Grief…

So, I got in an argument with God today. So, this is me being obedient…and doing what He said to do. I didn’t wanna write this. I don’t even know what to say or how it will come out. But I was literally woken up in the middle of the night this week and thoughts around such subject keep coming up. I feel like the only way to work through it is to write about it. (I say I feel, but that’s literally what God was saying) write it down. Its therapy. It will help you. I said “no thank you, its too hard and there are feelings and stuff and I’d really rather just NOT… okay God”. His answer was some version of I understand why you feel that way… but I Love you my child and I know what is good for you. So, just do it. okay?!! After I said “no thank you” a few more times… and went for a therapy run (thinking that would solve it)… Here I am 😉

It’s coming up on the 4-year anniversary of the day that Daved passed away. That’s always been a little hard for me. 4 years seems like a lifetime, but also seems like just yesterday. I think about that day often. I think about how lucky I was to have known and loved him.

Grief is really what I have been thinking about. I was asked once “do you feel like you got to properly grieve the loss”. Ummm… no. What do you think? You were around in 2020. You know what March of 2020 looked like right?!? So… no. I was just trying to survive ma’am. Plus, what even is that. Properly grieving? How does one do that?!? What does that even mean?!? What does that even look like?!? I vividly remember thinking the night that he passed that all I can do is keep moving forward. I KNEW if I didn’t make a conscious decision to keep moving forward… I would be stuck. STUCK in life. STUCK in grief. STUCK far away from my goals and dreams. Little did I know over the next 4 years there would be a whole lot more to grieve and this was just the beginning.

2020. Dave passes. World shuts down. Cut off from friends/ family. Work from home. Gym shuts down (I had a goal to run 1000 miles in 2020)…. everything seems to be falling apart…. There was just so much going on. So much uncertainty in the world… so much unsettled. How is there time to process the loss… when everything else is happening. The media had us thinking that everyone was going to die like tomorrow. It was hard to NOT take that seriously when I had just lost someone very, very close to me. And NO his was not related to COVID. Lucky for me I had a solid squad around me. However, we weren’t supposed to physically see them… I knew how to reach out. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through that time without my family. My mom for starters was and IS my rock. My siblings… and my nieces and nephews… keep me going. I don’t know how I would have survived work from home without having one of my coworkers with me at my house. An absolute LIFE SAVER!!! Also, my friends. I have so many. I don’t think they know the impact they made during that time.

A couple of months later my beloved Fat Cat passes away. He was just the best cat. And now he was gone too. The house was so utterly quiet. And stuck here. It was like a prison. Nothing was open (stores/restaurants/gyms etc.) Nothing to do… nowhere to go. Anyway I’m not trying to be doomy and gloomy… this is literally how it was.

I was lucky enough to have a really close friend during all of this that also never left my side. He was a best friend. We went way back like 11-12 years. He would make me laugh and take my mind of things. Let me talk through things and just bring me absolute joy. He would check up on my goals and feed me ice cream and cookies (actually he knew better than that, he would specially bring me just the dough.) We would hike and walk and run together. Even the small moments of watching a movie with him and his kiddos brought so much joy to me in the midst of everything. It just felt right.

End of 2020–we did manage to hit that 1000 miles run goal!!!! heck yeah!!

2021- I decide to train for a half marathon. Cuz running helped me in my grief processing journey SOOOOOOOOOO much. A half seemed fitting. I had to keep myself moving… I had to keep my head on straight.

Mid year, what seemed like out of the blue, he broke up with me. I spent WAYYYYYYYYYYY to much time overanalyzing what the heck happened there. But what I can tell you is holy crap did I grieve that. Like uncontrollable sobbing for freakin’ days. Couldn’t talk about it. Couldn’t think about it. Couldn’t look at photos of anything related to him or the kids or any of it. For sure couldn’t listen to ANY song that reminded me of him. What woke me up in the middle of the night was this thought of why it hit me so hard. I think I was still grieving Dave clearly, and Then with a breakup I was grieving the loss of my best friend, and I had created a bond with the kiddos that just got torn to shreds. I spent a lot of time wondering what I did wrong. Why wasn’t I good enough. Why can’t we work this out. I tried dearly to hold and… and I think the harder I tried to hold on, the harder it was. To make matters worse I got hurt during an 11 mile run and that put a STOP to my training for a half marathon. and by STOP I mean I could barely walk for a few months. It wasn’t good.

