This phrase has been rolling around in my head for months. It really hit home a couple of weeks ago when I had to tell myself to “Knock if off” a little bit. So I wanted to share.
The pivotal moment came when I was in California on a run. I was VERY excited to be running in a beautiful place and the weather was PERFECT! It was sunny and warm and my body was actually feeling like I could run without pain (HUGE progress).
So, why did I feel like I was having a panic attack and couldn’t breathe??!?! Let’s break it down.
I wasn’t running as fast as I used to be able to run.
I couldn’t keep up with the girl I was running with.
bottom line: I was comparing who I currently was to A. Who I used to be be and B. Her.
Neither of those are fair things to compare too. But HOLY CRAP was it hard to tell my brain that. The whole run was a struggle. I was on the brink of tears. I spend most of the time walking and trying to convince myself that it was okay to be ME. Just keep swimming. I kept thinking about how she was just crushing it even though she had giant blisters on her feet. Why can’t I!?? What the heck is your problem Tonya!? Figure it out!
In related news a few days later this:
Popped up on my memories. Let me just tell you… I am NOT who I was 8 years ago. But do you think I spent some time thinking about how I let myself get to this point… and what I should have done different? YEP! Sure did! Do you think I did it in a helpful manner, probably not. That is why I am writing this to help me process it in a hopefully more helpful way. I used to be able to knock out a 5 mile run in 45 minutes. Now its a struggle to push myself to run even a 5k somedays. I am a different person now and you know what.. THATS OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So yeah, running is what got me thinking about it comparison thing and how pretty much everything about that run SUCKED because I let my brain choose how I viewed the run. I chose to focus on what wasn’t there vs. what was.
this was me the day I decided to just run. and Not worry about comparing me to anyone and just do the best I could THAT day. Man, did that feel good!
But then I started thinking about what other areas of my life I let comparison rob some of the Joy.
I am 40 years old. I thought my life would be entirely different by now. I figured I would have a husband and small humans. I am single and have two cats. I thought I would be a kindergarten teacher… or be doing something with small humans… and… I work in a call center. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely blessed and love my life. It is just easy to compare and wish things were different sometimes. This week I spent sometime at the beach. It seems like everywhere I looked there was a happy couple or an adorable little family. I had a little envy for them. And if I let myself feel…. it was a little lonely. I was with people that I love and adore and for that I am grateful. But at the end of the day I still came home to the cats.
Here is what else I know about comparisons. You can’t compare your life to someone elses, for a million different reasons. Here are a few.
You don’t know what you don’t know
You are seeing a filtered version of what they want you to see
You can’t compare your chapter 1 to their chapter 9.
People don’t post the bad moment’s on social media. Kids typically act better for other people than their own parents and you don’t see the screaming matches at bed time. You aren’t going to see the videos of the toddler tantrums. You aren’t seeing the struggles of a marriage. You don’t know what kind of fights there are to get homework done and how much time is spent fighting about phone usage with the preteens. We don’t see how much bribing is done to get kids off video games and do one simple chore. We don’t publish our battles with depression and anxiety. We don’t talk about how our mental health is suffering with everything going on. You literally don’t know what you don’t know. I often think about weight loss because its a personal topic to me. And you truly can NOT compare someone else’s weight loss journey to your own. You don’t know how their body is designed. Heck, maybe they are dealing with an eating disorder.
I think the bottom line is this. This life journey is yours. Embrace it. Include God and His will into your plan. Run your own race. Fight your own battles. But don’t let comparison steal your joy.
Alright ladies and Gentleman, I did it. I faced the music (somewhat) and got real about how far I have let myself go. I did NOT step on the scale… still terrified of that because in the past I have let that number define me and rule my mental health and I currently am not at the mental capacity too tackle that. However, my return to the office is quickly approaching and my current wardrobe does not meet office standards. So, I took to my closet and started trying on my jeans. YIKES. The phrase “put your big girl pants” on takes on more than one meaning here. It was a whole act of courage to take the step to try them on, and it was also facing the reality that I might have to actually buy bigger pants.
