It’s just a number. A statistic. A benchmark. Data doesn’t have feelings. Numbers don’t define you. There is just a little glimpse of the inside of my brain the days leading up to my annual physical. I have not stepped on the scale since last year at my annual physical.
Today I had to face reality. I had to own up to the decisions that I have been making over the last 2 years. The habits and routines I have created for myself have got me right to this spot. A spot I never thought I would be at again, and a spot that I don’t like. The reality is a number does NOT define me. And the fact that my clothes don’t fit, for me, is just a symptom of the root cause, which is I am out of alignment. My mental health has been struggling. My body has not made it easy to keep active and also make good food choices. And truth be told I have gained 30 pounds in the last 15 months. It’s gross and I hate it.
So, whatever shall I do about it?!? Wallow in self-pity?!? Drown myself in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s?
Well, first I had to think about who I want to be. Do I want to be unhealthy and overweight?! Nope. I sure don’t. So I did what any other human being would do and I put my running shoes on and ran 5 miles. Wait, not everyone does that huh?! Well I had to. Why?! To prove to myself that I CAN do hard things. It was freaking windy and cold and just gross out… but it was a hard thing I needed to do.
Here are some thoughts from my 5 mile run.
Worry really doesn’t get you anything. I have been freaking out about my annual physical for MONTHS, and why?!? What good does that do? Will it change the results?! Nope! It was causing me to get physically ill actually. Also why am I worried? Don’t I know that even if something is “wrong” or I got “bad news” I know who my God is and I really should be giving all my worries and cares over to him. Its like my brain creates this alternate reality that isn’t good nor is it what I want. Why spend time thinking about those things… Here is the Bible verse that has been rolling around in my head
Also, I heard on a podcast something about how we spend too much time thinking about life isn’t the way we think it should be that it robs us of how it actually is. I was thinking about that too. Over the last few years there are so many things I wish life was “this, that or the other” rather than focus on what I do have and how blessed I am that I have the life I do have.
Along those same lines. I was a thinking about unanswered prayers. You know how sometimes we feel like we have it all figured out, and God should make this certain thing happen. And we get made when he doesn’t? Like those people who go wedding dress shopping “knowing” exactly what they want. And it turns out they get something TOTALLY different. Because it turns out, they didn’t actually want that, they just thought they did. I forget that what God wants and what I want sometimes are NOT the same and what I think I want, isn’t actually what I need.
Keep moving forward. Just make the next decision a good decision. And every decision either brings me closer or further from my goals. How do we get closer? Just focus on being 1% better each day. (If you haven’t read the book Atomic Habits, you should! It’s good!! Anyways. It is not about being perfect, its about being just a tiny bit better each and every day.
Also, the rear view mirror on a car is way smaller than the windshield. Because you spend less time looking backwards because you aren’t going that way. The future is forward. And you can’t start where you are not. You have to start where you are. (Thanks Pastor Brian).
Truth be told, I wish I hadn’t gained the weight back, but I don’t regret it. Life has kicked me around a little bit over the last few years and if I could find joy in a cupcake or cookie dough… I won’t regret that. I just went to making a list of things that I have done in the past to get me back on track. My self-talk was NOT negative, in fact it was “you have done this before, you know what to do”. “How great will it feel when your pants fit better?” “What is it going to take to pull this off?” and I started breaking it down to specific plans. How do I need to set up my environment to create success? Where is my head at? How will I deal with those moments that I just don’t wanna?
That was for sure a therapy run. I feel like I can handle this. Well, not alone. I have a team of humans around me. And God on my side.
butterflyification 