Earth Day

So. My first 5k ever was 5 years ago. My sister Jen made me sign up. I thought she was crazy. Me? Run?!?  a 5k?!?! hahaha. Well. I did it. Was the farthest I had ever run. And vowed to never do it again. Well I did. The next month. Apparently I caught the bug!! Yesterday was the anniversary of my first 5k. Something super cool happened at yesterday’s run. But before I tell you about that I need to tell you about how apparently competitive I am. I didn’t do as well as I thought I should. I finished like 2 minutes slower than I wanted too. I had to stop several times because I was struggling with the whole being able to breathe thing. I’m not going to make excuses about why I didn’t do “well” so I’m not going to. But immediately I started sorta started saying ” I coulda done better.” 

And then I thought back over the last 3.1 miles. The image of this young girl (she was probably 10 or 12ish) flashed into my mind. She and I were running at a very similar pace. She was all by herself and you could tell she was obviously pushing herself. I don’t know her story… All I know is I was watching her and she kept me going (unbeknownst to her). When she hit a wall and started walking I ran passed her and tapped her shoulder. Smiled. And told her she was doing awesome and to keep going. I could see the spring return to her step and she smiled and started running again. Funny thing in… When I was having a “my lungs hate this wind and this running thing” moment… She caught up to me and did the same thing. Told me we got this and to keep pushing forward. This continued through the race. Sadly I don’t know how she finished because I ended up finding some motivation and finishing strong. I really wanted to find her though. Was so cool to have that connection. Run I g is so much more than running. It’s freeing. It’s empowering. It builds self confidence. It reduces stress.  The list goes on and on. 

The other inspirational story was the 89 year old lady who walked the 5k. Yes. You read that right. 89!! I took this screen shot of the local paper’s website.  

 I think it took her an hour and 14 minutes. She is freaking 89! Running passed her was the coolest thing! Too see her living out her dreams and still rocking a 5k… gave me hope. I want to be that cool at 89! I don’t think there was a person there who wasn’t inspired!

  Back to me for just a second. I did a little side by side comparison of my first Earth day to yesterday.  

 The difference in these two photos is more than just physical. It goes a little deeper. The girl on the left had very little self confidence. She didn’t believe in herself. She would have NEVER envisioned her weekends/ vacations revolving around 5k’s and 10ks. All I have to say is regardless of yesterday’s Finish time… I am freaking proud of the girl on the right because you know what.  I fought to become her! Actually I take that back. I continue to fight to be the girl on the right. Every. Single. Day. Is it hard? Yup! It’s it worth i?!? You better believe it! Am I exactly where I wanna be? Nope. But I’m continuing the fight. I won’t quit. I wanna be like Irene. Kicking butt at 89! For now… I’m just gonna keep doing my best and keep fighting the good fight. 

Who inspires you? 

And what did you to today to make yourself proud?!?

 Keep fighting to be the you that YOU want to be. 

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Who is that girl?!? 

This whole blog has been brewing in my head for quite some time. And I’m not really sure I can make it make sense… But I’m sure gonna try. It all started when I started seeing people post photos of kids going back to school pics of their  kids. Along with senior photos. I decided to look back at mine. It generated a lot of thoughts. Here is one of those photos: 

That was 1999.. And I was probably about 70ish lbs heavier then, than I am now. Here is the deal. I am gonna be real honest. I have been struggling lately. Not so much taking my healthy living journey seriously. Tired of constantly making good choices. Feeling a little…maybe a lot.. Stressed out. So I take it out on food. Why? Cuz that’s what I know. That’s what my fall back has always been. Eating right is NOT always fun. Working out flat out sucks sometimes. Quitting is really…really an appealing options. Eat what I want and be lazy.. Sign me up. But wait just a second. Let’s think about how unhappy, unhealthy chubby Tonya was. How much it sucked to carry around that much extra weight. How I could not see my feet beyond my belly when I stood up. How self conscious I was. How I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do. How I didn’t even try because of my size. How quiet and shy (some of you don’t believe that… But it’s true). Sometimes I don’t even recognize that girl… But sometimes she is so close to being back it’s a little scary. Do I want to go back? Who do I want to be?!? 

