Believe in Yourself

I am guessing I am not alone in this… but sometimes I have doubts. Crazy right?!?!? I think things are impossible so sometimes…. just sometimes…. it stops me from even trying. Do you know how strange that is? Let’s think about it… how do you know you can’t do something if you never tried? What do you have to lose. Sometimes my confidence waivers and I start believing the “you can’t do it” lie. And thoughts of quitting and doubt and fear try and creep in. This is where my Believe tattoo come in handy cuz I need  a constant reminder to believe.  Here is a story about a time where I didn’t quit…

This story takes place in Cold Spring MN at the iRock Run 5K that was on Saturday May 2nd. First I have to tell you that this run hold a special place in my heart. The run starts at the company that a lot of my uncles worked and my grandpa Mack worked as well. I just feel a sense of connection to them being there. The run brings you through the lot that houses all the granite and part of it even went through the warehouse. It was just so cool to be surrounded by the product (granite) that they used to work with for years and years.  I can only imagine how proud my grandpa would be of me. He passed away when I was a teenager. I was a VERY different person then! Just being there made me feel nostalgic and I wanted to do really well to make him proud.

Me with grandpa mack (2)

This is the last photo I have of me and my grandpa Mack (he made me sit on his lap). Love this photo.

I really had my heart set on doing well in this 5k. I knew from past experience that this was a small run with few participants so I figured I could end up in the top finishers. However… the week before the 5k I logged 23 miles in 7 days.(that is a lot for me in a week these days… so the doubt started creeping in) Needless to say my legs felt a little like Jello. Oh and I Rollerbladded 6 miles on Friday night also.

The day of the run was HOT. It was 75 degrees. Unseasonably warm for May in MN. I wasn’t ready for that. It seemed like my dreams of doing well were shot a few times. The legs, the heat and there was a HUGE issues with my music. This girl doesn’t run without music. Long story short I got to the starting line and my iPod has been wiped of ALL my music. So I had to run listening to my iPhone music that kept playing the same song on repeat!  Funny story the lyrics of the song go ” you’re not gonna die tonight” that was just what I needed to hear. (not necessarily over and over and over again) Needless to say I was fidgeting with my phone more than I should have been. I never stop and walk in a 5k. well I had to this time. I got a major side pain! However I pushed through. I had grandpa Mack to make proud and most of all I had Me to make proud too.  So I just kept putting on foot in front of the other. I had a little chat with… well me… and it went something like “you aren’t a quitter anymore.” I have decided that quitting is caterpillar behavior. I am working on making butterfly decisions.  The butterfly decision here was to give it my all. When I started running (in 2011) I would slow down when I came close to the finish because I think subconsciously I figured I was gonna finish so I would take a break or something dumb. Now I power through to the very end. As you might have guessed it I didn’t quit.   Not this time!

I came across the finish line like a champ.

11150367_845105288894442_9060773124381262383_n That is me finishing with flair. Yup. I am a dork. But I didn’t quit. I chose to believe in myself. I killed this 5k and I was so freaking proud of me. Had I let those doubts win… I would have never had that feeling. I would have never got a twenty five dollar gift certificate towards new SHOES (I like shoes) and I would have never got this cool little granite plaque thingy ….

0180cde43e043d864986570ec732886695aa2d8a96The reason behind the award… well I was the second female in my age group to cross the finish line. The reason behind the gift certificate was because I was the 3rd female to cross the finish line. Even better is my time was 24:22. My fastest 5k time yet! Nailed it! Here is the fitsnap I made of the run.

01388fd3b1d4e571da416a7a05f6c9794ebae6f7e6_00001So much orange= Awesome! The moral of the story is this: Believe in yourself. Whether it’s in business, in weight loss, in fitness or basically in life in general. You are worth believing in. You can do things you never thought were possible. Be the person you want to be. Only you can control that. The future is what you make it. I know all of those things are cliché but they are true. Think of the things you can accomplish if you acted like you believed in you. I know I have quoted it before and I am sure I will quote it again “You will always act like the person you believe yourself to be”. My Pastor Brian says it a lot. So my question to you is: Who do YOU believe YOURSELF to be?!?!?



SO.. I have a lot to say…. and be warned I am highly caffeinated. So read on with caution. But please read on because I think this is going to be good. I wish you could have seen the light bulb moment when this hit me. Let me set the scene for ya. I was running last night on the track at my gym when all of a sudden my jaw just dropped and I was would almost see the light bulb appear. So funny. And it’s really not that deep. But I think it is helpful for us to think about. Another important background piece is that the current series at Church is about seeds. Planting, growing, harvesting. These thoughts are planted in those messages. I am including the link if you want to watch the services online if you are interested in the biblical principles about seeds. It has been REALLY good.  okay. But my little blog is not about a biblical principle. It, like most things in my life, refers back to my weight loss journey. One of my passions in life has become living a healthy journey and helping others to do the same.

