Running is Cheaper than Therapy

It’s just a number. A statistic. A benchmark. Data doesn’t have feelings. Numbers don’t define you. There is just a little glimpse of the inside of my brain the days leading up to my annual physical. I have not stepped on the scale since last year at my annual physical.

Today I had to face reality. I had to own up to the decisions that I have been making over the last 2 years. The habits and routines I have created for myself have got me right to this spot. A spot I never thought I would be at again, and a spot that I don’t like. The reality is a number does NOT define me. And the fact that my clothes don’t fit, for me, is just a symptom of the root cause, which is I am out of alignment. My mental health has been struggling. My body has not made it easy to keep active and also make good food choices. And truth be told I have gained 30 pounds in the last 15 months. It’s gross and I hate it.

So, whatever shall I do about it?!? Wallow in self-pity?!? Drown myself in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s?

 Well, first I had to think about who I want to be. Do I want to be unhealthy and overweight?! Nope. I sure don’t. So I did what any other human being would do and I put my running shoes on and ran 5 miles. Wait, not everyone does that huh?! Well I had to. Why?! To prove to myself that I CAN do hard things. It was freaking windy and cold and just gross out… but it was a hard thing I needed to do.

Here are some thoughts from my 5 mile run.

Worry really doesn’t get you anything. I have been freaking out about my annual physical for MONTHS, and why?!? What good does that do? Will it change the results?! Nope! It was causing me to get physically ill actually. Also why am I worried? Don’t I know that even if something is “wrong” or I got “bad news” I know who my God is and I really should be giving all my worries and cares over to him. Its like my brain creates this alternate reality that isn’t good nor is it what I want. Why spend time thinking about those things… Here is the Bible verse that has been rolling around in my head

Also, I heard on a podcast something about how we spend too much time thinking about life isn’t the way we think it should be that it robs us of how it actually is. I was thinking about that too. Over the last few years there are so many things I wish life was “this, that or the other” rather than focus on what I do have and how blessed I am that I have the life I do have.

Along those same lines. I was a thinking about unanswered prayers. You know how sometimes we feel like we have it all figured out, and God should make this certain thing happen. And we get made when he doesn’t? Like those people who go wedding dress shopping “knowing” exactly what they want. And it turns out they get something TOTALLY different. Because it turns out, they didn’t actually want that, they just thought they did. I forget that what God wants and what I want sometimes are NOT the same and what I think I want, isn’t actually what I need.

Keep moving forward. Just make the next decision a good decision. And every decision either brings me closer or further from my goals. How do we get closer? Just focus on being 1% better each day. (If you haven’t read the book Atomic Habits, you should! It’s good!! Anyways. It is not about being perfect, its about being just a tiny bit better each and every day.

Also, the rear view mirror on a car is way smaller than the windshield. Because you spend less time looking backwards because you aren’t going that way. The future is forward. And you can’t start where you are not. You have to start where you are. (Thanks Pastor Brian).

Truth be told, I wish I hadn’t gained the weight back, but I don’t regret it. Life has kicked me around a little bit over the last few years and if I could find joy in a cupcake or cookie dough… I won’t regret that. I just went to making a list of things that I have done in the past to get me back on track. My self-talk was NOT negative, in fact it was “you have done this before, you know what to do”. “How great will it feel when your pants fit better?” “What is it going to take to pull this off?” and I started breaking it down to specific plans. How do I need to set up my environment to create success? Where is my head at? How will I deal with those moments that I just don’t wanna?

That was for sure a therapy run. I feel like I can handle this. Well, not alone. I have a team of humans around me. And God on my side.

Don’t Blink

Time is a crazy thing. It seems the last two years has been the LONGEST and shortest years ever. SO much is different. EVERYTHING is different.

The two-year anniversary of Dave’s passing was this week. So, I have been thinking about a lot of things. I have been trying to stop my brain from replaying every moment of that day. From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, the 7 miles I ran that day… (I can even tell you what I was thinking about on that run), to the moment I found him unresponsive. To the phone call to 911, and the heart wrenching phone calls I had to make after that. The pit in my stomach that lasted for days and weeks. I would count the hours/ days/ weeks and months since he had been gone. Seriously I remember thinking, it’s been an hour, 5 hours, 12 hours, 24 hours…48, 72 hours. In utter shock and disbelief. Weeks were hard, every Saturday I would calculate how many Saturdays since he had been gone. I wouldn’t let myself be home at 4:00 on Saturday’s because that was a trigger for me. I would count each month as it passed. I knew someday I would stop counting, but it took a long time for me to move out of that phase and that’s okay.

This Bible verse has been in my head.

How do I make my days Count when I am here just like I counted the days since he has been gone?

This year on the anniversary instead of replaying the events of March 7th 2020 over in my head I tried to Focus on the gratitude and the lessons I have learned the last two years. The love I have felt. and the Memories I have made. To the people who were there to pick me up and carry me through.

Just thinking about how precious and short life is. How we really never know when our last day will be, so we need to make our days count. God only knows how many days we have.

I can promise you that Dave thought he would be around on March 7th, 2020. We had plans! We had lots of plans actually. He didn’t think that would be the day he took his last breath. I also can tell you that had I known, I would have hugged him a little tighter. Told him I loved him one more time. Listen to him talk a little bit longer. I miss his voice.

The other thing that I keep thinking about is what I miss the most, the reality is, It’s the little stuff. The things that were just who he was. Small little gestures that reminded me that he was thinking about and that he loved me. Don’t despise the small things. Those little things make the biggest difference. With your family, with your kids… With your job.

Here are a few more things I’ve learned through grief, heartache and well the world turning upside down the last 2 years.

• So many things are outside of our control. All we can do is choose how we respond.
• Life can change in an instant
• Take nothing for granted
• I used to HATE hugs… but when hugging isn’t an option. It became something I craved.
• There are a million ways to waste time.
• I actually really like reading a lot.
• God is in control, and He has a plan. EVEN if I don’t “get it” or… life it. He knows what He is doing.
• after you go through something tragic, take some time to find yourself.
• it’s possible to hold JOY and sadness at the same time.
• your journey is NOT the same as someone else’s.
• everyone is fighting a battle…. so just be kind.
• it’s okay to not be okay. and it’s one THOUSAND percent okay to ask for help
• sometimes success is taking a shower.
• Life is tough, but so are YOU!
• They say God doesn’t give you more than YOU can handle, I am staring to think God doesn’t give you more than HE can handle.
• You just never know who is watching you and who you might inspire.
• Grief calories don’t count. Okay, I just wish that one were true. Cupcakes and cookie dough really got me through a few rough patches.

And this song has been playing nonstop in my head as well.

I’ll post the lyrics here.

Blink

Revive

Teach me to number my days
And count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to grey

I don’t want to miss
Even just a second
More of this

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time
What is it I’ve done with my life?

It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink

When it’s all said and done
No one remembers
How far we have run
The only thing that matters
Is how we have loved

I don’t want to miss
Even just a second
More of this

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time
What is it I’ve done with my life?

It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink

Slow down
Slow down
Before today becomes
Our yesterday

Slow down
Slow down
Before you turn around and
Its too late

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time
What is it I’ve done with my life?
It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there’s no stopping time
What is it I’ve done with my life?
It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink

All that to say this. We are given one life. Embrace it. Love like crazy. Create magic. Hug tighter. Smile, laugh. Enjoy the little things. Don’t worry so much, God knows what he is doing (I’m still working on that one).

okay. that’s all for now….