Transformation Challenge

Okay. So I did a thing. I signed up at my gym for a transformation challenge. I am posting this for accountability. Because I have been too far off track for too long. I need you people to know I am embarking on a journey. Soooo.. Yeah.

But I kinda started thinking about my weight loss journey so far. It started what feels like a bajillion years ago. I joined Weight watchers in 2004 I think for the first time. Weighing my heaviest at 220 lbs. I Went on over the course of like 15 years to lose and maintain like 80ish lbs or so. Sometimes gaining and losing it again. The past couple of years have taken a toll on this ole body. Old habits, old mindsets, bad routines have snuck in… leading to an extra 40 lbs. So that’s fun. Here is the cool part though. I have lost it before so I can do it again. Also was talking to a friend last night on her own journey and she said she was doing it “because she loved her body, not because she hates it.”

So… instead of beating myself up like in the past… I’m going to look at myself in the mirror and say, “hey girl, YOU GOT THIS” “You are stronger than you think you are”

The number on the scale doesn’t define you… its what you do next.

I do feel like I have written this very same blog before… but sometimes we need to tell ourselves things more than once. We Need to be our own cheerleaders and hype man.

My cats don’t really care what Is going on in my life… so I need to tell someone. Even if its just random strangers on the internet.

SO the journey continues. And we are NOT calling this a failure. its just a scenic route. I did tell someone recently that I am going to be a gym rat this year. And well with two gym memberships and a treadmill in my house, I have no reason not to be. I am not going to go crazy. Don’t worry… Im going to listen to my body… but you watch and see.. the transformation is underway!

to be continued:

Truth hurts sometimes…

This is a true story.

and I am not writing it for sympathy. but I like to be transparent and I feel like there is a lesson in this.

Yesterday I was wrecked by a pair of pants (or three). Me and the closet did NOT see eye to eye. Truth be told I haven’t been on the scale since my annual physical in January. I have no idea what I weigh but I can tell you in my self esteem and the way my clothes fit that its not where I want it to be. I thought I was doing pretty okay. Last year was a freaking HARD year to keep myself on track. Between a couple of vacations to start the year. My world turning upside down with the death of Dave in March, Losing Colby (my beloved Cat) in May. Covid lock downs. Issolations. Loneliness. Questioning my future. Questioning everything. Trying to figure out who I am. Getting sent to work from home…Trying to work from home without going crazy (as a person who likes people… THAT was a rough one). Gym shut downs. EVERYTHING shut down. Can’t travel.

Here is the deal. I have always been an Emotional eater. That is how I would deal. Happy. Sad. Bored. Lonely. Mad. Excited… all of it. The answer was food. I tried REALLY REALLY hard in 2020 to not gain weight. I knew that if I didn’t put extreme efforts into it… I for sure would gain weight. I decided mid March last year that I did NOT want to gain weight through the grief and the global pandemic. Thank GOD for the running goal I had and the treadmill that I was lent to keep me on track. THAT was a life saver. I made it to the end of 2020 feeling pretty darn good about the path I had taken and who I was at that point.

I kept asking myself what I wanted to weight at my annual physical. That kept me going. Also its easier to run when I don’t weigh as much. Weird I know. Well then… 2021. Realizing that I weighed a little more than I wanted to at my physical, but I put some of that on the fact that I freaking ran 1000 miles in 2020, so I was cool with that.

Then what happened?!?!? Well I was totally burnt out on running. I was really over the whole COVID thing. I stopped caring about what I was putting into my mouth. And now its April and not a single pair of pants in my closet fits. I ran though a list of questions yesterday. How the heck did you let this happen?!? Why are you so stupid?! You know better than this!!! How are you going to be a good role model for the kids in your life if you do this?!? Is THIS who you want to be?! I thought you were better than this!? All super helpful ways of dealing…right?!? NOPE!!!

Lets think about this. I have officially been working from home for a year now. Guess what that means?!? I don’t HAVE to wear jeans. Truth be told I work in running pants or yoga pants almost exclusively. because I can!! and why not.. .They are so comfortable. I have a lot of “reasons” why this happened. But it all comes down to choices. Now, here is the real deal. How long I let myself sit in this and NOT do anything different will decide how much I weigh when we go back to the office. My goal was to buy new pants when we go back…but I don’t want them to be BIGGER pants.

