Truth hurts sometimes…

This is a true story.

and I am not writing it for sympathy. but I like to be transparent and I feel like there is a lesson in this.

Yesterday I was wrecked by a pair of pants (or three). Me and the closet did NOT see eye to eye. Truth be told I haven’t been on the scale since my annual physical in January. I have no idea what I weigh but I can tell you in my self esteem and the way my clothes fit that its not where I want it to be. I thought I was doing pretty okay. Last year was a freaking HARD year to keep myself on track. Between a couple of vacations to start the year. My world turning upside down with the death of Dave in March, Losing Colby (my beloved Cat) in May. Covid lock downs. Issolations. Loneliness. Questioning my future. Questioning everything. Trying to figure out who I am. Getting sent to work from home…Trying to work from home without going crazy (as a person who likes people… THAT was a rough one). Gym shut downs. EVERYTHING shut down. Can’t travel.

Here is the deal. I have always been an Emotional eater. That is how I would deal. Happy. Sad. Bored. Lonely. Mad. Excited… all of it. The answer was food. I tried REALLY REALLY hard in 2020 to not gain weight. I knew that if I didn’t put extreme efforts into it… I for sure would gain weight. I decided mid March last year that I did NOT want to gain weight through the grief and the global pandemic. Thank GOD for the running goal I had and the treadmill that I was lent to keep me on track. THAT was a life saver. I made it to the end of 2020 feeling pretty darn good about the path I had taken and who I was at that point.

I kept asking myself what I wanted to weight at my annual physical. That kept me going. Also its easier to run when I don’t weigh as much. Weird I know. Well then… 2021. Realizing that I weighed a little more than I wanted to at my physical, but I put some of that on the fact that I freaking ran 1000 miles in 2020, so I was cool with that.

Then what happened?!?!? Well I was totally burnt out on running. I was really over the whole COVID thing. I stopped caring about what I was putting into my mouth. And now its April and not a single pair of pants in my closet fits. I ran though a list of questions yesterday. How the heck did you let this happen?!? Why are you so stupid?! You know better than this!!! How are you going to be a good role model for the kids in your life if you do this?!? Is THIS who you want to be?! I thought you were better than this!? All super helpful ways of dealing…right?!? NOPE!!!

Lets think about this. I have officially been working from home for a year now. Guess what that means?!? I don’t HAVE to wear jeans. Truth be told I work in running pants or yoga pants almost exclusively. because I can!! and why not.. .They are so comfortable. I have a lot of “reasons” why this happened. But it all comes down to choices. Now, here is the real deal. How long I let myself sit in this and NOT do anything different will decide how much I weigh when we go back to the office. My goal was to buy new pants when we go back…but I don’t want them to be BIGGER pants.

And my current situation does NOT take away from how proud I am of how I handled 2020. I freaking came out of that better and stronger. Mentally, physically, spiritually etc. Resilient even.

here is the good news.

I have been on a Healthy living journey for most of my life. I KNOW what to do. and sitting in this Beating myself up space does me ZERO good. But I think I am allowed to sit here for a minute.

OH and the other thing… the scale does NOT define me. (OR YOU!!!) I am more than the number on the scale. I am more than the pants that don’t fit.

I am going to come out of this heathier. Cuz That is what I want. I want to feel good about myself. I have made some shifts that have me feeling pretty good about the future, but I KNOW I want a healthy body in the future.

also… I do better with a goal. so here is the goal. Imma run a half marathon.

So… I am going to shift some things. And my pity party is over. ( I have to declare that or… I’ll let it linger)

I’m surrounded by some pretty awesome people that support me and don’t judge me for getting to this point.

I would encourage you to find a tribe. Fall in love with the process. Trust the process and fall in love with yourself.

This story isn’t over… This is just a teeny bump in the road.

Just you wait and see how I come out on the other side of THIS 🙂

525,600 minutes

This blog is 2 weeks beyond the One Year anniversary of the death of my late boyfriend, Dave. Why? Probably because its too hard to write. I just try and keep myself busy so I don’t have to think about things or feel thinks. But as he used to tell me writing is good for me and helps me and I need to do it. So here it goes.

This last year has probably been the hardest year of my life. March 2020 my heart broke into a thousand million pieces and very, very shortly after that the world shut down. Things shut down… The GYM shut down (my safe place, my happy place…my how I deal with stuff place!!) Thankfully I had a friend loan me her treadmill! I don’t know what I would have done!! We were told not to hang out with humans. I need humans!!! I was sent to work from home. Wait, what?!??! You want me to work out of the house I shared with my boyfriend just WEEKS after I found him there Nonresponsive?!?? The last place I wanted to be was in that house at all… let alone ALL. THE. TIME. The world was crazy, upside down… full of fear and the unknown!!