You know what was steady through all of this though?!? God. (and no, I am not just saying that cuz He is the one that told me to write this). The week Dave Passed one of my pastors told me “God’s got this” and I don’t know how many times over the last 4 years I have told myself that. Reminded myself that it’s not me, but Christ that lives in me. He gives me strength and courage to make it through. I don’t know how I would have navigated Daves death, the breakup, the Colby loss, the injury and the multiple other losses of beloved family over the last 4 years without my faith. I know that God has a plan. I am confident that His plan is perfect (even when It doesn’t FEEL like it). I have used the last 4 years (I am not perfect about it) but to grow closer to God. I have been TRYING to spend daily time in the bible and know about who He is and how much he loves me. Even still, I have hard days. Not seeing the sun for months on end in the winter in Minnesota is a killer on my mental health. You know what though?!? I can run again!!!

Maybe let’s just end this by making a list of things we are grateful for.

• I already mentioned my squad but they deserve another mention!!
• my cats. They drive me crazy but they also got me through 2020 and beyond!
• the sun was shining in MN today!!! and it was warm enough to run outside.
• my gym!!
• my job.
• vacations.
• warm showers.
• my friends.
• my church
• Jesus!!

Transformation Challenge

Okay. So I did a thing. I signed up at my gym for a transformation challenge. I am posting this for accountability. Because I have been too far off track for too long. I need you people to know I am embarking on a journey. Soooo.. Yeah.

But I kinda started thinking about my weight loss journey so far. It started what feels like a bajillion years ago. I joined Weight watchers in 2004 I think for the first time. Weighing my heaviest at 220 lbs. I Went on over the course of like 15 years to lose and maintain like 80ish lbs or so. Sometimes gaining and losing it again. The past couple of years have taken a toll on this ole body. Old habits, old mindsets, bad routines have snuck in… leading to an extra 40 lbs. So that’s fun. Here is the cool part though. I have lost it before so I can do it again. Also was talking to a friend last night on her own journey and she said she was doing it “because she loved her body, not because she hates it.”

So… instead of beating myself up like in the past… I’m going to look at myself in the mirror and say, “hey girl, YOU GOT THIS” “You are stronger than you think you are”

The number on the scale doesn’t define you… its what you do next.

I do feel like I have written this very same blog before… but sometimes we need to tell ourselves things more than once. We Need to be our own cheerleaders and hype man.

My cats don’t really care what Is going on in my life… so I need to tell someone. Even if its just random strangers on the internet.

SO the journey continues. And we are NOT calling this a failure. its just a scenic route. I did tell someone recently that I am going to be a gym rat this year. And well with two gym memberships and a treadmill in my house, I have no reason not to be. I am not going to go crazy. Don’t worry… Im going to listen to my body… but you watch and see.. the transformation is underway!

to be continued:

Dear Dave,

{So I have been feeling like I need to blog more. But I am not really sure what to say or where to start… So i think I am going to do the only thing that makes sense which is write a letter to Dave. So… Here goes}

Dear Dave,

Guess what… I still miss you! I just wanted to take a moment to talk to you about a few things. I actually think you would be super proud of me. I have undertaken some of the house projects we had started on. and then I got overwhelmed and quit for awhile (I KNOW that doesn’t surprise you). However… we are back to taking steps to get most of it wrapped up. I am pretty confident that you would absolutely love it. We are taking some massive steps to complete some of it coming up. So stay tuned. I also should fill you in on some of the other things I have going on. I am on a journey of improving our mental health. oh, Yeah, I should tell you about that.

So…. remember how you told me that… ummm.. I may or may not be a touch ADHD. You know how you would tell me I was in denial… and then Constantly point out how my “quirks” were literal symptoms that my brain worked different. Guess who went and got an official diagnosis after YEARS of you telling her to? Me. yup. Guess you were right all along. (Again, I know you aren’t surprised). It took me a long time to even find the benefit of doing the testing. But after all the conversations we have had…. I figured it was time to figure out how my brain functions so I can actually work WITH my brain instead of fighting it. So its been fun trying to recognize patterns and try and trying to find ways to maximize my ADHD superpowers. Also was thinking about this today actually as I grabbed a hair tie from my car to bring into church with me…. because you ALWAYS had a hair tie in your car for me. PS. I didn’t even realize that I fidgeted like that until you pointed it out. That thing saved me on many a trip to Duluth! So anyway yeah.. i guess I have a neurodivergent brain. Oh, and guess what else I have… Anxiety and depression. Oh and probably a little PTSD (but that one I am blaming on you for dying on me). But we are working through stuff. This whole blog writing thing actually helps me deal with a lot of this. YOU always said it did… man, i should have listened to you more. You literally were the smarted guy I ever met. Tallest too… but Carter is catching up! Seriously Dave… kid is like over 6 feet, and he is 14. Man, I wish you could see them now. ALL of them. They are growing into amazing human beings. (probably a story for another blog). Anyway, back to you being proud of me. I think if you knew my goals and what I have done… you would be happy… I just wish you were here to share in the joy.

