This is your life

This is your life

this is your lifeThere is this song by the band Switchfoot that’s chorus contains these words. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. ARE YOU WHO YOU WANT TO BE. I have been pondering this for MONTHS. this song pops into my head ALL. THE. TIME. WHY?!? I don’t know. I think maybe because I am striving to be the person that I want to be.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes,
This is your life

And today is all you’ve got now
And today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes.

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you’ve dreamed
That it would be when the world was younger,
And you had everything to lose?

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be

Have you ever stopped and thought about who you are? Several weeks ago at work I was given the opportunity to take a personality profile type of thing that was FREAKILY accurate. It knew things about me that I try not to admit to anyone, even myself…and it knew these things from a list of words I choose. JUST WORDS. I don’t even want to tell you the things that it said about me. But here is what I got to thinking… WHO gets to choose who I am? This is MY life… I get to pick who I want to be. Hmmmm…. think about that for a moment.

I sometimes find myself with a short fuse with other human beings. Ones who maybe aren’t as “perfect” as me… I’m teasing by the way. I know how impossible I can be to work with or be around somedays. I find myself having no patience with them. Or getting irritated with things I can’t control. Is this who I want to be? do I want people to not come to me because they are afraid of how I will react? NOPE! That means I have an opportunity to change my attitude. Change my tone. Or.. as I like to tell my people “Fix my face.” I find myself bottling up my emotions from the day and taking them out on my unsuspecting, very loving and understanding boyfriend even when he has done nothing wrong. Leaving him walking on egg shells around me.  I don’t want that. That is NOT who I want to be. Good news. I don’t have to be that and It’s something I am working on.

It’s up to me to decide who I want to be.

It’s up to me to be self aware of who I am being.

I get to influence this. I can fix my face. How cool is that??!?!

Full disclosure. I am a human being. and some day’s I am going to choose to be a whiney brat. Some day’s I am going to choose to let little things bug me and some day’s I am going to chose to through a pity party. I may also chose to wear a pair of cranky pants once in awhile. Because life happens. because I am not perfect. I just hope that I can choose Joy more days than not. Choose positive and influential. Choose Inspirational. Choose success. Choose never giving up.

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Live like you were dying….

A lot can happen in the blink of an eye. One moment everything seems to be okay and then the next moment your world changes. Takes a turn.  A phone call you don’t expect can change everything. It’s been two years since I received a phone call like that. 2 years seems like So long ago and yet just yesterday. Two years ago I lost someone I grew up with and loved like a big sister. and I miss her dearly.

Tonight I honored the anniversary of her passing with a 2 mile run.

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As I was running along the river the song “Live like you were dying” came on. It felt like a message straight from Beki. The beauty of  dusk reflecting off the river was a reminder to not take a moment for granted. Not take your next breath for granted or the ability to get out and go for a run. To bask in the joy of the little things. To let go of the frustrations of the day (today was a rather trying day with the nephews.) To find the silver lining in things. To look on the bright side and be grateful for the challenges because they make the good things that much sweeter. Without rain there are no rainbows.

Beki was so full of faith and love and generosity and joy that it was contagious. I want to make her proud. I don’t know if she knows how much I looked up to her. I don’t. But I wish I could tell her. I wish I could hear her sing one more time. I wish I could hug her… just one more time. I wish she could meet her amazing niece who is adorable as can be that she never met. I wish she could see her other nieces that are growing up to be amazing, adorable wonderful little people.

But what I really want is her memory to live on. Her legacy to reflect who she was. And I wish in the middle of stressful, frustrating situations I could remember to breathe. Slow down and choose joy. That really life is too short to not to enjoy it.

Miss you like crazy Beki.

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Thoughts from today’s 5k

Confession. I don’t know much about Basketball.

So yesterday at work I was trying to inspire one of my employees whom was struggling. Struggling with doubt really. Not sure he can do it. Feeling he is failing. Not sure whether or not he should keep going….

So we had a little heart to heart. I started the conversation with “Tell me a little bit about Michael Jordan.”  His eyes lit up. This guy is very passionate about sports. So he went on to tell me about all the times that Michael Jordan has failed. All the people who didn’t believe he could be successful and that he never, never, never quit. He went on and talk about how Jordan had used Rejection and Failure to fuel him to success.

Fast forward to my 5k this morning. My Hot.. HILLY… HUMID… 5k this morning. It was an amazing run to benefit kids with life threatening illnesses. Now, keep in mind I have not been running much this year. I have gained more weight than I would like to admit and just am not in “Peak Tonya performance.” So this run was extremely difficult for me.

