Okay. So I did a thing. I signed up at my gym for a transformation challenge. I am posting this for accountability. Because I have been too far off track for too long. I need you people to know I am embarking on a journey. Soooo.. Yeah.
But I kinda started thinking about my weight loss journey so far. It started what feels like a bajillion years ago. I joined Weight watchers in 2004 I think for the first time. Weighing my heaviest at 220 lbs. I Went on over the course of like 15 years to lose and maintain like 80ish lbs or so. Sometimes gaining and losing it again. The past couple of years have taken a toll on this ole body. Old habits, old mindsets, bad routines have snuck in… leading to an extra 40 lbs. So that’s fun. Here is the cool part though. I have lost it before so I can do it again. Also was talking to a friend last night on her own journey and she said she was doing it “because she loved her body, not because she hates it.”
So… instead of beating myself up like in the past… I’m going to look at myself in the mirror and say, “hey girl, YOU GOT THIS” “You are stronger than you think you are”
The number on the scale doesn’t define you… its what you do next.
I do feel like I have written this very same blog before… but sometimes we need to tell ourselves things more than once. We Need to be our own cheerleaders and hype man.
My cats don’t really care what Is going on in my life… so I need to tell someone. Even if its just random strangers on the internet.
SO the journey continues. And we are NOT calling this a failure. its just a scenic route. I did tell someone recently that I am going to be a gym rat this year. And well with two gym memberships and a treadmill in my house, I have no reason not to be. I am not going to go crazy. Don’t worry… Im going to listen to my body… but you watch and see.. the transformation is underway!
and I am not writing it for sympathy. but I like to be transparent and I feel like there is a lesson in this.
Yesterday I was wrecked by a pair of pants (or three). Me and the closet did NOT see eye to eye. Truth be told I haven’t been on the scale since my annual physical in January. I have no idea what I weigh but I can tell you in my self esteem and the way my clothes fit that its not where I want it to be. I thought I was doing pretty okay. Last year was a freaking HARD year to keep myself on track. Between a couple of vacations to start the year. My world turning upside down with the death of Dave in March, Losing Colby (my beloved Cat) in May. Covid lock downs. Issolations. Loneliness. Questioning my future. Questioning everything. Trying to figure out who I am. Getting sent to work from home…Trying to work from home without going crazy (as a person who likes people… THAT was a rough one). Gym shut downs. EVERYTHING shut down. Can’t travel.
Here is the deal. I have always been an Emotional eater. That is how I would deal. Happy. Sad. Bored. Lonely. Mad. Excited… all of it. The answer was food. I tried REALLY REALLY hard in 2020 to not gain weight. I knew that if I didn’t put extreme efforts into it… I for sure would gain weight. I decided mid March last year that I did NOT want to gain weight through the grief and the global pandemic. Thank GOD for the running goal I had and the treadmill that I was lent to keep me on track. THAT was a life saver. I made it to the end of 2020 feeling pretty darn good about the path I had taken and who I was at that point.
I kept asking myself what I wanted to weight at my annual physical. That kept me going. Also its easier to run when I don’t weigh as much. Weird I know. Well then… 2021. Realizing that I weighed a little more than I wanted to at my physical, but I put some of that on the fact that I freaking ran 1000 miles in 2020, so I was cool with that.
Then what happened?!?!? Well I was totally burnt out on running. I was really over the whole COVID thing. I stopped caring about what I was putting into my mouth. And now its April and not a single pair of pants in my closet fits. I ran though a list of questions yesterday. How the heck did you let this happen?!? Why are you so stupid?! You know better than this!!! How are you going to be a good role model for the kids in your life if you do this?!? Is THIS who you want to be?! I thought you were better than this!? All super helpful ways of dealing…right?!? NOPE!!!
Lets think about this. I have officially been working from home for a year now. Guess what that means?!? I don’t HAVE to wear jeans. Truth be told I work in running pants or yoga pants almost exclusively. because I can!! and why not.. .They are so comfortable. I have a lot of “reasons” why this happened. But it all comes down to choices. Now, here is the real deal. How long I let myself sit in this and NOT do anything different will decide how much I weigh when we go back to the office. My goal was to buy new pants when we go back…but I don’t want them to be BIGGER pants.
And my current situation does NOT take away from how proud I am of how I handled 2020. I freaking came out of that better and stronger. Mentally, physically, spiritually etc. Resilient even.
here is the good news.
I have been on a Healthy living journey for most of my life. I KNOW what to do. and sitting in this Beating myself up space does me ZERO good. But I think I am allowed to sit here for a minute.
OH and the other thing… the scale does NOT define me. (OR YOU!!!) I am more than the number on the scale. I am more than the pants that don’t fit.
I am going to come out of this heathier. Cuz That is what I want. I want to feel good about myself. I have made some shifts that have me feeling pretty good about the future, but I KNOW I want a healthy body in the future.
also… I do better with a goal. so here is the goal. Imma run a half marathon.
So… I am going to shift some things. And my pity party is over. ( I have to declare that or… I’ll let it linger)
I’m surrounded by some pretty awesome people that support me and don’t judge me for getting to this point.
I would encourage you to find a tribe. Fall in love with the process. Trust the process and fall in love with yourself.
This story isn’t over… This is just a teeny bump in the road.
Just you wait and see how I come out on the other side of THIS 🙂
butterflyification 