I had to join a new gym cuz you aren’t here to kick my butt at the gym. Remember when you would walk past and just make the treadmill go a little faster. Nobody cared about my fitness goals like you did. You would drag me to the gym kicking and screaming… I hated it then, but miss it now. In full transparency the last few years have been real hard to stay on a good fitness path. Between 2020… and then well 2021 was worse. and then things started tasting terrible except like SWEET things… so that didn’t help. And then I got injured and just kinda lost my way. I didn’t know who I was or what I was after. Trust me it showed up in my clothes. Recently I decided to take charge of that again. Cuz I KNOW me being physically in a good place has a DIRECT impact on my mental health. And we KNOW how hard winter is on this girl. I hate when I don’t see the sun for days and weeks on end and the air hurts my face. I don’t have you hear to whisk me away to Mexico… therefore, I joined a gym to kick my butt. I should send you the bill cuz its your fault I am there 😉 JK. but I think you would be proud that I am pushing myself and feeling good about it. Also not pushing too hard cuz I am trying to listen to my body. Also eating more protein even though it tastes gross. PS. I really should have had you teach me how to make omelets… cuz you made them the best. I took that for granted. I took a LOT of things for granted.

Oh, guess what else?!?!? This girl of yours has become a little book worm. Or a book dragon maybe (I guess that is what we call someone who buys a lot of books, YOU were for SURE a book dragon). Anyway… I have started setting myself a yearly reading goal and getting after it. This year trying to diversify a little more and not read as many books where they fall in love in chapter three. Some sort of drama happens that rips them apart… and then they are back in love by the time the book ends. Still cool though, right?!? I know its NOTHING compared to how much you read… but I know you would be supportive, nonetheless.

what else should I tell you?!?! Oh these two cats that you would love but never got to meet…. have put me through the ringer. Its like having freaking toddlers, but I love every (MOSTLY every) minute with them. However, I think miss Maizy has anxiety. Remember that thing we had for Colby, I bought one for her. Hoping it helps. PS she might just outweigh Fat cat, if you believe that. Speaking of him I will NEVER forget the bond you two had. Melted my whole heart. I miss you both so much.

I think that feels rambly enough for one day. I’m thinking this will help my mental health journey. Oh and maybe a trip to the beach.

oh. one more thing… my Packers were off to a rocky start this year so I was rooting for your team. They were doing really well in the beginning and then they just fell apart. My team barely made it into the playoffs but they did…you would be happy though cuz the Packers just totally crushed the cowboys… you would have LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!! I am sure you are concerned about football in afterlife 😉 man, I miss you. It was good to write to you. Super therapeutic… could you remind me to do it more often… that whole ADHD thing… I forget to do things that are good for me. Like drink water and ummm yeah basic human things sometimes. but you already knew that. Oh speaking of that… part of the reason I never used to read was it was hard for me to sit still. (THAT falls in DUH news category I know).. but anyway I figured out if I walk and read at the same time it actually SLOWS my brain down enough to focus on the reading. Thats what the therapist lady said. She said my brain processes WAY faster than a normal functioning human brain. She told me the number, but I don’t remember. Oh yeah, she also diagnosed me with a math learning disability. Wouldn’t have THAT been helpful in 3rd grade. Funny story though. she said to me something like “probably just don’t work with numbers” HAHAHA okay Lady, that IS my job. She also told me to get my eyes checked when I asked her about dyslexia. she thinks my eyes are out of alignment or something ( i stopped listening)

Okay, I should get one with my day. I am done sitting still for awhile.

Miss you always

Love you More.

Dear Dave,

Sooo. its Christmas time.. and well I am kinda struggling. Why am I telling you this you might ask?!?! Cuz its kinda your fault. I freakin Miss you okay. This will be my 3rd Christmas without you. Decorating the house wasn’t the same.. its not as much fun driving around looking at Christmas lights= not the same. Family functions (as fun as they are…) also not the same. If you were here we would have gone to see the Pentatonix Christmas show. We would have had a weekend in Duluth, done a little winter hiking and then hit up Bentleyville, and eaten at Uncle Loui’s of course. We would have stayed in comfy clothes all day on christmas day and watched Love Actually… and maybe played a little Mario Kart on the Wii, until it was time to meet your friends for Chinese food.