Good thing I have my faithful companion Colby. The one and only fat cat. Right?!? eh. not so much. Mid May I had to make the hardest decision and put him down. He just got super duper sick. I just wasn’t sure my poor broken heart could take it. It was the right thing to do. I didn’t know I needed that cat in my life when I got him like 13 years before that…. but I sure did. He was the best!! Man, that was a freakin’ hard day!

What we thought was going to be a few weeks of work from home has officially turned into more than a year of being out of the office. Separated from my work family that I have had for 20 plus years. Almost total isolation (except LUCKILY I had one co-worker who needed a place to work from home…and she came to work with me) THIS was my sanity!!! Super grateful that she puts up with me!!

For a period of time this last year, even our church closed. Blocking off that connection to the outside world as well. EVERYTHING was shut down. EVERYTHING!!! it was creepy and weird and it sucked bad.

I would love to sit here and Tell you I choose the choose the Joy every single and chased after my life purpose. but that isn’t real life people. I will say some days were easier than others. But grief is weird and hard and just plain sucks sometimes. I spend most of my time thinking about how grateful I was to get the time I did with Dave. How blessed I was to be loved by him. How I smile when I think about the little things he did to make my life better. How he pushed me to be better. How he loved me and my whole family. How him and Colby had the best bond. That stuff makes me smile so big. I still have a wall of photos of all sorts of adventures we went on and it brings me so much joy. However, Sometimes a random memory or a Facebook memory will trigger a total melt down. Sobbing uncontrollably. For what seems like no good reason.

For the first few months Saturdays were a trigger (especially around 4pm), For the first few months the 18th of the month was a trigger (we started dating on the 18th of October, but every 18th of the month he would wish me a happy anniversary). His birthday was hard. My birthday was hard. The first few holidays were extremely DOUBLE hard. Covid screwed up everything and then he wasn’t there either. Hanging out with his friend group was hard!!! (they were extremely awesome and supportive and loving…being with them… without Dave was just tough). Going through his stuff. HARD. Watching his car drive away. HARD. seeing an empty spot in the garage where his car was… and knowing his car never coming back H.A.R.D. Seeing the nephews and nieces for the first time without him… was like ripping my heart out all over again.

If I sit and think for too long the events of the day of March 7th play out. Moment by moment. From him rolling over and grabbing me tight and telling me it wasn’t time for me to get up yet. And me, just smiling and soaking in extra snuggles. and then finally slipping out of his grip… telling him I loved him and then hearing him.. for one last time telling me he loved me more. To some very specific thoughts I had on my 7 mile run that very warm sunny Saturday morning. Things I was going to tell him. Things I was excited about for US. To my 3 hour lunch with my best friend. To the moment I walked into the house (around about 4pm) and could physically FEEL something was off. I can STILL feel the pit in my stomach. I could SEE in Colby’s eyes that something was wrong. I can HEAR myself screaming as I ran through the house screaming NO.. NO… NO.. over and over and over again. and the moment I told myself I needed to Insert some thought and call 911. I remember not being able to figure out how to dial my phone. I can almost repeat for you the struggle that was the conversation with the very sweet 911 dispatch lady. I remember yelling at her. And then apologizing for yelling at her. I remember calling my mom. In hysterics. She didn’t understand a word I was saying.. but she came as quick as she could, leaving her lunch in the microwave. and didn’t leave my side for DAYS (which I will forever be grateful for). I remember the first police officer asking me a thousand questions. I remember him asking me if he should contact Dave’s Family…or if I was okay to call them. I said I could do it. I remember the kind look in his eyes as he said “are you sure” translation.. I don’t think that you really can, and that’s okay.

I can play by play the rest of the night. The people who dropped everything to be there for me. My best friend who didn’t leave my side until She thought I would be okay. My sister drove all the way to town. My work people who were hanging out at Pesty’s let me hug them and cry and process it with them. Sherry… I will forever be grateful for the moment I saw Sherry. Phone calls with Dave’s friends all across the country. some of the HARDEST phone calls I ever had to make. I remember not really sleeping that night. at all. Probably for the next few nights.

I wasn’t sure from that moment how I could live. I remember being really, really mad because “We Had Plans”. I was mad that He screwed everything up. We were not done adventuring. I remember also being really mad at myself for not letting him into my life sooner. I remember being annoyed that he didn’t make it to 45 years old cuz I was really looking forward to him being 45.

I say all of that to say this. I have learned a thing or two over the last 365 days and I wanted to write about some of them.