SO, here is my current light bulb moment thoughts.You don’t just wake up one day and decide you want to lose weight and the next day it’s gone. DUH, right?!? well. We sometimes approach it that way. I have heard/ said things like “swimsuit season is coming, better start losing weight” “Pants are getting tight, time to change something” you know. Class reunions, weddings the such. We want the quick fix. We want a short cut. Let me tell ya something. there isn’t a short cut. Like Pastor Brian has said a few times during this series that he doesn’t plan a tomato plant today and expect to be eating a BLT for dinner tomorrow.

So let’s think about seeds for a second. First thing is they are small right?!? I have found one of the main things that has really helped in my journey is the itty bitty little things. Small changes lead to big results. Also, as with seeds, Weight Loss takes time.  Not only that, the journey of all seeds are not the same. You can not compare the fruit of an apple seed to that of a tomato seed. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s. This one might be a little stretch but the way I see it in my imagination is that attitudes is the soil for the weight loss journey seed. The right attitude will help that weight loss seed flourish. OOOH. and… storms! They will come. Trials, temptations, people trying to sabotage you. The seed uses those storms to provide as substance for growth. And one horrible bad day doesn’t kill the seeds… The other thing about time is that it is going to pass whether or not we are taking control of our health. Some days are going to be sunny and lovely and life seems easy and hunky dory… Others not so much. Hang I’m there. If you are going to enjoy the harvest (or flourish if you are a flower seed) you are gonna have to put in the time. Feed, water and treat yourself well. See how much it relates?!?! All I can hope is the next time you see a flower or a seed or a plant you see… You! Flourishing. And new. See the harvest inside the seed. You might not be able to see it… But it’s there. Just like I could never envision the butterfly I was about to become when I started. I also find as a leader at weight watchers it is easier for me to see the potential in someone than they can see in themselves. I have written about that before. Trust me. Trust the process and most importantly trust yourself.

Grow little seed of healthyness. Flourish. Be happy. And make good choices. It happens one little tiny itty bitty good choice at a time.

I hope you appreciated my caffeinated rambling… To the gym I go to run off a little of this energy 😉

Is this just a dream?!!?

Gonna start this thing off with the truth. This could get lengthy. Something happened today that I thought might never happen….. at a time I was least expecting it. I wrote two weeks ago about sabotaging myself and how I seem to fall short of my dreams by my own undoing. Well…. Something musta hit home… Here is how the story unfolds.

6:30am Alarm goes off. Tonya thinks “oh crap Tuesday morning weigh in” and then quickly replays the last week of food choices.
6:45ish. Getting ready to shower… Hop on the scale it’s shows I nearly hit my ULTIMATE weight goal. I do not believe it!
30 seconds later… I took off my shirt… Stepped back on the scale… And bam! There it is! But wait… Am I dreaming?!?! Rub the sleep from my eyes….Grab my phone and step on again… Got a picture. Not a dream! Goal weight was 140….


I’m gonna be real honest… As much as I know in my head “the number doesn’t matter and I am just trying to be fit and healthy” this was a HUGE deal for me! Had people ask me at work hey the heck I was so happy. Apparently I don’t hide my emotions real well. But today I Did not care! I felt like I could explode with excitement!

What does this all mean!?!? Well… Now I have to figure out who is going to draw my tattoo, who is going to tattoo it and where am I gonna put it?!?!
Oh.. And in case you don’t know the origin behind this SOON coming tattoo… And because I just like to tell the story when I get a chance…. Here it is. A couple years ago I was trying to figure out a way to commemorate my weight loss journey. I couldn’t think of a better representation in the world than a butterfly. The transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly is dramatic. I feel like I am longer the chubby girl who’s weight held her back from trying to do things. And even further a butterfly simply can not return to the state of a caterpillar… As the tattoo will serve as a reminder that I too can not return to the unhealthy being I once was. Also… My middle name means butterfly. So that works too.
And there is a verse in the bible …… 2 Corinthians 5:17 that says : Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! That symbolizes new life as well. I am Also a tidge obsessed with the color orange… So it shall be monarch-ish as well. Another super spiffy thing is that I can now say I have officially lost 81 lbs!!! And I was born in 1981! Check that out! I want it to not only remind me but to use as a tool to inspire others.

So there you have it! This day is best day ever material in TonyaLand!

