So, I got in an argument with God today. So, this is me being obedient…and doing what He said to do. I didn’t wanna write this. I don’t even know what to say or how it will come out. But I was literally woken up in the middle of the night this week and thoughts around such subject keep coming up. I feel like the only way to work through it is to write about it. (I say I feel, but that’s literally what God was saying) write it down. Its therapy. It will help you. I said “no thank you, its too hard and there are feelings and stuff and I’d really rather just NOT… okay God”. His answer was some version of I understand why you feel that way… but I Love you my child and I know what is good for you. So, just do it. okay?!! After I said “no thank you” a few more times… and went for a therapy run (thinking that would solve it)… Here I am 😉
It’s coming up on the 4-year anniversary of the day that Daved passed away. That’s always been a little hard for me. 4 years seems like a lifetime, but also seems like just yesterday. I think about that day often. I think about how lucky I was to have known and loved him.
Grief is really what I have been thinking about. I was asked once “do you feel like you got to properly grieve the loss”. Ummm… no. What do you think? You were around in 2020. You know what March of 2020 looked like right?!? So… no. I was just trying to survive ma’am. Plus, what even is that. Properly grieving? How does one do that?!? What does that even mean?!? What does that even look like?!? I vividly remember thinking the night that he passed that all I can do is keep moving forward. I KNEW if I didn’t make a conscious decision to keep moving forward… I would be stuck. STUCK in life. STUCK in grief. STUCK far away from my goals and dreams. Little did I know over the next 4 years there would be a whole lot more to grieve and this was just the beginning.
2020. Dave passes. World shuts down. Cut off from friends/ family. Work from home. Gym shuts down (I had a goal to run 1000 miles in 2020)…. everything seems to be falling apart…. There was just so much going on. So much uncertainty in the world… so much unsettled. How is there time to process the loss… when everything else is happening. The media had us thinking that everyone was going to die like tomorrow. It was hard to NOT take that seriously when I had just lost someone very, very close to me. And NO his was not related to COVID. Lucky for me I had a solid squad around me. However, we weren’t supposed to physically see them… I knew how to reach out. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through that time without my family. My mom for starters was and IS my rock. My siblings… and my nieces and nephews… keep me going. I don’t know how I would have survived work from home without having one of my coworkers with me at my house. An absolute LIFE SAVER!!! Also, my friends. I have so many. I don’t think they know the impact they made during that time.
A couple of months later my beloved Fat Cat passes away. He was just the best cat. And now he was gone too. The house was so utterly quiet. And stuck here. It was like a prison. Nothing was open (stores/restaurants/gyms etc.) Nothing to do… nowhere to go. Anyway I’m not trying to be doomy and gloomy… this is literally how it was.
I was lucky enough to have a really close friend during all of this that also never left my side. He was a best friend. We went way back like 11-12 years. He would make me laugh and take my mind of things. Let me talk through things and just bring me absolute joy. He would check up on my goals and feed me ice cream and cookies (actually he knew better than that, he would specially bring me just the dough.) We would hike and walk and run together. Even the small moments of watching a movie with him and his kiddos brought so much joy to me in the midst of everything. It just felt right.
End of 2020–we did manage to hit that 1000 miles run goal!!!! heck yeah!!
2021- I decide to train for a half marathon. Cuz running helped me in my grief processing journey SOOOOOOOOOO much. A half seemed fitting. I had to keep myself moving… I had to keep my head on straight.
Mid year, what seemed like out of the blue, he broke up with me. I spent WAYYYYYYYYYYY to much time overanalyzing what the heck happened there. But what I can tell you is holy crap did I grieve that. Like uncontrollable sobbing for freakin’ days. Couldn’t talk about it. Couldn’t think about it. Couldn’t look at photos of anything related to him or the kids or any of it. For sure couldn’t listen to ANY song that reminded me of him. What woke me up in the middle of the night was this thought of why it hit me so hard. I think I was still grieving Dave clearly, and Then with a breakup I was grieving the loss of my best friend, and I had created a bond with the kiddos that just got torn to shreds. I spent a lot of time wondering what I did wrong. Why wasn’t I good enough. Why can’t we work this out. I tried dearly to hold and… and I think the harder I tried to hold on, the harder it was. To make matters worse I got hurt during an 11 mile run and that put a STOP to my training for a half marathon. and by STOP I mean I could barely walk for a few months. It wasn’t good.
You know what was steady through all of this though?!? God. (and no, I am not just saying that cuz He is the one that told me to write this). The week Dave Passed one of my pastors told me “God’s got this” and I don’t know how many times over the last 4 years I have told myself that. Reminded myself that it’s not me, but Christ that lives in me. He gives me strength and courage to make it through. I don’t know how I would have navigated Daves death, the breakup, the Colby loss, the injury and the multiple other losses of beloved family over the last 4 years without my faith. I know that God has a plan. I am confident that His plan is perfect (even when It doesn’t FEEL like it). I have used the last 4 years (I am not perfect about it) but to grow closer to God. I have been TRYING to spend daily time in the bible and know about who He is and how much he loves me. Even still, I have hard days. Not seeing the sun for months on end in the winter in Minnesota is a killer on my mental health. You know what though?!? I can run again!!!
Maybe let’s just end this by making a list of things we are grateful for.
- I already mentioned my squad but they deserve another mention!!
- my cats. They drive me crazy but they also got me through 2020 and beyond!
- the sun was shining in MN today!!! and it was warm enough to run outside.
- my gym!!
- my job.
- vacations.
- warm showers.
- my friends.
- my church
- Jesus!!