1. life is short. I know its said all the time. but for real!!! Just don’t take it for granted. You just never know when your time might come.
2. breathe. Just breathe.
3. cupcakes make an acceptable grieving breakfast.
4. it’s okay to enjoy what where “our” favorite traditions with others. it doesn’t make them any less special
5. seize the day.
6. just because there is a Dave size whole doesn’t mean I can’t find the joy, Love, Peace. etc.
7. God has a plan. I still don’t totally know what it is. But I believe that he does.
8. Create yourself an amazing support squad.
9. tell people what you need. People are not mind readers. SOOOO many people showered me with cupcakes and cookies and all things sweet (cuz lets be real sugar is my love language) but at some point I had to say… can someone just bring me a banana!
10. its okay to be sad. This one took me some time to realize. and I still think I am working on that one. I don’t think it is bad to be sad. Sad is healthy. But we don’t have to sit in it.
11. it is also okay to feel joy and love. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling love.. but nothing will compare to the love we had. it was unique and special. But that does NOT mean that I can’t experience amazing, blessed love.
12. Prayer and my relationship with God has been the leading source of strength this last year. It’s not me, but He who lives in me.
13. I freakin’ can do Hard things!!!
14. embrace the suck.
15. other people don’t have your joy. It’s really in side you.
16. take pictures, take videos.
17. get off your phone and enjoy the people around you
18. its okay to struggle. but it is not okay to quit.
19. ice cream isn’t the answer but it helps sometimes.
20. Life goes on. You might not know how.. but it does. Just take it one step at a time. One moment. one breath.
21. your grief journey (JUST like your life journey is YOURS… not someone elses)

Truth be told I still have not touched the basket of laundry that was there when he passed away. His side of the closet is still looking like he is coming back. I just can’t bring myself to deal with it. His flannel shirt is still hanging in the bathroom where he left it. Most of his bookshelves are still full and lining the walls of the dining room like nothing happened. There are still some songs that I can’t listen too. That bring me to tears immediately. I haven’t been able to watch Coco (that was the last movie we watched together) and I can’t bring myself to watch UP either. Maybe someday… Maybe.

I often think about how much joy he would get out of Miles and Maizy (the kittens I adopted in July). I would love to ask his opinion on the virus, and lockdowns and the vaccine and masks. but mostly I think It would have been so much fun to be quarantined with him. He was really one of the smarted guys I have ever known. I would love to hear him say that he is proud of me for keeping on my goals. For keeping on, Keeping on. I would love to ask him what I should be investing in and doing with my financial future. I would love for him to see how grown up the kids are all getting. How smart and funny they are. I think about the trips we never got to take. He wanted sooooo badly to take me to Germany where he grew up. I think about the beach house we were going to buy in retirement.

525,600 minutes. What are you going to do with it? that’s a question I asked myself on March 7th (well, a version of it anyways) and I don’t really remember what the answer was. Except for the fact that I knew that I didn’t want to get fat (I am an emotional eater) and I had a running goal to hit that I was going to make SURE that I did hit. I also knew at that moment I wanted to make Dave proud. I wanted to be able to look back and if I could some way somehow…show him what I did with the next 365 days… I wanted to be proud. And I’m not sure I did totally that, but I think, all things considering I did okay.

I get really annoyed with the saying God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. He doesn’t give us more than HE can handle.

I got a message from one of the pastors of my church in the days that followed Dave’s Passing and it sticks with me to this day. Super simple.

God’s Got this.

guess what guys… God’s got this!!

2019 Thankful List

It’s that time of year again.

The time of year where I sit down and come up with a list of 100 things I am thankful for. Write it down and publish it all for you all to read. But really it’s just to remind myself that there are plenty of things to be thankful for. Even when life is tough and you can’t remember the last time you have seen the sun and just got hammered with like 8 inches of snow… and winter in Minnesota seems like it lasts FOREVER… I need to just step back and be positive. Because it can be really easy to be negative.

So.. in no particular order here goes my 2019 Thankful list:

1. Sunshine
2. My cat Colby, AKA fat Cat
3. Sister bonding (something that doesn’t happen near often enough)
4. Movie nights
5. Running water
6. HGTV
7. Doctors
8. Photographs
9. Crafts Direct
10. Snowplows
11. People who know how to do things that I do not
12. Babies. They make me smile
13. My church.
14. Christmas Lights
15. My heated seats in my car
16. Cruise Ships
17. My childhood
18. My wonderful, loving, very supportive Boyfriend
19. Random snap chats
20. My running shoes
21. Lotion
22. Memories
23. My Health
24. The couch of awesome
25. My Job
26. Rain
27. My besties
28. Commercial Jingles
29. My slippers
30. Vacations
31. My mother. I surely wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for her.
32. My winter jacket
33. Headphones
34. Chapstick
35. People who push me to be a better version of me
36. Books
37. Electricity
38. Cheesy Christmas movies
39. People I don’t talk to as much as I would like, but they still inspire me
40. Hoodies
41. Socks
42. My nieces and Nephews.
43. Target
44. Our Pop Vinyl collection
45. Good news
46. This blog, even though I don’t do it as much as I would like
47. The lake
48. The color orange
49. Sunsets
50. Duluth Minnesota
51. My Coworkers, some of them or more like family
52. Christmas cookies
53. My Gym membership
54. WW (formerly known as Weight Watchers)
55. My past
56. Rainbows
57. Creativity
58. A clean house
59. A random text from someone you don’t often talk to
60. Walks with friends
61. Jesus
62. The power of positivity
63. Cupcakes
64. State Parks
65. Learning from failures
66. Music
67. My family. I know I mentioned some of them individually. But I really am thankful for them all
68. Lazy Sundays
69. Weekends
70. The Joy Kids. Past, present and future.
71. Ice
72. Disney, all things Disney
73. My beliefs
74. My habits, even though I am working on shifting some of them…
75. Pedicures.
76. Pens.
77. Water bottles
78. Candles.
79. Hot cocoa.
80. Everything Pumpkin flavored.
81. Cereal
82. My randomness
83. Social Media. However, this is part of the habits in need of adjusting. Too much time spend here, that’s for sure.
84. Relationships
85. Our new windows. They are just so pretty!!!!
86. Malls.
87. Butterflies
88. My weight loss journey. I’m surely not where I want to be. But Far from where I once was.
89. My running metals.
90. Randomly finding cash in your pocket you forgot about
91. My contacts.
92. Hair ties
93. Sleep
94. Built bars. My current protein bar addiction.
95. Quarry park.
96. My wonderful, reliable, amazing Cat sitters.
97. Onion rings
98. Peanut butter
99. Celling fans
100. giggling