So these were the thoughts that were going on in my head when I get a text from my brother. Said he showed my 5 year old niece this photo:

  Her response was: Auntie Tonya (I am the one in the grey) looks different. Which lead me down a whole new train of thought. I have 4 nephews and a niece. Ranging in age from 3-6 years old. They currently don’t know “Chubby Tonya”. They know auntie Tonya who loves to chase them and play on the playground with them and race them (Carter says I am the fastest). They know an Auntie that tries to make good choices and tries to teach them about balance. They know an auntie who runs for fitness and for fun. An auntie who has run a lot of 5ks (I should count!). An auntie who is learning to be happy with how far she has come. They know a much more confident person than I was in high school. I think I want to be the Auntie they know. I don’t think they need to know Chubby Tonya. I am not ashamed of who I was…and I am not yet who I want to be. And I may have even gone backwards a time or twenty… But I didn’t give up. I WON’T give up. I can’t give up. That is the lesson I want them to get from my journey. Not giving up. And being healthy is worth it. That is the Auntie I want to be. Yes, I struggle… And I expect that to continue. But I will keep fighting. For them and for me. I know what to do. I have the support system to make it happen… But it’s ultimately up to ME to make this happen. And you know what?!? I got this. 

Be kind

So. I had to have a little talk with myself again. I basically had a wake up moment and I needed to tell myself to shut up. They say you are your own worst critic and I believe that. I must admit I am way hard on myself. For not being where I think I should be. For my thighs that are not as small as I want them to be. For my muffin top that is too squishy (more accurately a cupcake top in my case). I beat myself up for not working out as hard as I could. I sometimes freak out about making good food choices… And get disappointed in myself when I choose unwise choices. Are any of those things helpful?!?! Nope! Not at all! How would it make me feel to lift myself up instead? To be happy with how far I’ve come?! To be proud of how freaking strong I’ve become? You know there was one point in life, oh about 77 lbs or so ago that I would haven’t given just about anything to look/ feel/ be able to do what this body can do. Speaking of which.  Check this out: 

  
  
Both of those are me. I really am not the same girl as the top photo. Lacking self confidence. Even super shy (which I know those of you that know me now don’t believe)! I was not comfortable in my own skin really. So many things are different!

Thinking maybe, just maybe I should be a little nicer to…me. What do you say? Will you join me? Make it a daily goal to just be a little better than the person we were yesterday… And if (and by if I mean when.. Let’s be real) we mess up… We be kind to our selfs. K?!? Let’s do this! 

A picture is worth a thousand words…

I am writing this blog for a couple of reasons… First of all to remind myself how far I have come…. And as a reminder of how I can’t go back. Also, I need to be able to look back on this moment and remember how I felt. Sometimes the feeling gets lost.

First let me be real transparent here… I hardly ever feel real good in my own skin. I think a lot of people struggle with this. I know I am not alone. I tend to struggle to see the good and emphasize the flaws. Imagine that… I’m human ūüėČ lol.

Well here is what happened…. At this years holiday the theme was red carpet. My usual dress code of jeans and hoodies probably wasn’t going to fly very well. Once a year I do make an exception and wear a dress. I usual do so with some resistance and don’t wear it with much confidence. This year however, I found a dress that I really felt good in. And felt I looked good in. And I think that showed in the dress. I was still awkward when I walked because tennis shoes and dress shoes… Well, just aren’t the same. For the record I will choose tennis shoes any day! Dislike dress shoes A LOT! Okay, back to the photo… What I decided to do was to take the dress photo and compare it to a picture that was taken the year I started my weight loss journey. Remembering back to how it felt to be 81ish lbs heavier. How people looked at me and made comments and comparing that to now. I am without a doubt in the best shape of my life and I feel really good about it. Yes, I still have goals to hit… And am not exactly where I wanna be. However…. I feel healthy and strong and my head is in the game (it isn’t always). I have said it before and I will say it again… It’s a lifestyle. It’s a journey. It is NOT easy..lol but totally worth it…and does NOT happen overnight. Oh, and if I can do it.. So can YOU!