Truth of the matter is I do not like how my clothes fit, at all. I have made some adjustments to my habits/ routines and most importantly my environment (that one still needs work) to get me back to where I want to be. But I wanted to reflect on why I am at this point (not to make excuses, but to put in BETTER coping strategies for when I get derailed again. Lets be real, its going to happen.
So let’s talk about WHY this happened. The last two years have been SOOOOOOOO FREAKING hard for everyone…. for a million different reasons. Probably the hardest things we have collectively gone through. Personally I had a major unexpected death of a loved one. Had to put my cat down. Start of covid= having to work from home (as a social human, who needs other humans… this was SO hard!) SILVER LINING… I had a coworker come and work from my house, TOTAL GODSEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Told we should stay away from other humans like TOTALLY away in the beginning. (took my family/ friends away=isolation even more) my gym (which was my mental sanity closed totally CUZ of covid) remember when everything was shut down?!?!? Oh, and forget travel. NOT a thing. It was nearly impossible to go anywhere or do anything. It was NUTS felt trapped in my house. LUCKLY I had a treadmill given to me to use… that kept me SANE and moving in 2020. I had set a goal in 2020 to run 1000 miles. Through ALL of that I pulled it off!!! Don’t get me wrong, there was plenty of joy in 2020 also. I opened myself up to and fell in love with my best friend. I didn’t think I could be that happy, but I was. As weird as the world was we found joy in being together and navigating all the uncertainty that covid had us all navigating through. In all honestly I was a little guilty feeling that happy. But I came to realize that you could actually hold Greif and Joy at the same thing. It didn’t mean I loved Dave less because I was with someone else and I was happy (that was a process to work through as well.)
Okay… so why then Tonya don’t your pants fit!?!? Introducing 2021. I went in thinking that we would be getting back to the office soon right?!? That will help my mental health. Yeah, just kidding. Still at home. I decided to attempt something I said I would NEVER do, sign up for a half marathon. Running kept me sane in 2020… so, naturally we gotta keep that going. All was going hunky dory… UNTIL in the middle of a 11 mile run in JULY, the center of my left glute seized up making it nearly impossible to walk, let alone run. So, there goes that. OH, did I mention that was a month and a half after my relationship unexpectedly ended. I was heartbroken. Shattered. Gutted. Then a month and a half later the coworker that was my Godsend from the beginning of Covid went back to work on the office, and while it made sense for her to go back it felt like another separation. Further into isolation. It felt like grieving all over again. Oh, and I still could barely walk. Oh, and I didn’t mention that the half marathon was a destination race, so there was a trip in there that had to be canceled cuz I couldn’t run. Also on that note was another canceled vacation to California. Stupid Covid. And then there was…ummm a few more family members lost, close friends of the family passed away. Still the world is upside down. Job stress. Having to manage living on my own again. The list could go on. So, lets just say it was ROUGH.
So the habits and routines I had in place were SOLID in 2020. VERY active… and fueling my body to get me through my runs. I had my environment set up for success. I had a support group to keep me accountable and something to keep me going. Plus when you have someone coming to work from your house you try and dress halfway decent… and be presentable. When that shifted, it got real easy to grab the baggiest hoodie and the comfiest biggest pair of sweat pants. My comfy pants drawer increased in numbers drastically. Yoga pants became my “nice pants” I lived in my running pants… until I couldn’t run anymore, then it was sad to put on the running pants. Also, when you have someone else part of your life regularly you talk about what you are eating… it was built in accountability. I wanted to be PROUD of what I was eating, therefore, I tried to make better choices. Yeah, Not so much after that. It wasn’t just one thing… it was a million little things and it happened gradually. All of a sudden, I couldn’t remember the last time I put a pair of jeans on. The shirts that were more fitted, just casually got moved towards the back of the closet. Even my PJS started shifting towards oversized t-shirts. ALL of this was subconscious.