And my current situation does NOT take away from how proud I am of how I handled 2020. I freaking came out of that better and stronger. Mentally, physically, spiritually etc. Resilient even.

here is the good news.

I have been on a Healthy living journey for most of my life. I KNOW what to do. and sitting in this Beating myself up space does me ZERO good. But I think I am allowed to sit here for a minute.

OH and the other thing… the scale does NOT define me. (OR YOU!!!) I am more than the number on the scale. I am more than the pants that don’t fit.

I am going to come out of this heathier. Cuz That is what I want. I want to feel good about myself. I have made some shifts that have me feeling pretty good about the future, but I KNOW I want a healthy body in the future.

also… I do better with a goal. so here is the goal. Imma run a half marathon.

So… I am going to shift some things. And my pity party is over. ( I have to declare that or… I’ll let it linger)

I’m surrounded by some pretty awesome people that support me and don’t judge me for getting to this point.

I would encourage you to find a tribe. Fall in love with the process. Trust the process and fall in love with yourself.

This story isn’t over… This is just a teeny bump in the road.

Just you wait and see how I come out on the other side of THIS 🙂

2019 Thankful List

It’s that time of year again.

The time of year where I sit down and come up with a list of 100 things I am thankful for. Write it down and publish it all for you all to read. But really it’s just to remind myself that there are plenty of things to be thankful for. Even when life is tough and you can’t remember the last time you have seen the sun and just got hammered with like 8 inches of snow… and winter in Minnesota seems like it lasts FOREVER… I need to just step back and be positive. Because it can be really easy to be negative.

So.. in no particular order here goes my 2019 Thankful list:

1. Sunshine
2. My cat Colby, AKA fat Cat
3. Sister bonding (something that doesn’t happen near often enough)
4. Movie nights
5. Running water
6. HGTV
7. Doctors
8. Photographs
9. Crafts Direct
10. Snowplows
11. People who know how to do things that I do not
12. Babies. They make me smile
13. My church.
14. Christmas Lights
15. My heated seats in my car
16. Cruise Ships
17. My childhood
18. My wonderful, loving, very supportive Boyfriend
19. Random snap chats
20. My running shoes
21. Lotion
22. Memories
23. My Health
24. The couch of awesome
25. My Job
26. Rain
27. My besties
28. Commercial Jingles
29. My slippers
30. Vacations
31. My mother. I surely wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for her.
32. My winter jacket
33. Headphones
34. Chapstick
35. People who push me to be a better version of me
36. Books
37. Electricity
38. Cheesy Christmas movies
39. People I don’t talk to as much as I would like, but they still inspire me
40. Hoodies
41. Socks
42. My nieces and Nephews.
43. Target
44. Our Pop Vinyl collection
45. Good news
46. This blog, even though I don’t do it as much as I would like
47. The lake
48. The color orange
49. Sunsets
50. Duluth Minnesota
51. My Coworkers, some of them or more like family
52. Christmas cookies
53. My Gym membership
54. WW (formerly known as Weight Watchers)
55. My past
56. Rainbows
57. Creativity
58. A clean house
59. A random text from someone you don’t often talk to
60. Walks with friends
61. Jesus
62. The power of positivity
63. Cupcakes
64. State Parks
65. Learning from failures
66. Music
67. My family. I know I mentioned some of them individually. But I really am thankful for them all
68. Lazy Sundays
69. Weekends
70. The Joy Kids. Past, present and future.
71. Ice
72. Disney, all things Disney
73. My beliefs
74. My habits, even though I am working on shifting some of them…
75. Pedicures.
76. Pens.
77. Water bottles
78. Candles.
79. Hot cocoa.
80. Everything Pumpkin flavored.
81. Cereal
82. My randomness
83. Social Media. However, this is part of the habits in need of adjusting. Too much time spend here, that’s for sure.
84. Relationships
85. Our new windows. They are just so pretty!!!!
86. Malls.
87. Butterflies
88. My weight loss journey. I’m surely not where I want to be. But Far from where I once was.
89. My running metals.
90. Randomly finding cash in your pocket you forgot about
91. My contacts.
92. Hair ties
93. Sleep
94. Built bars. My current protein bar addiction.
95. Quarry park.
96. My wonderful, reliable, amazing Cat sitters.
97. Onion rings
98. Peanut butter
99. Celling fans
100. giggling

I realized after doing a once over that I am very thankful for a lot of different kinds of food. Either I was reaching for things to list or I have a food problem. Lol. Maybe that explains the “I’m not where I want to be” aspect. Just teasing. I really love doing this list because it makes me sit here and think really hard about things in my life that I am thankful for. Some super off the wall and random, but if you think about it…what would your life be like without the little things?!?  SO if  you are going through this holiday season, or anytime really I would challenge you to sit back and think about what you are thankful for. I bet it doesn’t take long before you start to look at things differently.