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A note to my chubby self

With the recent milestone accomplishment earlier this week it has got me thinking. I conjured up a few things i would like my 221 pound self to know.
So… Here it is.

Dear Chubby Tonya,
You are about to embark on a fabulous journey. Enjoy it. It will not be easy! You will experience much difficulty… But it will be worth it. You will think about quitting a time or two or millions… But DON’T. You are worth the work it will take to get where you are going. I know you won’t believe this but you are going to do things you currently can not fathom. Don’t be scared to try them, or you will miss out! Your worth is not in what size pants you are. Currently you shop in the mens department because the 17/18 women’s pants just don’t quiet fit right. Someday you will be in a size 3/4 (and you will have to wear a belt), and be able to buy sweatshirts in the youth department..you don’t believe me. It’s true. But pants size really doesn’t matter. It is not about be skinny but this is about being healthy and finding the you that you are meant to be. You will inspire people along the way! You will come out of your quiet shy shell and won’t be able to shut up. You will literally be a whole new person in more ways than one. This will take a LOT longer than you think it should… But you know what?!?! Time is gonna pass anyways… Do something with it. You will eventually lose 81 lbs. It’s not going to happen overnight, don’t expect it to. You didn’t wake up one day chubby. Keep moving forward. You will become a runner. I will pause while you laugh…. But it’s true. And you will go crazy when you can’t run. And when You hit that ultimate goal. . .make a new one. You can not keep peanut butter in the house, don’t lie to yourself and think you can handle it. You can’t. This is a journey, a lifestyle…. Enjoy it! Make good choices. Set small goals and celebrate the when you reach them. Believe in yourself and do put be afraid to ask for help…. You need other people around you. You want to seclude yourself….but that doesn’t work. Embrace the journey to a new you.

Sincerely
Your Future Self.

 

PS. YOU GOT THIS.

Shout out to my friend Celeste who send me this photo she found online. Fits my journey perfectly. LOVE IT!

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Is this just a dream?!!?

Gonna start this thing off with the truth. This could get lengthy. Something happened today that I thought might never happen….. at a time I was least expecting it. I wrote two weeks ago about sabotaging myself and how I seem to fall short of my dreams by my own undoing. Well…. Something musta hit home… Here is how the story unfolds.

6:30am Alarm goes off. Tonya thinks “oh crap Tuesday morning weigh in” and then quickly replays the last week of food choices.
6:45ish. Getting ready to shower… Hop on the scale it’s shows I nearly hit my ULTIMATE weight goal. I do not believe it!
30 seconds later… I took off my shirt… Stepped back on the scale… And bam! There it is! But wait… Am I dreaming?!?! Rub the sleep from my eyes….Grab my phone and step on again… Got a picture. Not a dream! Goal weight was 140….

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I’m gonna be real honest… As much as I know in my head “the number doesn’t matter and I am just trying to be fit and healthy” this was a HUGE deal for me! Had people ask me at work hey the heck I was so happy. Apparently I don’t hide my emotions real well. But today I Did not care! I felt like I could explode with excitement!