Was talking to my mom about it and she referenced the Sabotage blog. Saying that apparently I had to let a few things go (maybe I didn’t even realize I was hanging onto) to be able to breakthrough… Well there has been a breakthrough people! And I could not be happier! This, however is not the end. Time to find new challenges and make new goals. Enjoy the journey of the butterfly… Never to be a caterpillar again! Until next time. Make good choices… And remember: you got this!

Sabatage? Not this time!

Okay… so something has been bugging me for a long time. It’s time to come clean and get this off my chest. Here is where my frustration begins. This time last year I was 3 lbs. away from my tattoo weight. How do I know this? Well I remember being at a Halloween party and to avoid indulging on too much temptation I literally wrote the number 3 on my wrist to make me stop and ask myself “is it worth it” before I made a poor food choice. Of course it didn’t stop me from completely…but I think it helped. Anyways. Fast forward to today. I am… you guessed it 3 lbs. away from my tattoo weight. Frustrated? YUP… just a little.

Here is what tends to happen to me when I come to points in my journey like this. I quit. I get frustrated. I figure why bother? I tend to fall into a trap where I sabotage myself and start falling back into old habits and stop caring. WHY?!?! This is what I have been pondering/ obsessing about recently. I recently recalled an experience at work when my supervisor told me that I was scared of success… I thought that was the craziest thing I ever heard. He said I just do enough to get by…but don’t challenge myself above and beyond. I never thought about that. Wondering if it’s the same with this weight loss journey I am on. I don’t know why I would be scared to succeed at something I have worked so hard to get to…. and something I want soooo bad. I guess it is possible that I am scared that once I hit the tattoo weight I won’t have anything to strive for. I suppose it could be that I am scared that I would have the tendency to slack off and undo all the years of hard work that I put in to become the butterfly I am meant to be…. However… I have learned so many things the past years about who I am and I know me better that than. Certainly I have days/weeks…okay sometimes months…where my head isn’t in the game. I am not perfect. I complain/ make excuses about going to the gym. I make poor food choices. I emotionally eat sometimes. But I like the new me WAY better than the old me. I like the things my new body can do. I like way my clothes fit. So I shouldn’t be worried about those things. I got this. The goal weight isn’t the end. It is just a marker of things to come. The butterfly part of the journey. No more caterpillar.

I know for a lot of people they may say “it’s only 3 lbs” it should not be that hard. I wish that were true. For me it has been. I know I don’t have a perfect diet. I know I could workout out harder/ smarter. Here is what else I know. I am an entire pants size smaller than I was one year ago. All my running and weight training has transformed my body…and the scale just doesn’t recognize it like I would like it to sometimes. I can run faster than I used to. I can do more at the gym than I used to. It is just hard sometimes to recognize these things. I say these things as a reminder to me…as well to encourage you to do the same. The scale isn’t the end all and be all form of measuring success.

So here are a few things I have decided. 1. I got this. 2. quitting is not an option. 3. going to stop making excuses and suck it up. 4. going to focus on enjoying the journey.

I will continue to blog about my progress. Sorry if I rambled a bit….it’s kinda what I do. Thanks for reading this. Make it a great week…and “make good choices”

Well isn’t that funky?!?’

Well isn’t that funky?!?’

So…. I have to be honest. Been struggling a bit lately with having my head in the game as far as eating right goes for the past 2ish weeks. Luckily I have a super awesome support group that recognizes and gives me a swift kick in the booty and helps me get out of my funk. Well, I decided today that my funk needed to end. Figured I won’t ever get to be where I wanna be if I don’t keep moving forward.

I am working my way toward a butterfly tattoo to symbolize my weight loss journey. It will be a butterfly and will happen WHEN I hit 81 lbs total loss. I feel like a butterfly symbolizes a transformation that can not be reversed. My middle name happens to mean Butterfly also. And yes… There is even more meaning behind it… But for today’s moment to make sense…that’s probably all you need to know.

So… Here is what happened today:
Was going out for an In-between jobs run when I happen to notice a butterfly… I was like “thanks for the reminder God, I got this” and yes I realize seeing a butterfly isn’t all that big of a deal (I am all about the little things in life) but the very next thing I looked at was a city bus that happen to have the number… Wait for it… Yup.. 81 on the back. Crazy?!? I think so!!! Guess that cemented the end of my current funk huh?!? Also made me realize that not only do I care about the little things in life… God cares too. Cares about me and my little things too! What a great moment. Made me smile and energized my entire 5.5 mile run.

Final thoughts:
Quitting is not an option.
Enjoy the journey.
I am not finished.
God cares.
Thank your support group.
On bad day/ week/ month or year doesn’t make you a failure. Everyday is a new chance to start over.