I wanted to quit more than once. More than twice even. I stopped to walk to catch my breath (which was really hard in the humidity) and wouldn’t you know… there was a guy passing me. Not only any guy. But a guy wearing a freakin’ Michael Jordan jersey. (side note…this story would have been a thousand times cooler if it was Michael Jordan himself…. just sayin’). Meanwhile, back at the story… this guy in a Jordan jersey comes running beside me. ALL I could think about was the chat with my employee yesterday. How could I encourage someone else not to quit when I am thinking about quitting myself?!? How could I expect someone else to keep pushing through and following their dreams and pursing their goals if I was just gonna quit in the middle of a 5k?!?! I need to lead by example. I need to keep running. I would like to say that I just kept running and never looked back. But it didn’t work that way. We kept switching the lead off and on a few times. Every time he passed me I just smiled and used it as fuel to push even harder. In the end I did end up crossing the finish line before him. This story is bigger than that. This is about following your dreams. Leading by example. It’s about NEVER, NEVER, NEVER giving up.

Ps. I did find the guy at the end of the run and tell him this story and thanked him for pushing me.

You just never know who you might inspire. and you never know when someone might inspire you. I didn’t think I would be the one getting inspired from the conversation yesterday. And who knows, telling the Jordan jersey guy the story just might have inspired him as well. Pay attention to those in your circle of influence.

I’ll leave you with these thoughts from Michael Jordan himself:

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When the going gets tough…

When the going gets tough…

What do you do when the going gets tough??! When life is throwing you curve balls. When is seems like nothing is in your control… or going the way you want it to!?!?

Here are some of my thoughts  (you don’t know to know them all…) from tonight’s bonding session with my running shoes.

I have been hearing myself say a word quite a bit lately and I don’t like it. The word is Failure. “I feel like a failure” has come out of my mouth more often like I would like it to. it’s time for that to change… and it’s up to me to change it. I fail at my job. I fail at keeping my apartment clean. I fail at getting things done that I want to get done. I fail at being who I want to be in my relationships sometimes. I fail at following through with things that are very important. I fail at keeping my checkbook balanced. I fail at blogging as much as I want to. I fail at reading books that I really want to read…. you get the point.

Why is my brain saying that I am failing at these things?!?! I think it’s because I am working on them. And it’s hard. And I’m not seeing results as fast or in the areas I want to see them. I am a work in progress and that’s okay. and that does NOT mean I am a failure.

Work is hard. I don’t think it would be called “work” if it wasn’t hard. It would be called… Retirement. Tonight’s blog is about doing what is hard.

Tonight I went for a run (which has become harder as I’ve gained some weight and haven’t been focused on running) and it wasn’t easy.

I came upon this incline. A steep… horrific incline. Staring at me in the face. I had 2 choices. Face it or turn around and find another “easier” way to get home. IMG_5824

I started thinking about life. How I want big things. How people that I work with want big things! Lots of money in retirement, a beach house, a BMW… a nice house… a good education for their children and how we can get it all. But it’s a battle. A mental battle. An internal battle of “can I do this” “is this real” “is it worth is” “what if I fail”… all these things… and I sure I missed things.  We can get those things if we work hard. If we put in effort and create habits that get us what we want. I think what is standing in our way most of the time is…. OURSELVES. Our BRAIN.

But what do we do?!?!

Here is what I did:

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I put on my big girl pants and ran up the dumb incline. It was NOT fun at the moment. In fact I was severely under hydrated tonight and phlegmy and at one point ended up with spit in my eye (don’t ask)… but you know what?!?! It was freaking worth it. I felt amazing after my run was done. And the reward?!? So many things. Mental clarity. Toughness. Endurance. Mental strength. And it was for my own good. Sometimes we fight things that are for our own good because they are tough. Because life is hard. Because a lot is expected of us. But nothing easy is worth doing. The hard things are where you flourish. Where you grow outside of your comfort zone.

It’s real easy to break under pressure. To throw in the towel and quit. To literally just run away. I feel this particular subject is top of mind right now because of all of the recent suicides that have been in the news. Everyone struggles. EVERYONE. Even the ones who appear strong and unshakable are weak and shakable. The going gets tough… what are you going to do when it does?!?

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Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Reach out to people in your life who care for you. Something else that has been circling social medial is “check on your strong friend”. Do it. You may not know what they are struggling with.