You always supported me. Even when I didn’t realize. Once you learned that I didn’t like getting gifts, You decided to give me money to donate to a charity instead. Even though you were not a church guy, You knew it was important to me… so you would join us for Christmas Eve service. Even though you thought we were crazy doing it, you would help with the crafts for the kids and even helped assemble gingerbread houses for the kids to decorate. You always would shop for the hoodies for the nieces and nephews and hold them all and put up with me while I changed my mind a thousand times.

I am forever grateful for the Christmases we had… but man I am still sad that we didn’t get more. It sucks. It really does. Don’t get me wrong, I am finding the joy. I am still feeling Blessed to be a blessing and trying to find more and more ways to let the light of Jesus shine through me. But truth be told it still is hard putting that “our first Christmas in this house” ornament on the tree. I still can’t bring myself to pull out your ornaments (they are safely tucked away in a box and maybe someday I can.) I do, however, Keep the tradition alive of getting the Nieces and Nephews Barnes and Noble gift cards in your honor and always will. They love it that “Dave buys them a book” every year.

It just really not the same without you. Life isn’t. I am still learning that its possible to hold grief and joy at the same time. I am clinging to the true meaning of Christmas, but I had to tell you that I miss you. I think about you often and I’m still a little ticked off that you had to go die on me. I love you all the way to the moon and back and maybe more. Also, I feel like I win the “I love you more” battle. However, I would lose that battle all day long if it meant one more day with you (and you know how competitive I am).

Oh Hey if you know where I put the Christmas Funko pops could you let me know, cuz well… you know how organized I am.. they are lost and it makes me real sad. We loved those little things, they brought so much Christmas Joy and they are just gone. I hope I didn’t donate them, but if I did, I hope they are bringing someone else joy. I did buy a Packers Santa Funko pop, maybe I should get an Eagles for you!) Ps. the Eagles are doing REALLY well this year… and my Packers, well… let’s not talk about that….

Okay, so this got really long and rambly. But I just needed you to know that I miss you so freakin’ much. And yes I will keep watching cheesy Halmark Christmas movies and not stop believing in the magic of Christmas, but it is just not the same without you.

Love you more,

Me.

2023 Grateful list

Its that time of year when people when we really start thinking about things we are grateful for. I am going to do the thing where I try and come up with 100 things I am grateful for. Here goes. In no particular order…. and of course there are things I missed because there are hundreds of thousands of things to be thankful for. Things I can’t imagine life without. Things that make me smile… you know. just awesome things.

1. Sunshine
2. Christmas lights
3. Jesus.
4. my heated seats.
5. photography
6. My Family (yes ALLLLLLLLLLLL of you!)
7. lotion
8. mental health
9. physical health
10. hair ties
11. the Bible
12. cozy blankets
13. the Ocean
14. random texts from friends
15. vacations
16. music
17. my treadmill
18. running shoes
19. my friends.
20. comfy pants
21. people who push me out of my comfort zone to be my best self
22. books
23. indoor plumbing
24. my kittens
25. my coworkers
26. my house.
27. love
28. memories
29. other peoples talents
30. creative people
31. Lego
32. Disney movies
33. working Downtown
34. ChapStick
35. trunk popcorn
36. this moment right here….
37. people who make me smile
38. Joy
39. peace that passes all understanding
40. auto correct
41. internet memes
42. Funko pops
43. Costco
44. state parks
45. inside jokes
46. Running.
47. sleep
48. a hot shower after a long day
49. someone who listens to you
50. Mac and cheese cups
51. the cleaning lady
52. water
53. Rain
54. fall colors
55. My church
56. Qtips
57. my neighborhood
58. Target
59. bubbles
60. the color orange
61. podcasts
62. audio books
63. hoodies
64. this blog
65. paint
66. windows
67. people who know how to do things I don’t
68. humility
69. generosity
70. goals
71. routines
72. failing.
73. motivational quotes
74. the shuffle feature on my playlists
75. remote car start
76. emotional support water bottles
77. foam rollers
78. electricity
79. tweezer
80. cruise ships
81. airplanes
82. backpacks
83. knowledge
84. work ethic
85. a growth mindset
86. schools
87. libraries
88. doctors
89. mittens
90. Quarry Park
91. answered prayers
92. relationships
93. sunrises
94. sunsets
95. naps
96. wonder
97. worship
98. hot tubs
99. my attached garage
100. snuggles with my cats.

honorable mentions. Things I am grateful for that I NEVER thought I would be…

• unanswered prayers
• a breakup
• a running injury.