What does this all mean!?!? Well… Now I have to figure out who is going to draw my tattoo, who is going to tattoo it and where am I gonna put it?!?!
Oh.. And in case you don’t know the origin behind this SOON coming tattoo… And because I just like to tell the story when I get a chance…. Here it is. A couple years ago I was trying to figure out a way to commemorate my weight loss journey. I couldn’t think of a better representation in the world than a butterfly. The transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly is dramatic. I feel like I am longer the chubby girl who’s weight held her back from trying to do things. And even further a butterfly simply can not return to the state of a caterpillar… As the tattoo will serve as a reminder that I too can not return to the unhealthy being I once was. Also… My middle name means butterfly. So that works too.
And there is a verse in the bible …… 2¬†Corinthians 5:17 that says : Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! That symbolizes new life as well. I am Also a tidge obsessed with the color orange… So it shall be monarch-ish as well. Another super spiffy thing is that I can now say I have officially lost 81 lbs!!! And I was born in 1981! Check that out! I want it to not only remind me but to use as a tool to inspire others.

So there you have it! This day is best day ever material in TonyaLand!

Was talking to my mom about it and she referenced the Sabotage blog. Saying that apparently I had to let a few things go (maybe I didn’t even realize I was hanging onto) to be able to breakthrough… Well there has been a breakthrough people! And I could not be happier! This, however is not the end. Time to find new challenges and make new goals. Enjoy the journey of the butterfly… Never to be a caterpillar again! Until next time. Make good choices… And remember: you got this!

Sabatage? Not this time!

Okay… so something has been bugging me for a long time. It’s time to come clean and get this off my chest. Here is where my frustration begins. This time last year I was 3 lbs. away from my tattoo weight. How do I know this? Well I remember being at¬†a Halloween party and to avoid indulging on too much temptation I literally wrote the number 3 on my wrist to make me stop and ask myself “is it worth it” before I made a poor food choice. Of course it didn’t stop me from completely…but I think it helped. Anyways. Fast forward to today. I am… you guessed it 3 lbs. away from my tattoo weight. Frustrated? YUP… just a little.

Here is what tends to happen to me when I come to points in my journey like this. I quit. I get frustrated. I figure why bother? I tend to fall into a trap where I sabotage myself and start falling back into old habits and stop caring. WHY?!?! This is what I have been pondering/ obsessing about recently. I recently recalled an experience at work when my supervisor told me that I was scared of success… I thought that was the craziest thing I ever heard. He said I just do enough to get by…but don’t challenge myself above and beyond. I never thought about that. Wondering if¬†it’s the same with this weight loss journey I am on. I don’t know why I would be scared to succeed at something I have worked so hard to get to…. and something I want soooo bad. I guess it is possible that I am scared that once I hit the tattoo weight I won’t have anything to strive for. I suppose it could be that I am scared that I would have the tendency to slack off and undo all the years of hard work that I put in to become the butterfly I am meant to be…. However… I have learned so many things the past years about who I am and I know me better that than.¬†Certainly I have days/weeks…okay sometimes months…where my head isn’t in the game. I am not perfect. I complain/ make excuses about going to the gym. I make¬†poor food choices. I emotionally eat sometimes.¬†But I like the new me WAY better than the old me. I like the things my new body can do. I like way my clothes fit. So I shouldn’t be worried about those things. I got this. The goal weight isn’t the end. It is just a marker of things to come. The butterfly part of the journey. No more caterpillar.

I know for a lot of people they may say “it’s only 3 lbs” it should not be that hard. I wish that were true. For me it has been. I know I don’t have a perfect diet. I know I could workout out harder/ smarter. Here is what else I know. I am an entire pants size smaller than I was one year ago. All my running and weight training has transformed my body…and the scale just doesn’t recognize it like I would like¬†it to sometimes. I can run faster than I used to. I can do more at the gym than I used to. It is just hard sometimes to recognize these things. I say these things as a reminder to me…as well to encourage you to do the same. The scale isn’t the end all and be all form of measuring success.

So here are a few things I have decided. 1. I got this. 2. quitting is not an option. 3. going to stop making excuses and suck it up. 4. going to focus on enjoying the journey.

I will continue to blog about my progress. Sorry if I rambled a bit….it’s kinda what I do. Thanks for reading this. Make it a great week…and “make good choices”