So I went to tackle the jeans. I decided a few things BEFORE I started. 1) I decided to not give myself a hard time if they didn’t fit, beating myself was going to do me ZERO good. 2) if they didn’t fit… they had to go. 3) if they did fit and I didn’t love them, they could be donated too. I realized a few things. First of all there was no humanly reason that I had 15 pairs of jeans. Second of all, to my very pleasant surprise… a few of them FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ended up donating 11 of them. And a renewed drive to make better choices. (NOT because I am mad at myself for letting old habits back in). But because, and this is important, because I feel better when I am healthy. I can run better when I am healthy. I am a better role model to the nieces and nephews. I am just a better version of me when I am feeling good in my body.
You know what does not matter? the number on the scale OR the size of my pants. and THAT right there is growth, because I did NOT always feel that way. ALSO. I refused to live off kale and spinach and deny myself cupcakes and ice cream. BECAUSE if I have learned anything these last two years is that nothing is promised and life is way to stinkin’ short to NOT treat yourself!!!! What I need to remember is a treat is occasional and Food is fuel. My cat Miles thinks he needs a treat EVERYTIME I go in the kitchen. I find myself saying “dude, you don’t need a treat every time I am in here.” The other day it stopped me in my tracks. What if I lived by that!?!? “Hey Ton, you don’t NEED a treat every time you are in the kitchen.” Or a reminder that “hey, you are eating cuz you’re emotional right now” “hey, put that Oreo down cuz you are just bored” etc.
ALLLLLL of that to say this. This question has been rolling around in my brain for months and I think it fits here.
What are you grateful for that you NEVER thought you would be grateful for!??!
I’d have to say I have SOOOO much to be grateful for that I never thought I would be grateful for in the 22 months. I’m grateful for the lesson’s I learned through losing a loved one. How strong I really am. How lucky I am to have the support squad I have (that I knew and have been grateful for, but it was just reaffirmed). I never thought I would be grateful for working from home, but it has had some MAJOR perks (including all day snuggles with my kittens) and being able to squeeze in a workout on a lunch break. OH and being able to cook healthy meals (if that is something I was interested in.
I can say now that I am thankful for the breakup. After I spent days and days in tears… I used it as an opportunity to grow closer to God. I dove into the Bible. Spent a ton of time in prayer. Spent some time putting work into who I am and who I want to be. Worked through some “why am I the way I am” stuff and is that who I want to be? Thought a lot about my childhood and the impact that might have. What makes me happy? I don’t know what God has for my future, but I am grateful for this opportunity to make space for God and listen to him. Don’t get me wrong, I wish it never ended… but I am grateful. I am also extremely grateful that we are still friends.
I am grateful for the forced alone time. I have read more books than I have read in my entire life and I am LOVING it! I have discovered I love hiking… EVEN by myself. I have taken myself to the movies alone. I have grown in the area of when plans change unexpectedly, and that’s HUGE because I did NOT always handle that well. Like, the meltdowns I would have are rather embarrassing. This only happened because I put time into thinking about WHY I responded that way and what impacts it has on me and others when I freak out like that.
Also, a little grateful for my running injury. Don’t get me wrong, it SUCKED. Totally resting my body was healing from head to toe. It made me SUPER grateful for being able to run. Taught me a lot about how I deal and forced me to get creative. I’m still learning that just losing myself in tiktok isn’t a healthy way to deal with stresses of life, not sure I wanna tackle that one yet. Baby steps people.
Truth be told I am a little grateful for the fact that my pants don’t fit, because its renewed motivation to create better habits and routines and once again prove to myself that I can do things I put my mind to. I’m gonna do it. Do it for me.
You can find Joy in Grief.
Don’t let your sadness keep you from your happiness.
Just try and do the next right thing.
The reason the rearview mirror on the car is smaller than the windshield is because we are supposed to focus less on looking behind on and more on moving forward. I do think its important to look back and learn from it. Just don’t stay there.
Here we go 2022. I’m not setting a “weight loss goal” or anything. I just plan on Investing in my health.
I am going to end with sharing pictures of my little blog writing helpers. If there are typos or something doesn’t make sense, I blame these two:
butterflyification 