Failure isn’t falling down It’s remaining where you’ve fallen.

This week I fell. In more ways than one. Here is a picture of the results of my literal fall is week:

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Was running the track at the gym and I fell. Just a little rug burn is all. But it hurt my ego. Of course I was not alone up there and was more than a little embarrassed. Long story short.. I got up and kept moving forward. Ended up walking and talking with the girl who witnessed the fall for about a half hour. For the next few days I started thinking about falling. It’s a part of life. It happens. Things do not always turn out the way we think they should. Choices are made, circumstances happen and we fall. Bottom line. This week I fell pretty hard in a not so literal way as well. I chose to let the circumstances of the week and the stress, fear, anxiety, excitement and all sorts of other emotions that I went through dictate my food choices. I will not list all of the not so stellar choices that I made this week… Let’s just say… I fell. I let myself down. I know better. I am NOT looking forward to weighing in this week. At one point this week I was mentally in a place where I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about making healthy choices, I didn’t care about whether or not I worked out. I just didn’t care. Then I got in a conversation with someone about running. Ended with a comment from her about me being an inspiration and her telling me that she weighs what I used to weigh at my heaviest. Talk about a wake up moment. Her telling me that was more of an inspiration than I probably was to her. I have come to far and worked to hard to not get back up.

As some of you know I have had a plan to get a butterfly tattoo when I hit my ultimate weight goal…. Well I hit that and wrote a blog about that… But have since.. Uh.. Well…. fell đŸ˜‰ so.. I have a little ways to go to get back there. However I was needed some sort of reminder that I got this… So I got a tattoo yesterday.

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A reminder to believe in myself.
To believe in the process.
To believe in God and his plan.
To believe that everything happens for a reason.
To believe that it all works out in the end.
To believe in love.
To believe in the good in people.

This is just a crazy period in my life and I need this reminder as an anchor.

One more thing that hit me about this whole falling thing this week actually is right in line with the weight watchers topic this week “who’s got your back”. Got me thinking… Who is there to help me up when I fall? The answer? A boat load of people! I am so lucky and wanna give a shout out to my peeps! Couldn’t get back up without ya! Bottom line here: we all fall down. In weight loss. And in life.

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Don’t let it be the end of the journey. And because I am all about the butterflies… A butterfly can’t go back to being a caterpillar. Quitting (staying down) is not an option. Let’s stand back up and keep moving forward. I didn’t fail… I just fell.

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Is this just a dream?!!?

Gonna start this thing off with the truth. This could get lengthy. Something happened today that I thought might never happen….. at a time I was least expecting it. I wrote two weeks ago about sabotaging myself and how I seem to fall short of my dreams by my own undoing. Well…. Something musta hit home… Here is how the story unfolds.

6:30am Alarm goes off. Tonya thinks “oh crap Tuesday morning weigh in” and then quickly replays the last week of food choices.
6:45ish. Getting ready to shower… Hop on the scale it’s shows I nearly hit my ULTIMATE weight goal. I do not believe it!
30 seconds later… I took off my shirt… Stepped back on the scale… And bam! There it is! But wait… Am I dreaming?!?! Rub the sleep from my eyes….Grab my phone and step on again… Got a picture. Not a dream! Goal weight was 140….

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I’m gonna be real honest… As much as I know in my head “the number doesn’t matter and I am just trying to be fit and healthy” this was a HUGE deal for me! Had people ask me at work hey the heck I was so happy. Apparently I don’t hide my emotions real well. But today I Did not care! I felt like I could explode with excitement!