I realized after doing a once over that I am very thankful for a lot of different kinds of food. Either I was reaching for things to list or I have a food problem. Lol. Maybe that explains the “I’m not where I want to be” aspect. Just teasing. I really love doing this list because it makes me sit here and think really hard about things in my life that I am thankful for. Some super off the wall and random, but if you think about it…what would your life be like without the little things?!?  SO if  you are going through this holiday season, or anytime really I would challenge you to sit back and think about what you are thankful for. I bet it doesn’t take long before you start to look at things differently.

Full disclosure. I can’t promise that there are no duplicates in this list as I am just getting over being sick for a few days… so there 😉

Dear Younger Me,

I’ve been thinking a lot about school lately. I think it’s because it’s September and the weather is getting cooler and all I’ve been seeing for the last few weeks is pictures of kids going back to school. It’s really got me thinking. SO.. I figured I would share my thoughts. I included some random school photos of Young Tonya for your enjoyment.

The question I asked myself was what Would I tell Little Tonya? What would I want her to know?

ENJOY IT!!!

You are only in school so long. It may seem like an eternity at the time.. but you will miss it one day. Learn stuff. Soak it in. Have fun. Don’t take it all so seriously. Lighten up a bit. You don’t have to be so uptight.

DON’T BE AFRAID!!!

Don’t miss out on things because you are afraid. Don’t let fear hold you back. Don’t let what other kids think of you stop you from doing what you really might like. Don’t be afraid that you aren’t capable of things, you don’t know.

MAKE FRIENDS!!!

Seriously! I think one of the biggest things I would tell Young Tonya is don’t be afraid of getting close to people. Open yourself up a little and make friends. Seek out someone who doesn’t have a friend and be their friend. Share your story, ask questions about them… be someone’s friend. Life is better with friends. Being afraid that people won’t like you shouldn’t hold you back from trying to make friends.

FAIL!!

Fail often and fail hard. I know this one sounds super weird Young Tonya… but it’s true. If you aren’t failing. You aren’t trying. You won’t grow. It’s scary I know. But I promise you it will be worth it. You are a human being, that’s what we do.

FEEL

It’s really, honestly okay to have feelings. You can say when you are sad or happy or disappointed. It’s okay and it’s normal. You are… in fact… a human being.

HAVE FAITH!!!

Keep learning about God. He is good and He cares about you. He Holds your future. Speaking of future, it’s not going to turn out like you think it going to… but that’s OKAY. Keep walking by faith. God has a plan. Trust it.

LOVE!!!

Love God, Love others and Love yourself. I know the last one is hard for you… but it’s actually okay to love yourself. You are a decent human being (who screws up sometimes) but you are decent. You try hard and you deserve to love yourself. Also it’s hard to love others if you can’t figure out how to love yourself. Love others. Even when they are being “unlovable” (you are “unlovable” too sometimes. but you still deserve to be loved). Speaking of Love, You DO deserve to be loved. I know you don’t believe it. But let it happen. It’s actually a really great and wonderful thing. DON’T miss out!

BE GRATEFUL!!!

For everything. The little things. The big things. The little things that turn out to be big things. All of it.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

You only get one body. Treat it well (but don’t treat it too often). You have a sweet tooth and that’s okay. Moderation is key. Portion control. Making mostly good choices and moving your body are key. Don’t stress out about it too much. Just do mostly good… most of the time and you’ll be fine. Also, don’t beat yourself up if you get off track. Mental health is even more important than physical health. Take care of it. Spiritual Health too. If you aren’t taking care of yourself it’s hard for you to be fully YOU.

EMBRACE YOU!