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here is a visual representation of it being “worth it” after I climbed that hill… there was a bridge over the Mississippi river and here is the treat I got. There is no filter on this photo… this is real life.

Big money (insert whatever it is that your after, Health, better relationships etc) is on the other side of the struggle. On the other side of Tough. On the other side of your comfort zone. The other side of where you are now… how are you going to get there!!?! and how much better will you be when you do?!?!

 

Precious

Have you ever lost something that you valued?!? That feeling of failure. Of what will people think? Why wasn’t I more responsible? Knowing you shouldn’t have been trusted with such a thing to begin with?!? 

So… The coolest thing just happened to me. Like. So cool. So…. Rewind to Sunday. I was at church. The message was called Home. We have been using the stories Jesus was telling including the prodigal son, the lost coins and the lost sheep. During worship I felt my beloved diamond earring fall out. I heard it hit the ground. I left it alone for the moment as to not be distracted during the message. However, I must admit that my heart sank. I know how mush those earrings must be worth… And I know how special they are to me. They were a gift from my wonderful boyfriend. Anyways, church ends and I start to search for the earring. All of a sudden a search party forms. Over the next half hour at least 25 people, in the pastor help look for it. We found the back of the earring!! At one point an incredible woman of God stops me and asked if I prayed for it. I had not. I was relying on my own strength. So we stopped and prayed. We prayed about leaving the 99, and the lost coin. We looked and looked. We even found the back of the earring. As I left Kim (the amazing woman who stopped and prayed) said something to that fact of it will be found. She was filled with such faith and hope. I’m not gonna lie… I left feeling like I let the boyfriend down. I’m notorious for losing things. I was scared to face him. I was beating myself up pretty hard. When I told him, he reacted In a very loving manner. He just held me. And told me it was okay. He is so good to me. I may have shed a tear or two. Well. I tried not to… But I choked up a bit. We went on with our lives. 

Over the next 4 days I’ve thought about it a few times. About the sheep, about the coin. About missing it. Sad. Empty. When I look in the mirror. Or feel my ear. Life just a little off. But In All honesty I didn’t think it would be found. I wasn’t even honesty looking. In my head it was at church. 

Tonight. Thursday. I’m out for a walk. I get a text from Kim. 


And then she quoted a verse we’ve been using: 


I knew at that moment. She was right. I’m not good at being still. Like hardly ever.  So.. I shut myself in. Quieted everything around me. And prayed. Not a long Prayer, A short “you know where it is God. Show me.” I decided to put my faith in God. Kim had sparked a glimmer of hope in me. And I know how good God is… But what are the odds of actually finding it at this point?!? Think needle in a haystack times a bajillion!!! It could be anywhere at this point. And my pea brain was still convinced it was at church. I mean I felt it! And the back!!  We found the back!! Fast forward 3 minutes. Yes… That isn’t a typo. I glance over at the bathroom rug. Yes, glance. Like I wasn’t looking… I just happen to look in that direction and….

 

Lying there on my bathroom rug was my precious diamond earring. My jaw dropped… And I fell to the floor praising God. Thinking about how much He cares about the littlest of details of our lives. Thinking About why I get so stressed out and worried about the dumbest things when Gods got this. I 100% believe that if I just put my faith in God that things will all be okay. But sometimes I need to be reminded. I think I’ve been so “busy” with my life that I’ve failed to realize the good things that Gods doing in and around me. I forget that I am his vessel. I forget to pay attention to his blessings. I forget all of the promises I have as a child of God. 

There are so many more things I could say about this. For example I don’t think it was a coincidence that this happened during this series. A lesson about being still. Praying. Listening to God. Seeking Godly wisdom. Lots of lessons.  But that something more I need to ponder. 

Just needed to share my miracle story. God is so much cooler than I give him credit for. 

Fitness Cruise 2017 Life Lessons

A month ago I was on a cruise ship sailing around the Caribbean. I wrote a blog about it on the plane ride home, but something happened and that particular blog has disappeared. I was disappointed when that happened because I put a lot of work into that thing…but then what happened was now, I have had a month to reflect on that week and have an even deeper appreciation for the experience. The lessons that I learned are ones that I feel a need to share.

