselves. K?!?!
So a month ago I wrote a blog. And I received some of the kindest words from a friend of mind. Apparently I inspire people! Me?!?! I guess so! How did I do such a thing? Just by being me I guess! Here is what a friend of mind posted on Facebook….
First I need to say that I am so freaking proud of how she has taken control of her life that it’s an inspiration to me! It’s definitely a full circle type of deal.
It really did get me thinking. How Would 221 lb Tonya have reacted if you would have told her that someday she would inspire someone to lose half their body weight? What would she say if you told her that countless people would look to her for inspiration and motivation on a regular basis? If you would have told Chubby Tonya that people would literally make different choices from the vending machine just because I walked in the break room?
This much I know. I would not have believed it was a possibility. I didn’t have enough belief in myself that I would be able to make the changes necessary to even be where I am today. But I started on a journey… That has been steal,y quite amazing ….
I think The coolest part about what Bonnie wrote is that fact that I inspired her just by being me. By my being imperfect and flawed and being honest about my struggles and just by living my life. Not shoving healthy living down her throat. That’s how I hope to continue to be. An inspiration just by being me.
It’s people like Bonnie that keep me having my head in the game. It was really easy when I was leading weight watchers meetings (chubby Tonya would have laughed if you told her that was in her future!) and had to stand up in front of a group of people and be accountable. Now, I don’t have that. I don’t have to weigh in weekly. It is up to me to keep going. And it’s hard…
Being someone’s inspiration is really kind of a cool thing… But it’s also a lot of pressure. Like I can’t slip up. I have to stay on my A game. However, it also means that when I do have a moment there are always people to knock me back to my senses 😉 I am so blessed to have such a solid support system!
Your future is in your hands. What are you going to do with it? People are watching you… Be proud of who you are. And be You. You are beautiful, capable and amazing… Above all.. You are worth it! It’s not easy! Losing weight was not easy and keeping it off is not any easier. But don’t give up! Deal?!?
So. I had to have a little talk with myself again. I basically had a wake up moment and I needed to tell myself to shut up. They say you are your own worst critic and I believe that. I must admit I am way hard on myself. For not being where I think I should be. For my thighs that are not as small as I want them to be. For my muffin top that is too squishy (more accurately a cupcake top in my case). I beat myself up for not working out as hard as I could. I sometimes freak out about making good food choices… And get disappointed in myself when I choose unwise choices. Are any of those things helpful?!?! Nope! Not at all! How would it make me feel to lift myself up instead? To be happy with how far I’ve come?! To be proud of how freaking strong I’ve become? You know there was one point in life, oh about 77 lbs or so ago that I would haven’t given just about anything to look/ feel/ be able to do what this body can do. Speaking of which. Check this out:
Both of those are me. I really am not the same girl as the top photo. Lacking self confidence. Even super shy (which I know those of you that know me now don’t believe)! I was not comfortable in my own skin really. So many things are different!
Thinking maybe, just maybe I should be a little nicer to…me. What do you say? Will you join me? Make it a daily goal to just be a little better than the person we were yesterday… And if (and by if I mean when.. Let’s be real) we mess up… We be kind to our selfs. K?!? Let’s do this!
Bored. Hungry. Tired. Stressed. Nervous. Overwhelmed. Free food. Reward. Sad. Lonely. Celebration. Just because.
Those are all reasons I have been known to eat. Oh.. And I suppose I eat because I am hungry too. I guess you can say I am an emotional eater. Why? Because food gets it. Food doesn’t judge and food understands. Oh and it tastes real good too. Is this a healthy habit… Of course not!!! The problems do not go away when the food is gone. The problems remain… And know what else is there?!?! Guilt for making poor choices. Bleh. Can be an endless cycle if you let it. Good news: you don’t have to let it. Food doesn’t control you. You are the boss!!
That’s why I’m blogging about it. So when I am tempted to fall into an emotional eating situation I can be reminded that food really isn’t the answer. Can I promise that it will not happen ever? Nope! Why? Cuz I am not perfect. That’s why. I have over the course of my journey learned to somewhat curb these emotional eating binges. I have learned to stop and ask “is this food really worth it” and have learned to budget my splurges into my life. I have turned to running or working out in stressful times. I rely on friends/ family (my amazing support system) when I’m feeling weak. I do things to keep my hands busy so I’m not tempted to fill my hands with food. I distract myself so I stop thinking about food. I try and deal with the issue rather than mask it with ice cream.
I have a good friend whose relationship with food is purely “food is fuel” and has a “eat to live … rather than a live to eat” mentality. I am not sure I will ever get there. I just like food to much. I have been able to find and maintain a balance…. But it’s still a struggle. A DAILY struggle. However hard it is/ has been to manage emotional eating…it is worth it! Feeling healthy and well is more important than the cupcake I didn’t eat on Monday. I. Gonna leave you with a couple of Pintrest quotes. Love me some Pintrest quotes… Yup. That’s good English 😉
Make it a great day…. And make good choices!!