You are weird. Goofy. Fun. Sassy. Random. Quirky. Funny. Interesting. Loving. Creative. Embrace it.

I’m sure by this point Young Tonya would be telling me she had to go listen to NKOTB and ride her bike around the neighborhood with neighborhood kids. And she probably wouldn’t have listened to half of this because she didn’t believe she was worth it. She didn’t believe that she could go after her dreams and accomplish them. She just didn’t know what she didn’t know. I can’t go back and change her childhood and I don’t think I would. I am who I am today because of who I was in school. But these are lessons I am learning now and things I hope to keep in mind to continue to learn and grow and become an even better version of me.

This is your life

There is this song by the band Switchfoot that’s chorus contains these words. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. ARE YOU WHO YOU WANT TO BE. I have been pondering this for MONTHS. this song pops into my head ALL. THE. TIME. WHY?!? I don’t know. I think maybe because I am striving to be the person that I want to be.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes,
This is your life

And today is all you’ve got now
And today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes.

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you’ve dreamed
That it would be when the world was younger,
And you had everything to lose?

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be

Have you ever stopped and thought about who you are? Several weeks ago at work I was given the opportunity to take a personality profile type of thing that was FREAKILY accurate. It knew things about me that I try not to admit to anyone, even myself…and it knew these things from a list of words I choose. JUST WORDS. I don’t even want to tell you the things that it said about me. But here is what I got to thinking… WHO gets to choose who I am? This is MY life… I get to pick who I want to be. Hmmmm…. think about that for a moment.

I sometimes find myself with a short fuse with other human beings. Ones who maybe aren’t as “perfect” as me… I’m teasing by the way. I know how impossible I can be to work with or be around somedays. I find myself having no patience with them. Or getting irritated with things I can’t control. Is this who I want to be? do I want people to not come to me because they are afraid of how I will react? NOPE! That means I have an opportunity to change my attitude. Change my tone. Or.. as I like to tell my people “Fix my face.” I find myself bottling up my emotions from the day and taking them out on my unsuspecting, very loving and understanding boyfriend even when he has done nothing wrong. Leaving him walking on egg shells around me.  I don’t want that. That is NOT who I want to be. Good news. I don’t have to be that and It’s something I am working on.

It’s up to me to decide who I want to be.

It’s up to me to be self aware of who I am being.

I get to influence this. I can fix my face. How cool is that??!?!

Full disclosure. I am a human being. and some day’s I am going to choose to be a whiney brat. Some day’s I am going to choose to let little things bug me and some day’s I am going to chose to through a pity party. I may also chose to wear a pair of cranky pants once in awhile. Because life happens. because I am not perfect. I just hope that I can choose Joy more days than not. Choose positive and influential. Choose Inspirational. Choose success. Choose never giving up.

 

Live like you were dying….

A lot can happen in the blink of an eye. One moment everything seems to be okay and then the next moment your world changes. Takes a turn.  A phone call you don’t expect can change everything. It’s been two years since I received a phone call like that. 2 years seems like So long ago and yet just yesterday. Two years ago I lost someone I grew up with and loved like a big sister. and I miss her dearly.

Tonight I honored the anniversary of her passing with a 2 mile run.

As I was running along the river the song “Live like you were dying” came on. It felt like a message straight from Beki. The beauty of  dusk reflecting off the river was a reminder to not take a moment for granted. Not take your next breath for granted or the ability to get out and go for a run. To bask in the joy of the little things. To let go of the frustrations of the day (today was a rather trying day with the nephews.) To find the silver lining in things. To look on the bright side and be grateful for the challenges because they make the good things that much sweeter. Without rain there are no rainbows.

Beki was so full of faith and love and generosity and joy that it was contagious. I want to make her proud. I don’t know if she knows how much I looked up to her. I don’t. But I wish I could tell her. I wish I could hear her sing one more time. I wish I could hug her… just one more time. I wish she could meet her amazing niece who is adorable as can be that she never met. I wish she could see her other nieces that are growing up to be amazing, adorable wonderful little people.

But what I really want is her memory to live on. Her legacy to reflect who she was. And I wish in the middle of stressful, frustrating situations I could remember to breathe. Slow down and choose joy. That really life is too short to not to enjoy it.

Miss you like crazy Beki.

Thoughts from today’s 5k

Confession. I don’t know much about Basketball.

So yesterday at work I was trying to inspire one of my employees whom was struggling. Struggling with doubt really. Not sure he can do it. Feeling he is failing. Not sure whether or not he should keep going….

So we had a little heart to heart. I started the conversation with “Tell me a little bit about Michael Jordan.”  His eyes lit up. This guy is very passionate about sports. So he went on to tell me about all the times that Michael Jordan has failed. All the people who didn’t believe he could be successful and that he never, never, never quit. He went on and talk about how Jordan had used Rejection and Failure to fuel him to success.