Those things taught me a lot!! They all brought me closer to God and for THAT I am grateful. However in the moment it feels like the WORST possible situation possible. So yeah, I don’t know why I felt like i needed to include that in this list, but it’s something to think about. Even in the yuck there is something to be grateful for.

what the heck?!

I just have a lot on my mind right now and This is probably going to be long and rambly, but that’s cuz I am not in therapy yet and well this is where I am going to get my thoughts out. So… proceed with caution.

First of all it’s been a long time since I fired up the ol’ laptop and sat down and wrote. I know it helps me process things so why I don’t do it more often, I don’t know. Actually, Yes i do. Because doing so leads to feelings and creating action plans and its easier for me to avoid my feelings and not speak out my goals because when I do that I am at risk of failing right?!? Hmmm probably true.

Speaking of feelings…. I have been thinking a lot about anger recently. Seems odd since I TRY to be a Choose Joy type of a human. I read a book called The body Keeps the score and it talks about how your body holds on to memories and feelings in parts of your body. Trauma if you will. and It can show up as pain. I have been told the part of my body that is causing me pain is holding Anger. I was confused at first. Because I do not feel angry. I feel like I have it pretty good. God is good. My family is awesome and supportive. I have a good job and an excellent support system. I just really don’t have much to be “angry” about. Then the more we started talking about it the more I started thinking about it. And anger sometimes can come from hurt.

I think the person I am most angry with is myself. StoryTime: I recently went to the Dr. and had to step on the scale. I hate that thing. I really do. I have been avoiding it like the plague and let’s just say my wardrobe noticed it. The last 3.5 years have just been the hardest… in a LOT of ways. I have a million “reasons” why it happened… but I didn’t want to face the number. I have been trying to refocus my eating habits and workout routines… but still not seeing much movement. Anyway when I went to step on the scale I told the lady I did NOT want to see the number, so I stood backwards on the scale. Whew. avoided that heartache. WRONG. I accidentally caught a glimpse of the dreaded number on the paperwork. GRRRRRRRRRRRR… I was BIG mad at myself for letting it get to this point. I know it’s just a number, but the scale and my pants really don’t lie. As much as I joke around and say “grief calories don’t count” …. I guess they do. So I started looking back to see what the heck got me to this point. I can point to Grief of the loss of a loved one. I can see where my injury and inability to run set me back…. I can talk about how during that injury and inability to run I got hit with an unexpected breakup that threw me in a HUGE downward spiral. I can talk about covid broke my taste buds and the only thing that really tastes decent is sweet things and with a girl with a sweet tooth… guess what I eat?!?!? I can talk about how I was scared to run again after getting hurt, so I didn’t push myself.

When I lost 80 pounds I was never gonna go back. I was a new version of me. I was so stinking proud of that girl. I think I am mad at myself because I feel like I let myself down. I promised her I would keep being the best version of me. Healthy. I hate feeling like this. Like I failed. Like I let myself down. It just took sooooo much work for me to get there and now we get to do it ALL over again…. (sigh)

The good news? I know what to do. If 2020 taught me anything it was that I am freakin’ resilient. I Feel like maybe just maybe as much as seeing that 40 extra pounds show up on the scale hurt my heart real bad… it might just be the push I need to get moving again. I don’t know if I need to train for a half marathon… or set myself a running goal. Or maybe just maybe I need to start tracking my food again and stop brining candy into the office. Maybe I need to force foods in my body that taste so nasty its hard to eat… but know that it will make me feel better.

All I know is this. I am grateful I can run again! I know what to do!!! Break up with Little Debbie and get in a committed relationship with the treadmill. Don’t worry… I won’t go crazy… I believe in balance and having a little fun in life. But I had to get it it out there. I just think I am real mad at myself.

I feel like I just need to give myself some grace. Some time to heal. Some encouragement to keep going… This is just a teeny tiny bump in the road and I KNOW I can do Hard things. I do!!! I have done them before. ALL I get to do at this moment is choose how I respond. Shall I curl up in a ball and keep being Big mad at myself? Nah, That isn’t me. Shall we hit the treadmill and Knock out a 5k?!? probably.. cuz THAT is what I do. THAT is who I am. I have been reminded recently that the # on the scale is just a dumb number. I get that…. I do… but it also holds some weight for me. There is a reason I stopped weighing myself. I became obsessed with it. For me, this is about who do I want to be? How do I want to come out of the other side of this?!?!? Stronger. Heathier (mentally and physically) and I just want my clothes to fit dang it.