Tuesday mornings are weigh in time in TonyaLand. Confession. I was ANGRY yesterday. Angry at the scale… But more importantly angry are ME. The scale showed an accurate representation of the choices I have been making. When I stepped on it I heard the scale say “Tonya, you can’t out exercise a poor diet” I wanted to keep being angry and beat myself up… But key people in my life basically told me to “Knock it Off” and “pull your head out of your butt”. I just needed to have a moment. A moment to reflect on where I went wrong but also how I can do better in the future. During this reflection I came to the conclusion that my anger stemmed from fear. Fear of getting fat. Fear of being unhealthy and unhappy. Scared because it was just a few weeks off my game and there was that big of a gain. I stumbled upon this quote in my Facebook feed and it hit me at just the right time…
The way I have decided to deal with this…. “Hiccup” in my journey is to acknowledge it happened. Take responsibility and MOVE ON. Don’t worry my friends. I still got this. I got goals to keep hitting. Just one day, week or even month can’t get me down. On that note… I’m going to keep on keeping on. Let’s do it together. If I can do it… So can you! Be healthy and make good choices!
Now that I have got your attention.. and quite possible the Kit Kat jingle in your head (you’re welcome). Here is thoughts that have been brewing in the wonderfully complex brain of Tonya as of recent. I have actually been experiencing a little blog withdrawl… it’s been 12 days since I added wisdom (or ramblings) to the blog world. So here goes. As you all know I am on a mission to run 100 miles in January. Well, Just a quick update. I am RoCkInG it! As of today I am at 86 miles. And have a plan on how to get the rest of them in before Scrapbook Camp. Well, Here is what happened on Wednesday. I was feeling nothing short of exhausted. My body was like “okay, Ton… you have ran enough I can’t run another step let alone mile” I wanted to run.. like in my mind I had a goal to hit. I also had other stuff to do at the gym. Apparently my exhaustion was apparent and was told to take a rest day. A WHAT!?!? I can’t.. Not now. Are you ILL?!? are you kidding me?! these are all things I either thought or said. Well contrary to my desire to just run regardless.. I took it easy and called it a rest day. I took a BREAK!?!? huh. Interesting concept. I actually took off Wednesday and Thursday. Funny Part… I felt better the next day. More energy and more gumption. Here is the bottom line. You deserve a break. Maybe it’s a break from running, or whatever your workout of choice is. Maybe you made poor choices at Pizza Ranch (oh..wait..that was me) and instead of giving yourself a lecture.. you give yourself a break. Maybe you didn’t hit a goal you were striving for in your perfect little time frame… I don’t know what it is… Just..Gain a renewed focus and do better tomorrow. Maybe your life is super scheduled and you feel like you are pulled in a billion directions. Take a break. Relax. read a book… watch a movie. DO NOTHING. it’s okay. Healthy even. Take care of you mentally and physically. Why? Cuz you are worth it. That’s why. Life isn’t perfect and may not be exactly as you thought it would be. It’s OKAY. Give yourself a break and make this the best life… you really only get one. Make it matter.
SO.. I have a lot to say…. and be warned I am highly caffeinated. So read on with caution. But please read on because I think this is going to be good. I wish you could have seen the light bulb moment when this hit me. Let me set the scene for ya. I was running last night on the track at my gym when all of a sudden my jaw just dropped and I was would almost see the light bulb appear. So funny. And it’s really not that deep. But I think it is helpful for us to think about. Another important background piece is that the current series at Church is about seeds. Planting, growing, harvesting. These thoughts are planted in those messages. I am including the link if you want to watch the services online if you are interested in the biblical principles about seeds. www.greatjoy.org It has been REALLY good. okay. But my little blog is not about a biblical principle. It, like most things in my life, refers back to my weight loss journey. One of my passions in life has become living a healthy journey and helping others to do the same.
SO, here is my current light bulb moment thoughts.You don’t just wake up one day and decide you want to lose weight and the next day it’s gone. DUH, right?!? well. We sometimes approach it that way. I have heard/ said things like “swimsuit season is coming, better start losing weight” “Pants are getting tight, time to change something” you know. Class reunions, weddings the such. We want the quick fix. We want a short cut. Let me tell ya something. there isn’t a short cut. Like Pastor Brian has said a few times during this series that he doesn’t plan a tomato plant today and expect to be eating a BLT for dinner tomorrow.
So let’s think about seeds for a second. First thing is they are small right?!? I have found one of the main things that has really helped in my journey is the itty bitty little things. Small changes lead to big results. Also, as with seeds, Weight Loss takes time. Not only that, the journey of all seeds are not the same. You can not compare the fruit of an apple seed to that of a tomato seed. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s. This one might be a little stretch but the way I see it in my imagination is that attitudes is the soil for the weight loss journey seed. The right attitude will help that weight loss seed flourish. OOOH. and… storms! They will come. Trials, temptations, people trying to sabotage you. The seed uses those storms to provide as substance for growth. And one horrible bad day doesn’t kill the seeds… The other thing about time is that it is going to pass whether or not we are taking control of our health. Some days are going to be sunny and lovely and life seems easy and hunky dory… Others not so much. Hang I’m there. If you are going to enjoy the harvest (or flourish if you are a flower seed) you are gonna have to put in the time. Feed, water and treat yourself well. See how much it relates?!?! All I can hope is the next time you see a flower or a seed or a plant you see… You! Flourishing. And new. See the harvest inside the seed. You might not be able to see it… But it’s there. Just like I could never envision the butterfly I was about to become when I started. I also find as a leader at weight watchers it is easier for me to see the potential in someone than they can see in themselves. I have written about that before. Trust me. Trust the process and most importantly trust yourself.
Grow little seed of healthyness. Flourish. Be happy. And make good choices. It happens one little tiny itty bitty good choice at a time.
I hope you appreciated my caffeinated rambling… To the gym I go to run off a little of this energy 😉