Fast forward to my 5k this morning. My Hot.. HILLY… HUMID… 5k this morning. It was an amazing run to benefit kids with life threatening illnesses. Now, keep in mind I have not been running much this year. I have gained more weight than I would like to admit and just am not in “Peak Tonya performance.” So this run was extremely difficult for me.

I wanted to quit more than once. More than twice even. I stopped to walk to catch my breath (which was really hard in the humidity) and wouldn’t you know… there was a guy passing me. Not only any guy. But a guy wearing a freakin’ Michael Jordan jersey. (side note…this story would have been a thousand times cooler if it was Michael Jordan himself…. just sayin’). Meanwhile, back at the story… this guy in a Jordan jersey comes running beside me. ALL I could think about was the chat with my employee yesterday. How could I encourage someone else not to quit when I am thinking about quitting myself?!? How could I expect someone else to keep pushing through and following their dreams and pursing their goals if I was just gonna quit in the middle of a 5k?!?! I need to lead by example. I need to keep running. I would like to say that I just kept running and never looked back. But it didn’t work that way. We kept switching the lead off and on a few times. Every time he passed me I just smiled and used it as fuel to push even harder. In the end I did end up crossing the finish line before him. This story is bigger than that. This is about following your dreams. Leading by example. It’s about NEVER, NEVER, NEVER giving up.

Ps. I did find the guy at the end of the run and tell him this story and thanked him for pushing me.

You just never know who you might inspire. and you never know when someone might inspire you. I didn’t think I would be the one getting inspired from the conversation yesterday. And who knows, telling the Jordan jersey guy the story just might have inspired him as well. Pay attention to those in your circle of influence.

I’ll leave you with these thoughts from Michael Jordan himself:

When the going gets tough…

What do you do when the going gets tough??! When life is throwing you curve balls. When is seems like nothing is in your control… or going the way you want it to!?!?

Here are some of my thoughts  (you don’t know to know them all…) from tonight’s bonding session with my running shoes.

I have been hearing myself say a word quite a bit lately and I don’t like it. The word is Failure. “I feel like a failure” has come out of my mouth more often like I would like it to. it’s time for that to change… and it’s up to me to change it. I fail at my job. I fail at keeping my apartment clean. I fail at getting things done that I want to get done. I fail at being who I want to be in my relationships sometimes. I fail at following through with things that are very important. I fail at keeping my checkbook balanced. I fail at blogging as much as I want to. I fail at reading books that I really want to read…. you get the point.

Why is my brain saying that I am failing at these things?!?! I think it’s because I am working on them. And it’s hard. And I’m not seeing results as fast or in the areas I want to see them. I am a work in progress and that’s okay. and that does NOT mean I am a failure.

Work is hard. I don’t think it would be called “work” if it wasn’t hard. It would be called… Retirement. Tonight’s blog is about doing what is hard.

Tonight I went for a run (which has become harder as I’ve gained some weight and haven’t been focused on running) and it wasn’t easy.

I came upon this incline. A steep… horrific incline. Staring at me in the face. I had 2 choices. Face it or turn around and find another “easier” way to get home. 

I started thinking about life. How I want big things. How people that I work with want big things! Lots of money in retirement, a beach house, a BMW… a nice house… a good education for their children and how we can get it all. But it’s a battle. A mental battle. An internal battle of “can I do this” “is this real” “is it worth is” “what if I fail”… all these things… and I sure I missed things.  We can get those things if we work hard. If we put in effort and create habits that get us what we want. I think what is standing in our way most of the time is…. OURSELVES. Our BRAIN.

But what do we do?!?!

Here is what I did:

I put on my big girl pants and ran up the dumb incline. It was NOT fun at the moment. In fact I was severely under hydrated tonight and phlegmy and at one point ended up with spit in my eye (don’t ask)… but you know what?!?! It was freaking worth it. I felt amazing after my run was done. And the reward?!? So many things. Mental clarity. Toughness. Endurance. Mental strength. And it was for my own good. Sometimes we fight things that are for our own good because they are tough. Because life is hard. Because a lot is expected of us. But nothing easy is worth doing. The hard things are where you flourish. Where you grow outside of your comfort zone.

It’s real easy to break under pressure. To throw in the towel and quit. To literally just run away. I feel this particular subject is top of mind right now because of all of the recent suicides that have been in the news. Everyone struggles. EVERYONE. Even the ones who appear strong and unshakable are weak and shakable. The going gets tough… what are you going to do when it does?!?

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Reach out to people in your life who care for you. Something else that has been circling social medial is “check on your strong friend”. Do it. You may not know what they are struggling with.

here is a visual representation of it being “worth it” after I climbed that hill… there was a bridge over the Mississippi river and here is the treat I got. There is no filter on this photo… this is real life.

Big money (insert whatever it is that your after, Health, better relationships etc) is on the other side of the struggle. On the other side of Tough. On the other side of your comfort zone. The other side of where you are now… how are you going to get there!!?! and how much better will you be when you do?!?!