Okay, Rant over. And yes… I do feel better after getting that off my chest. And If you need me… imma probably be on the treadmill… getting my life back!

Oh, one more thing.. If you are currently struggling with something similar… know this: you are not alone… and keep moving forward. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don’t quit. And you just never know who you are inspiring… (you might even inspire yourself). oh…and you freakin’ got this!!

TikTok Time out.

Hmmm. So many thoughts and I’m not sure where to start. I started this particular sentence 3 times already. Here is the deal… I, Tonya Schwartz, was in a toxic relationship with TikTok. Here is a little story.

So, I’m not catholic, and I have NEVER done the Lent thing. However, I am a Christian and have a relationship with Jesus. So around… .ummmm Ash Wednesday to be exact, I heard God telling me “Hey, I want you to give up TikTok for 40 days”. I was like “nah, God, I’m good, Thanks for asking.” I then felt him again say “yup… Imma need you to just go ahead and just NOT TikTok for 40 days”. (Yes, That’s how God talks to me… or at least it’s my story I can write it that way).

Truth be told I did NOT listen the day I heard him. Or even the next day. BUUUUUUUUUUUT that Thursday I did. I had to physically move the app, so I didn’t habitually open it.

Why is this is big deal Tonya?!?

Well, here is what you need to know. I had my phone in my hand scrolling though TikTok while I was doing…well basically ANYTHING. Upon waking up. While I was getting ready for work. As I was walking into the building at work.All my break times. On the treadmill…. sitting on the couch instead of working out. ALL. THE, TIME! TOXIC. SO much so that I had anxiety thinking about NOT being on it. I had to physically write a list of things I could do instead of being on the app. I had to mentally prepare myself for unstructured downtime when I would typically mindlessly scroll. I had to prep all the people around me as a support squad for when I was feeling weak. But I am writing this to remind future me of the things that I learned.

It is okay to NOT having some sort of noise. Healthy even.

being alone with your thoughts isn’t all that bad.

I can live without it. which means I can learn to do it in moderation.

In moments of weakness God is there. I would turn on some worship music or binge a sermon series from a Pastor that ironically, I had found on TikTok. I soaked up ALLLLLL sorts of God’s goodness that I was NOT getting before.

I spent HOURS building some amazing Lego sets.

TikTok was filling some sort of void in me. Some sort of loneliness or emptiness…. and well, there are better things to fill that void with.

One thing I learned too was that when you make a proclamation to do or NOT do something you will get all sorts of temptations. Notifications that people were sending me things tried to trip me up. Emails that I had notifications. people saying “hey Did you see this on Tiktok” all the time. Everywhere.

The longer I went without it the easier it became. At first, I was all on edge and couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I couldn’t… but then it just became who I was. Someone on a TikTok Timeout.

I knew it would be good for me. I did. But I fought it because I didn’t want to deal with the fact that it was a problem.

Bottom Line is God is good. He knows me better than I know myself. Which also means that…. He knows what Good for me is.

That is all 🙂

Gratitude

I used to do this thing where in November every year I would write a list of 100 things I am grateful for. Well, Its December and… I just realized I missed 2020 and 2021. Weird. Wonder what happened? Maybe, Life?!? Well… It’s time to be grateful. Once again, this list is totally random and in No Particular order, nor is it all inclusive. So, here it goes.