What does this all mean!?!? Well… Now I have to figure out who is going to draw my tattoo, who is going to tattoo it and where am I gonna put it?!?!
Oh.. And in case you don’t know the origin behind this SOON coming tattoo… And because I just like to tell the story when I get a chance…. Here it is. A couple years ago I was trying to figure out a way to commemorate my weight loss journey. I couldn’t think of a better representation in the world than a butterfly. The transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly is dramatic. I feel like I am longer the chubby girl who’s weight held her back from trying to do things. And even further a butterfly simply can not return to the state of a caterpillar… As the tattoo will serve as a reminder that I too can not return to the unhealthy being I once was. Also… My middle name means butterfly. So that works too.
And there is a verse in the bible …… 2 Corinthians 5:17 that says : Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! That symbolizes new life as well. I am Also a tidge obsessed with the color orange… So it shall be monarch-ish as well. Another super spiffy thing is that I can now say I have officially lost 81 lbs!!! And I was born in 1981! Check that out! I want it to not only remind me but to use as a tool to inspire others.

So there you have it! This day is best day ever material in TonyaLand!

Was talking to my mom about it and she referenced the Sabotage blog. Saying that apparently I had to let a few things go (maybe I didn’t even realize I was hanging onto) to be able to breakthrough… Well there has been a breakthrough people! And I could not be happier! This, however is not the end. Time to find new challenges and make new goals. Enjoy the journey of the butterfly… Never to be a caterpillar again! Until next time. Make good choices… And remember: you got this!

Well isn’t that funky?!?’

Well isn’t that funky?!?’

So…. I have to be honest. Been struggling a bit lately with having my head in the game as far as eating right goes for the past 2ish weeks. Luckily I have a super awesome support group that recognizes and gives me a swift kick in the booty and helps me get out of my funk. Well, I decided today that my funk needed to end. Figured I won’t ever get to be where I wanna be if I don’t keep moving forward.

I am working my way toward a butterfly tattoo to symbolize my weight loss journey. It will be a butterfly and will happen WHEN I hit 81 lbs total loss. I feel like a butterfly symbolizes a transformation that can not be reversed. My middle name happens to mean Butterfly also. And yes… There is even more meaning behind it… But for today’s moment to make sense…that’s probably all you need to know.

So… Here is what happened today:
Was going out for an In-between jobs run when I happen to notice a butterfly… I was like “thanks for the reminder God, I got this” and yes I realize seeing a butterfly isn’t all that big of a deal (I am all about the little things in life) but the very next thing I looked at was a city bus that happen to have the number… Wait for it… Yup.. 81 on the back. Crazy?!? I think so!!! Guess that cemented the end of my current funk huh?!? Also made me realize that not only do I care about the little things in life… God cares too. Cares about me and my little things too! What a great moment. Made me smile and energized my entire 5.5 mile run.

Final thoughts:
Quitting is not an option.
Enjoy the journey.
I am not finished.
God cares.
Thank your support group.
On bad day/ week/ month or year doesn’t make you a failure. Everyday is a new chance to start over.

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Goals for 2014

Was looking through some notes I have written on Facebook and I found this gem from Feb 9th of this year. I think it’s real important to look back once in awhile and remember why you are doing the things you do. So… as my first post on my blog I will repost my Goals for this year. I haven’t been real diligent about some of it…but just as a caterpillar in the transformation process… it is a PROCESS. I hope we can take this journey of life together and become the people we are meant to be.

FEB 9th 2014

This is going to be the year people! I have made that declaration. The year that I transform myself completely. My plan is to be a totally different person (inside and out) by the end of 2014. I don’t completely know what that looks like yet, but I know that God has plans for me…and I am excited. Specifically I know that it is my goal to hit my ultimate weight loss goal which will result in my butterfly tattoo but I also know that it goes deeper than weight loss. I am working on being the person I know that I want to be. Someone who is kind, and generous and fun to be around (trust me, I am not always fun to be around). I want to be someone who is responsible and organized and nice. I want to spread joy and bring happiness to others. I want to be kinder to people (even kinder to me… and that is a struggle). I don’t know what this all looks like yet, or how to get there…but trust me, things are going to change. This is just a public service announcement that the butterfly-ification is in progress. these things being said… it will take time, I will screw up (I am a human) I will need grace and love to get through… but I got this. and where I am weak… God can be strong. I look forward to all that 2014 has in store for me. and I can’t wait to keep you all posted…

To be continued đŸ˜‰