 

Precious

Have you ever lost something that you valued?!? That feeling of failure. Of what will people think? Why wasn’t I more responsible? Knowing you shouldn’t have been trusted with such a thing to begin with?!? 

So… The coolest thing just happened to me. Like. So cool. So…. Rewind to Sunday. I was at church. The message was called Home. We have been using the stories Jesus was telling including the prodigal son, the lost coins and the lost sheep. During worship I felt my beloved diamond earring fall out. I heard it hit the ground. I left it alone for the moment as to not be distracted during the message. However, I must admit that my heart sank. I know how mush those earrings must be worth… And I know how special they are to me. They were a gift from my wonderful boyfriend. Anyways, church ends and I start to search for the earring. All of a sudden a search party forms. Over the next half hour at least 25 people, in the pastor help look for it. We found the back of the earring!! At one point an incredible woman of God stops me and asked if I prayed for it. I had not. I was relying on my own strength. So we stopped and prayed. We prayed about leaving the 99, and the lost coin. We looked and looked. We even found the back of the earring. As I left Kim (the amazing woman who stopped and prayed) said something to that fact of it will be found. She was filled with such faith and hope. I’m not gonna lie… I left feeling like I let the boyfriend down. I’m notorious for losing things. I was scared to face him. I was beating myself up pretty hard. When I told him, he reacted In a very loving manner. He just held me. And told me it was okay. He is so good to me. I may have shed a tear or two. Well. I tried not to… But I choked up a bit. We went on with our lives. 

Over the next 4 days I’ve thought about it a few times. About the sheep, about the coin. About missing it. Sad. Empty. When I look in the mirror. Or feel my ear. Life just a little off. But In All honesty I didn’t think it would be found. I wasn’t even honesty looking. In my head it was at church. 

Tonight. Thursday. I’m out for a walk. I get a text from Kim. 

And then she quoted a verse we’ve been using: 

I knew at that moment. She was right. I’m not good at being still. Like hardly ever.  So.. I shut myself in. Quieted everything around me. And prayed. Not a long Prayer, A short “you know where it is God. Show me.” I decided to put my faith in God. Kim had sparked a glimmer of hope in me. And I know how good God is… But what are the odds of actually finding it at this point?!? Think needle in a haystack times a bajillion!!! It could be anywhere at this point. And my pea brain was still convinced it was at church. I mean I felt it! And the back!!  We found the back!! Fast forward 3 minutes. Yes… That isn’t a typo. I glance over at the bathroom rug. Yes, glance. Like I wasn’t looking… I just happen to look in that direction and….

 

Lying there on my bathroom rug was my precious diamond earring. My jaw dropped… And I fell to the floor praising God. Thinking about how much He cares about the littlest of details of our lives. Thinking About why I get so stressed out and worried about the dumbest things when Gods got this. I 100% believe that if I just put my faith in God that things will all be okay. But sometimes I need to be reminded. I think I’ve been so “busy” with my life that I’ve failed to realize the good things that Gods doing in and around me. I forget that I am his vessel. I forget to pay attention to his blessings. I forget all of the promises I have as a child of God. 

There are so many more things I could say about this. For example I don’t think it was a coincidence that this happened during this series. A lesson about being still. Praying. Listening to God. Seeking Godly wisdom. Lots of lessons.  But that something more I need to ponder. 

Just needed to share my miracle story. God is so much cooler than I give him credit for. 

Fitness Cruise 2017 Life Lessons

A month ago I was on a cruise ship sailing around the Caribbean. I wrote a blog about it on the plane ride home, but something happened and that particular blog has disappeared. I was disappointed when that happened because I put a lot of work into that thing…but then what happened was now, I have had a month to reflect on that week and have an even deeper appreciation for the experience. The lessons that I learned are ones that I feel a need to share.

First A little background. We signed up for this cruise over a year before it was scheduled to set sail. The Tonya that signed up for the cruise had just come off of running 681 miles in 2015 (or what I liked to call 20FITteen). I was feeling pretty good about my self and even my pants size (mostly). I was pumped for this cruise and I was hoping that it would keep me motivated through the year of 2017. Well… life kind of happened. I ate too much, I didn’t push myself hard enough in the gym, I didn’t run enough. . . I bought bigger pants. I have no reasons, no excuse, no justification. But let’s just say that by the time the cruise came around I felt like I was not worthy of going on a cruise that was about fitness or healthy living. AT ALL. Don’t get me wrong, I was way excited to be on a cruise… just didn’t feel like I would fit in. I wasn’t happy with what I had done. I was ashamed and spend A LOT of time beating myself up and not putting anything into action. But then something magical happened:

I embarked on a journey with these two lovely ladies:

We left from Miami and sailed to Ocho Rios, Jamaica and then on to Grand Cayman Island (my favorite!) and then a final stop was in Cozumel, Mexico.