1. Sunshine
2. Heated car seats
3. Warm Showers
4. Sun sets (I’m not up in time to see it rise ever)
5. my electric fireplace
6. the bible
7. blankets (side note, yes it is Cold here in Minnesota!)
8. people who hold me accountable
9. running water
10. lotion
11. medicine
12. laughter
13. kindness
14. books! I just finished my 50th book this year!
15. communication
16. Jesus!
17. the ability to remodel my house this year
18. my relationships. Family, friends. all of them
19. my church
20. my work
21. The Packers. even though this year isn’t the best…
22. Joy
23. Peace
24. Patience. I don’t have much…. but I am grateful for it
25. Tiktok. I know it wastes too much of my time but I am still grateful for the joy it brings.
26. Small humans. (especially ones I can love on and send home)
27. random snap chats
28. Music
29. the Public Library. (saved me so much money this year!)
30. getting Happy Mail. (not bills)
31. Target
32. My credit card reward points
33. hard days. cuz they make me appreciate the good days.
34. Dramamine.
35. I know I said Family, but Mom needs a special shout out. Would Not be who I am without her!
36. Photographs.
37. Snuggly kittens.
38. people who are adultier than I am
39. Therapists. (I don’t have one, but I probably should)
40. Peace and Quiet. I used to really dislike this one, but.. well now I appreciate it. Maybe I am getting old.
41. State parks. Hiking makes me happy
42. dishwashers
43. notebooks
44. Traveling
45. my little scooter
46. Venmo
47. Cruises
48. greeting cards
49. Comfy pants
50. the painting Dave bought on our first cruise
51. getting pushed outside of my comfort zone
52. book reccomendations
53. my bed.
54. the breath in my lungs
55. palm trees
56. stand up paddleboards
57. lake time
58. aqua socks
59. sunscreen
60. Extra toasty cheez-its
61. other countries
62. waterfalls
63. Easy Mac (yes, I am on an easy mac kick)
64. Running
65. Cupcakes
66. Sleep
67. On time Flights
68. Salt trucks
69. my emotional support water bottles
70. Hoodies
71. growing up in the 80s and 90s
72. christmas lights
73. Duluth Minnesota
74. Running. Did I say Running yet?!?!
75. Health
76. GoosePoop Pond
77. Ice cream and Gelato (or as I taught my Nieces “fancy Ice cream”
78. being able to keep Daves memory alive with the neices and nephews
79. bowling
80. Technology
81. My gym
82. My gym buddy/ accountabilty partner
83. My work people. They are like a family.
84. Airplanes.
85. Quarry park
86. My Siblings also need a special shout out. They have to put up with me. That for sure deserves a spot
87. generosity and the ability to be generous. I am grateful for that
88. water, in all forms
89. The ability to see
90. chap stick
91. my 401k
92. Shoes. I might have a thing for shoes.
93. my toaster
94. random acts of kindness
95. housekeepers
96. Peeps. I just really love me some Peeps
97. My reliable Cat Sitters
98. inside jokes
99. my house
100. my car.

Okay. that was actually pretty hard. There is soooooo much to be grateful for, but when I go to write a list my mind goes blank.

But there is my 2022 gratitude list. What would you add?

Dear Dave,

Man, I miss you! and Facebook memories suck sometimes. They remind me of the life we no longer have. and yes, that is just one way to look at it. I also remember the joy and the love that we shared. Today a super sweet memory popped up from when I came home to you randomly buying me flowers. Just a bittersweet reminder because you really did love me, and that will never ever happen again.

Truth be told, some days are harder than others. Today I was fine until I saw that memory, and then my brain started going crazy. So I went for a run, to a spot I call my “Dave Spot”. I feel close to you there. In one of our of our happy places. You know the place. There are pretty little purple (your favorite color) flowers growing now, I think that was you. Also saw 12 white tail deer on tonight’s run. Always little reminders of your love.

This whole house remodel thing has been so therapeutic. By therapeutic I mean hard. You were supposed to be here. And helping make all these choices. Sometimes I waffle between joy and frustration, and mad at you for being gone. I know that isn’t rational because you didn’t choose it.

Anyways tonight on my run I stopped at my “Dave Spot” and grief hit hard. I wasn’t expecting it. But I think it was because I just miss you so much. So, I figured I would once again write a list of reasons you were so special to me. Mainly so I don’t forget. So I don’t forget how blessed I was to have spent a part of my life with you. Blessed to have shared the life we had and the adventures we had. I don’t want to forget that ever. So… here is a list of what made you so special.

-you were so smart. The smartest person I ever met. At first that was a huge issue for me (but you already know that) but you just knew so many things!

-the passion in which you talked about things you loved. Cars, beer, Whiskey, history, theater, books, sound equipment. None of which I knew anything about, but the way you talked about them made you special.

-the way you would do a little shimmy when you were eating food that you really enjoyed.

-the way you cared for and loved my giant family (even though you didn’t know how to react in that environment.

-the way you put up with my “quirks” and my undiagnosed ADHD.

-the way you supported me even in things you thought I was crazy doing.

-the love you had for my nieces and nephews.

-The twinkle in your eye when you looked at me.

-the way you would grab my hand on takeoff on the airplane cuz you knew I was scared.

-the way you love your friends so deeply.