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First A little background. We signed up for this cruise over a year before it was scheduled to set sail. The Tonya that signed up for the cruise had just come off of running 681 miles in 2015 (or what I liked to call 20FITteen). I was feeling pretty good about my self and even my pants size (mostly). I was pumped for this cruise and I was hoping that it would keep me motivated through the year of 2017. Well… life kind of happened. I ate too much, I didn’t push myself hard enough in the gym, I didn’t run enough. . . I bought bigger pants. I have no reasons, no excuse, no justification. But let’s just say that by the time the cruise came around I felt like I was not worthy of going on a cruise that was about fitness or healthy living. AT ALL. Don’t get me wrong, I was way excited to be on a cruise… just didn’t feel like I would fit in. I wasn’t happy with what I had done. I was ashamed and spend A LOT of time beating myself up and not putting anything into action. But then something magical happened:

I embarked on a journey with these two lovely ladies:

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We left from Miami and sailed to Ocho Rios, Jamaica and then on to Grand Cayman Island (my favorite!) and then a final stop was in Cozumel, Mexico.

The reason I even found out about this cruise was because I have been a long time fan of the show the biggest loser. NEVER, until Season 11 did I really care or feel any sort of connection with anyone from that show. However there was this one particular contestant in Season 11 that I admired. Her story, her attitude and her outlook on life was simply inspirational. Before she got onto the biggest loser she, herself, lost 100 pounds. Her smile light up the room and I thought, I could be friends with this girl. And Holy crap, if she can push herself at the gym… why can’t I! Her, and her super cool mom were my favorite. Well, I started following Courtney on Facebook and her posts keep me positive on a regular basis. When I found out she was going to be on this cruise I started to round up someone to go with. Luckily I have cool people in my life who want to spend a week on a boat with me :). So, had it not been for Courtney I wouldn’t have found out about this trip to begin with. Anyways… this is getting long already. I would probably write a short novel about all the things that I learned but from here on how I am going to go Listy. So in short.. these are some of my fitness cruise takeaways:

  1. From the moment I stepped into this group of people I felt worthy and I felt like I belonged. NO ONE cared that I had gained some weight and that was AWESOME. They were there to support me and encourage me. I will never forget!

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  1. Be yourself. This goes back to Courtney. You know, you can be ANYTHING you want to be on social media. Courtney is exactly the same as she is online, in person. She is Genuine. It reminded ME to be genuine as well. Love ya Courtney!DSCN1957
  2. you just never know whose life you are going to influence. I am sure I have said this before, but it’s worth saying again! This women right here is just as inspirational as her daughter. I won’t ever forget your encouragement and your attitude Marci! And of course Kevin too. You guys are so much fun and I wish we lived closer!

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3. Fitness and healthy living takes a team. A tribe. A support system! I am  GRATEFUL for mine little circle, but sometimes I don’t let them in on the struggle or know how they can be supportive, but I know they are ALWAYS there. These two are a great example of how you can keep each other going. The winners of season 11. Well the winner and the runner up…but they are ALL winners in my book. Sisters. Such a bond and make me appreciate even more so the bond that I have with my sisters. I am so glad I got to know these girls. They truly are an inspiration. Even years after the show, staying the course and being so dedicated to being the person that they know they are. PS. I now want to go on another trip to NYC and take a Soul Cycle class with Olivia. Love you ladies!

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4. I wish i had a picture to go with this one… but i don’t. I met this girl named “Murn” who taught me a few things.

  • follow your dreams.
  • it’s NEVER to late to become what you might have been in life.
  • you Do you. Don’t care about what other people are doing. You do… YOU
  • Every day is CHOOSE day. It doesn’t matter what day it is. it’s ALWAYS choose day. you get to choose your attitude and create the outcome of your day.
  • Yoga: you can’t do it wrong and you can’t do it right.
  • If you aren’t checking yourself out, how do you expect anyone else too
  • it’s important to breathe
  • yoga isn’t as boring as i thought it would be

5. Do something you might be scared to do. I wanted to Swim out to this infateable playground in Cozumel, but it was a hard swim and then there was this REALLY tall slide that I wasn’t sure I Could get to the top and if I did i would be terrified up there. Well I did it and it was totally worth it.

 

6. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN. Wait, did I yell that one? Full disclosure I am still working on this one. But here is what I learned from an entire week of not having my cell phone. I use it TOO MUCH. It wastes a lot of my time. I am missing out on a ton of my life by staring at my dumb phone. I am missing opportunities to connect with people. I use it to prevent myself to have to deal with the real world. It’s killing my relationships. And why?!?! Seriously. There was question whether I would be able to go a week without Facebook but it was SO FREEING! I am not kidding you! I still haven’t figured out how to totally incorporate this into my regular life, but I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I have tried to be more conscience about actually being in the moment when I am with people. It’s such a habit… baby steps.