The reason I even found out about this cruise was because I have been a long time fan of the show the biggest loser. NEVER, until Season 11 did I really care or feel any sort of connection with anyone from that show. However there was this one particular contestant in Season 11 that I admired. Her story, her attitude and her outlook on life was simply inspirational. Before she got onto the biggest loser she, herself, lost 100 pounds. Her smile light up the room and I thought, I could be friends with this girl. And Holy crap, if she can push herself at the gym… why can’t I! Her, and her super cool mom were my favorite. Well, I started following Courtney on Facebook and her posts keep me positive on a regular basis. When I found out she was going to be on this cruise I started to round up someone to go with. Luckily I have cool people in my life who want to spend a week on a boat with me :). So, had it not been for Courtney I wouldn’t have found out about this trip to begin with. Anyways… this is getting long already. I would probably write a short novel about all the things that I learned but from here on how I am going to go Listy. So in short.. these are some of my fitness cruise takeaways:

1. From the moment I stepped into this group of people I felt worthy and I felt like I belonged. NO ONE cared that I had gained some weight and that was AWESOME. They were there to support me and encourage me. I will never forget!

1. Be yourself. This goes back to Courtney. You know, you can be ANYTHING you want to be on social media. Courtney is exactly the same as she is online, in person. She is Genuine. It reminded ME to be genuine as well. Love ya Courtney!
2. you just never know whose life you are going to influence. I am sure I have said this before, but it’s worth saying again! This women right here is just as inspirational as her daughter. I won’t ever forget your encouragement and your attitude Marci! And of course Kevin too. You guys are so much fun and I wish we lived closer!

3. Fitness and healthy living takes a team. A tribe. A support system! I am  GRATEFUL for mine little circle, but sometimes I don’t let them in on the struggle or know how they can be supportive, but I know they are ALWAYS there. These two are a great example of how you can keep each other going. The winners of season 11. Well the winner and the runner up…but they are ALL winners in my book. Sisters. Such a bond and make me appreciate even more so the bond that I have with my sisters. I am so glad I got to know these girls. They truly are an inspiration. Even years after the show, staying the course and being so dedicated to being the person that they know they are. PS. I now want to go on another trip to NYC and take a Soul Cycle class with Olivia. Love you ladies!

4. I wish i had a picture to go with this one… but i don’t. I met this girl named “Murn” who taught me a few things.

• follow your dreams.
• it’s NEVER to late to become what you might have been in life.
• you Do you. Don’t care about what other people are doing. You do… YOU
• Every day is CHOOSE day. It doesn’t matter what day it is. it’s ALWAYS choose day. you get to choose your attitude and create the outcome of your day.
• Yoga: you can’t do it wrong and you can’t do it right.
• If you aren’t checking yourself out, how do you expect anyone else too
• it’s important to breathe
• yoga isn’t as boring as i thought it would be

5. Do something you might be scared to do. I wanted to Swim out to this infateable playground in Cozumel, but it was a hard swim and then there was this REALLY tall slide that I wasn’t sure I Could get to the top and if I did i would be terrified up there. Well I did it and it was totally worth it.

 

6. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN. Wait, did I yell that one? Full disclosure I am still working on this one. But here is what I learned from an entire week of not having my cell phone. I use it TOO MUCH. It wastes a lot of my time. I am missing out on a ton of my life by staring at my dumb phone. I am missing opportunities to connect with people. I use it to prevent myself to have to deal with the real world. It’s killing my relationships. And why?!?! Seriously. There was question whether I would be able to go a week without Facebook but it was SO FREEING! I am not kidding you! I still haven’t figured out how to totally incorporate this into my regular life, but I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I have tried to be more conscience about actually being in the moment when I am with people. It’s such a habit… baby steps.

7. speaking of that. Be in the Moment was another. Just enjoy what you are doing now. Don’t worry about what’s next or what you should be doing or what ever. Be in the moment.

8. Don’t judge people. Someone who looks unhealthy quite possibly works really hard and is really  very much healthy. We all don’t have the same standard. People come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. And all these people INSPIRE me! A community, A family… that I will not soon forget! Don’t forget to encourage those around you!

9. Don’t let other people define you. Don’t let your past define you.

10. You are stronger than you think you are. Do something that you don’t think is possible. and Be freakin’ Proud of yourself!

Sometimes is’s fun to get a little fancy

Also I would like to report that since I got back that I have been on track and my pants are looser. Truth be told, I have increased my workouts (kinda) and sorta started making better choices… but I am inspired and I haven’t totally given up on the whole healthy eating thing and that progress. I can’t tell you the last time I had onion rings OR a cupcake… soooooo. eventually the pants will fit again. But for now I am proud. I am worthy. I am ME and I am happy. I will keep running and making good choices, and someday I will be in smaller pants.

Thanks for letting me share this incredible journey on the Carnival Vista with you all.

and now… it’s time for my run!