Dear Dave,

Dear Dave,

This is the blog I never wanted to write. You always encouraged me writing because you said it would help. I am really not sure anything will help this. I feel like I am living out my worse nightmare. I don’t want you to be gone. I don’t want to live without you.

When you came into my life I was convinced that you were the most annoying, frustrating person I’d met in a long time. You  were just so smart and made me feel so dumb. I don’t like feeling dumb. Then we started getting to know each other… and you became my sounding board. My confidant. Then you joined the gym so you could be spending time with me. I didn’t know what was happening at the time. Naïve I know. When we started spending more and more time together, people started asking if we could have a future together. NO. Of course not. We were totally wrong for each other. Polar opposites.

At that point I had been single for 33 years of my life. Well I was only 33 so that made sense. I had very high standards and wasn’t going to be with just anyone. And again we were totally wrong for each other in pretty much every way imaginable.

Then you tricked me into a day trip to Duluth. That was the trip that changed it all for me. I started to see things in a different light. I didn’t know that you had been plotting this since the beginning. You were very determined but knew how to not scare me away. I am not sure I will ever meet someone as knowledgeable as you. Needless to say I did not know that that day trip to Duluth the fall of 2014 would be the beginning of a very adventurous 5 plus years. From Duluth MN to Green Bay (where you loved me enough to run a 5k through my teams stadium) to Cancun, a couple of cruises, a couple trips to Texas, a trip to San Diego (where you graciously ran.. I mean walked… what did you call it Waddled? Wogged? 😊  over a bridge with me), countless road trips to various state parks. A few road trips to Iowa. And a couple of weeks in Virginia for work.

You helped me see who I was. You loved me even with all of my quirks. Actually my quirks amused you to no end. You would always tell me that. You pushed me at the gym because you knew I could give more. You pushed me at work… because you knew I could do more. The reason I even applied for a manager position was because you believed in me.

I think the thing I am most grateful for though was the way you treated my nieces and nephews. They looked up to you (and not just cuz you were a giant to them). You treated like them with respect. But also threw them around which they LOVED. You made them laugh and made them feel so much love. I couldn’t go anywhere without you or all I would here was “where’s Dave”. It sucks that they won’t have you anymore. You were the best. There I said it. And you would always argue that you try. Well you did a darn good Job babe.

I guess what I am trying to say is I miss you so much. There are no freakin’ words. My heart is in a thousand million pieces and will honestly never be the same. EVERYTHING changed March 7th 2020. My world flipped upside down. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on the ground. I am not saying my life is over. I promise you that. You wouldn’t want that and for the last 8 weeks I have been living everyday to try and make you proud. Putting one foot in front of the other. Fighting for joy. Trying to think about the BAJILION happy memories we had in our short 5ish years. Being grateful for the time we did have. Grateful for the fact that we changed our 2020 vacation from May to February! Nothing can take that away.

Nothing can take away the morning of March 7th. When I was trying to get out of bed and you grabbed me and hugged me tight (I loved that so much) you didn’t want to let me go. I stayed and snuggled a bit…and then as I was getting out of bed I told you that I loved you and your last words were “I love you more.” I have peace knowing that you were happy. We were happy. Not sure why it had to end so suddenly.

I do have to tell you something though. I love when you show me signs that you are still there for me. 20 days after you passed away I ran though a graveyard and saw this headstone.

I started BAWLING. I just knew it meant you still love me. And need me to keep going. And you will still be there loving me and I need you to keep showing me those things. After I ran though the graveyard I ran around a pond and saw this very majestic eagle that landed ON the ice and watched me run. Like he was protecting me. You were my protector. My rock. My big giant teddy bear. I spent most of that run in tears… because I was grateful for the signs.

I know you would hate that this happened to me. You hated it when you made me cry (which didn’t happen often). You would tell me over and over and over again that your goal was to make me happy. I was so lucky to have you. Seriously. We used to “argue” about who was luckier… me or you. “I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you in my life” was said more than once.

I miss arguing about who loves who more.

I miss you asking me if I need anything on your way home.

I miss your forehead kisses.

I miss calling you back into the bedroom after you tucked me in for just one more “story”

I miss our “fights” over whether or not I’d fall asleep with my glasses on.

I miss how you loved Tubby.

I miss seeing your little Beetle next to my car in the work parking lot.

I miss you bringing me a banana at lunch when I’d get stuck on a long call. Especially since you hated bananas.

I miss wandering Target with you. The Mall of America. Costco. Really you made wandering anywhere better!

I miss the way you looked at me with that twinkle in your eye.

I miss your “good morning beautiful” messages.

I miss the way you cared for me. The way you loved me. The way you wanted what was best for me.

I miss you grabbing my hand to hold in the middle of the night.

I miss you asking “how can I help”

I miss you every minute of every hour of every day.

I miss our Saturday morning breakfasts.

I miss all the little things that made you, you. And the little things that made Us, us.

I guess the bottom line is this. I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. Like physically HURTS. I’m learning that you can hold pain and joy at the same time. I am learning a ton about myself and life in general. I want you to know that I will NEVER stop loving you. I will never stop trying to make you proud and keep being the best version of myself. I will keep your memory alive with the nieces and nephews. I still have Colby on his “Dave diet” and he still isn’t allowed in the garage without supervision. I will keep writing you letters. Because you and I both know its good for me to process this way.

Love Always,

Your Princess

Ps. Love you

Live like you were dying….

A lot can happen in the blink of an eye. One moment everything seems to be okay and then the next moment your world changes. Takes a turn.  A phone call you don’t expect can change everything. It’s been two years since I received a phone call like that. 2 years seems like So long ago and yet just yesterday. Two years ago I lost someone I grew up with and loved like a big sister. and I miss her dearly.

Tonight I honored the anniversary of her passing with a 2 mile run.

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As I was running along the river the song “Live like you were dying” came on. It felt like a message straight from Beki. The beauty of  dusk reflecting off the river was a reminder to not take a moment for granted. Not take your next breath for granted or the ability to get out and go for a run. To bask in the joy of the little things. To let go of the frustrations of the day (today was a rather trying day with the nephews.) To find the silver lining in things. To look on the bright side and be grateful for the challenges because they make the good things that much sweeter. Without rain there are no rainbows.

Beki was so full of faith and love and generosity and joy that it was contagious. I want to make her proud. I don’t know if she knows how much I looked up to her. I don’t. But I wish I could tell her. I wish I could hear her sing one more time. I wish I could hug her… just one more time. I wish she could meet her amazing niece who is adorable as can be that she never met. I wish she could see her other nieces that are growing up to be amazing, adorable wonderful little people.

But what I really want is her memory to live on. Her legacy to reflect who she was. And I wish in the middle of stressful, frustrating situations I could remember to breathe. Slow down and choose joy. That really life is too short to not to enjoy it.

Miss you like crazy Beki.

beki memory