-the way you would make us omelets on the weekend. and stir fry! you cooked good babe.

What really made you special was the way that you treated people. You wanted people to have all the knowledge you did. I wonder if you realize the impact you had on people. It’s been 2 and a half years since you’ve been gone and there is still a Dave size hole in a whole lot of people.

I just want you to know that I think you would love what I’ve done with the house. It’s turning into the home of our dreams. I was able to bless others with the books you loved so much. It’s starting to feel like a fresh start. I think you would be proud. I really do. It still sucks that you aren’t here physically.

I am going to keep writing because you always said it helped.

I will continue to talk about you and continue on, trying to become the best version of ME. Keeping on putting one foot in front of the others. I am still filling in the MN state park map you bought me! Never going to stop exploring. It is however, going to be hard to fill if I just keep going to the same parks, Sorry I just Love Banning! (insert Dave Eye roll here, I miss that so much). Oh, you know what else I miss? DUH, News. AND….. I desperately miss you taking off my glasses every night. Fun fact, I end up waking up with my glasses still on my face almost every night cuz you aren’t here to take them off. I know you are not shocked by that.

woah, this was a random letter. again, you aren’t surprised.

oh, you know what else makes you special? Running to Target the night before I go on a cruise to by me a card for each day I am gone and asking my sister and nieces to make sure I get one each day. And showering before me so the bathroom was warm and steamy for my shower. and… and… and… I could just keep going on and on.

you did a thousand million little things that made you an amazing human being. and made me a very lucky human being to be loved by you.

Also, still sorry that I pushed you away for so long. I was so oblivious to the fact that you even liked me. it was crazy. It takes a special kind of human to tear down walls that I had built for 33ish years. YOU did that. and for that I am forever grateful.

Love you more.

Dear Dave,

It’s your birthday. I have really been missing you.

I ran a little Dave 5k for you this morning. and its the FASTEST I have ran since I got hurt last summer. I believe you were there… pushing me and cheering me on.

I just want to take your birthday to think about and remember SOME of the things I loved about you.

I love the way you looked at me. There was a sparkle in your eye.

I loved how you would dance a little when you ate something delicious.

I loved how you called the nephews “gentleman”

I loved how you would shower first so the bathroom was steamy for my shower.

I loved how in the wintertime you would lay on my side of the bed so it was toasty warm for me when I would crawl in.

I love how excited you got when you talked about beer or cars or history. I had zero interest in those topics but loved watching how excited you got.

I love how you were always up for adventure.

I love how you pushed me (and yourself) to be better versions of ourselves.

I love how you made me think about retirement and investing (even though I hated it at the time).

I love how you took care of me in the little ways. Keeping a hair tie, hoodie and snacks in the car for me at all times).

I love how you knew what I loved and were supportive. Like stopping to walk across a bridge in Texas. Driving to Green Bay to run at Lambeau. Flying to San Diego to run across a bridge. Even looking up and finding the best cupcake shops around.

I love how you know I don’t like getting gifts, so you would give me money to donate to charity instead.

I love how you made sure that I knew you loved me.

I love how you loved your friends SOOOO dearly.

I love how much you loved my family. ALL the craziness of all of them.

And this one I really REALLY hated at the time, but now I love and hold close to my heart (or rather my ankle, cuz that’s where I tattooed it) but You reminding me to breathe, is something I now love. and am forever grateful for.

I love how much you loved Colby. And really would love to see you with these two terrors… I mean cats I have now.

I love how you treated each of the nieces and nephews as humans and individuals. They love and miss you like crazy.

I love that you embraced my quirks and loved me for who I was. You didn’t try and make me into someone I was not.

I also love that you were patient.

I loved that you loved to read. And I think you would be really happy to know that I have been reading more myself and loving it.

I love how smart you were. Literally the smarted person I have ever met. And you were not afraid to impart that knowledge.

I could go on and on and on

Also, thank you for guiding the run this morning. It seemed like every time I was struggling, I caught a glimpse of the moon. It looked like it was just painted in the sky… cheering me on.

You were one of my biggest cheerleaders. My rock. And I miss you so much. Ps. I think I probably won the “I love you more” game. Cuz I’m still here loving you. But I wish you were still here so we could “fight” about it instead. You used to say you loved me more because you were bigger so you had more love to give. And I would say I loved you more because there was more of you to love. I. Miss. That.

I’m glad you were born on this day. And I am ever so grateful that I got as many memories as I have. Thank you for choosing to love me.

Love,

Tonya.