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7. speaking of that. Be in the Moment was another. Just enjoy what you are doing now. Don’t worry about what’s next or what you should be doing or what ever. Be in the moment.

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8. Don’t judge people. Someone who looks unhealthy quite possibly works really hard and is really  very much healthy. We all don’t have the same standard. People come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. And all these people INSPIRE me! A community, A family… that I will not soon forget! Don’t forget to encourage those around you!

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9. Don’t let other people define you. Don’t let your past define you.

10. You are stronger than you think you are. Do something that you don’t think is possible. and Be freakin’ Proud of yourself!

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Sometimes is’s fun to get a little fancy

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Also I would like to report that since I got back that I have been on track and my pants are looser. Truth be told, I have increased my workouts (kinda) and sorta started making better choices… but I am inspired and I haven’t totally given up on the whole healthy eating thing and that progress. I can’t tell you the last time I had onion rings OR a cupcake… soooooo. eventually the pants will fit again. But for now I am proud. I am worthy. I am ME and I am happy. I will keep running and making good choices, and someday I will be in smaller pants.

Thanks for letting me share this incredible journey on the Carnival Vista with you all.

and now… it’s time for my run!

2017 Thankful List

SO. Once again I was reminded to write my “what is Tonya thankful for this year”  list. Reminder. This is TOTALLY RANDOM and IN NO PARTICULAR order…. This is purely a reminder of just how many things I am thankful for. The challenge is to come up with 100 things. SOOOO here it goes.

  1. My health (had a bunch of reminders this year to be thankful for my health)
  2. Sunsets
  3. sunrises. (however I am RARELY up early enough to see them, unless I am at work and then I don’t see them either)
  4. THE MOON.
  5. Bridges
  6. Words
  7. the couch of Awesome
  8. my TV remote
  9. my work friends
  10. my Mother.
  11. my crazy, energetic, busy Nephews (the tornado trio) and my entertaining Niece and nephew. and my newest nephew too! (this should really count as 6)
  12. people who know how to do things that I don’t
  13. running shoes
  14. people who save lives. IE. doctors, firefighters, EMT’s, nurses etc.
  15. babies
  16. photos
  17. vaccumm cleaners
  18. indoor plumbing
  19. music. today specifically Christmas music.
  20. pillows
  21. movies
  22. my cell phones
  23. pizza
  24. my apartment
  25. my foam roller
  26. my coworkers
  27. people who inspire me
  28. relationships
  29. rain
  30. people who annoy me
  31. vacations
  32. dreams
  33. ice cream
  34. my fitbit
  35. my high maintenance cat
  36. craft supplies. I don’t use them. but I am thankful for them
  37. blankets
  38. lakes
  39. rainbows
  40. oceans
  41. the color orange
  42. the internet
  43. my job
  44. facebook
  45. adoption
  46. love
  47. journals
  48. my siblings (all of them)
  49. my Aunts, Uncles and cousins (that’s more than 100 reasons to be thankful for right there.
  50. my high school years
  51. my college education
  52. my eyelashes
  53. humor
  54. positivity
  55. Christmas lights
  56. my car
  57. Jesus
  58. rollerblades
  59. running pants
  60. Christmas lights
  61. Cruise ships
  62. the ocean
  63. changing leaves
  64. mountains
  65. family traditions
  66. dancing
  67. joy
  68. bubbles
  69. Pumpkin spice…ummmm… everything
  70. Puns
  71. my friends
  72. inside jokes
  73. chocolate
  74. my journey
  75. my wonderful boyfriend
  76. Gilmore Girls
  77. smiles
  78. gum
  79. Cupcakes. Duh
  80. generosity
  81. my church family
  82. sunglasses
  83. headphones
  84. compassion
  85. giraffes
  86. people who are good at technology stuff
  87. hot hair balloons
  88. storage containers
  89. people who use their story to inspire others
  90. trains
  91. stars
  92. adventures
  93. running
  94. pillows
  95. HGTV
  96. fireplaces
  97. water
  98. Duluth MN
  99. my senses
  100. my memory

This list really could go ON and On and ON. But I am really thankful for this list itself. It makes me stop and think about what I am thankful for atleast once a year. I challenge you to do it to.