Full disclosure. I can’t promise that there are no duplicates in this list as I am just getting over being sick for a few days… so there 😉

Dear Younger Me,

I’ve been thinking a lot about school lately. I think it’s because it’s September and the weather is getting cooler and all I’ve been seeing for the last few weeks is pictures of kids going back to school. It’s really got me thinking. SO.. I figured I would share my thoughts. I included some random school photos of Young Tonya for your enjoyment.

The question I asked myself was what Would I tell Little Tonya? What would I want her to know?

ENJOY IT!!!

You are only in school so long. It may seem like an eternity at the time.. but you will miss it one day. Learn stuff. Soak it in. Have fun. Don’t take it all so seriously. Lighten up a bit. You don’t have to be so uptight.

DON’T BE AFRAID!!!

Don’t miss out on things because you are afraid. Don’t let fear hold you back. Don’t let what other kids think of you stop you from doing what you really might like. Don’t be afraid that you aren’t capable of things, you don’t know.

MAKE FRIENDS!!!

Seriously! I think one of the biggest things I would tell Young Tonya is don’t be afraid of getting close to people. Open yourself up a little and make friends. Seek out someone who doesn’t have a friend and be their friend. Share your story, ask questions about them… be someone’s friend. Life is better with friends. Being afraid that people won’t like you shouldn’t hold you back from trying to make friends.

FAIL!!

Fail often and fail hard. I know this one sounds super weird Young Tonya… but it’s true. If you aren’t failing. You aren’t trying. You won’t grow. It’s scary I know. But I promise you it will be worth it. You are a human being, that’s what we do.

FEEL

It’s really, honestly okay to have feelings. You can say when you are sad or happy or disappointed. It’s okay and it’s normal. You are… in fact… a human being.

HAVE FAITH!!!

Keep learning about God. He is good and He cares about you. He Holds your future. Speaking of future, it’s not going to turn out like you think it going to… but that’s OKAY. Keep walking by faith. God has a plan. Trust it.

LOVE!!!

Love God, Love others and Love yourself. I know the last one is hard for you… but it’s actually okay to love yourself. You are a decent human being (who screws up sometimes) but you are decent. You try hard and you deserve to love yourself. Also it’s hard to love others if you can’t figure out how to love yourself. Love others. Even when they are being “unlovable” (you are “unlovable” too sometimes. but you still deserve to be loved). Speaking of Love, You DO deserve to be loved. I know you don’t believe it. But let it happen. It’s actually a really great and wonderful thing. DON’T miss out!

BE GRATEFUL!!!

For everything. The little things. The big things. The little things that turn out to be big things. All of it.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

You only get one body. Treat it well (but don’t treat it too often). You have a sweet tooth and that’s okay. Moderation is key. Portion control. Making mostly good choices and moving your body are key. Don’t stress out about it too much. Just do mostly good… most of the time and you’ll be fine. Also, don’t beat yourself up if you get off track. Mental health is even more important than physical health. Take care of it. Spiritual Health too. If you aren’t taking care of yourself it’s hard for you to be fully YOU.

EMBRACE YOU!

You are weird. Goofy. Fun. Sassy. Random. Quirky. Funny. Interesting. Loving. Creative. Embrace it.

I’m sure by this point Young Tonya would be telling me she had to go listen to NKOTB and ride her bike around the neighborhood with neighborhood kids. And she probably wouldn’t have listened to half of this because she didn’t believe she was worth it. She didn’t believe that she could go after her dreams and accomplish them. She just didn’t know what she didn’t know. I can’t go back and change her childhood and I don’t think I would. I am who I am today because of who I was in school. But these are lessons I am learning now and things I hope to keep in mind to continue to learn and grow and become an even better version of me.

Thoughts from today’s 5k

Confession. I don’t know much about Basketball.

So yesterday at work I was trying to inspire one of my employees whom was struggling. Struggling with doubt really. Not sure he can do it. Feeling he is failing. Not sure whether or not he should keep going….

So we had a little heart to heart. I started the conversation with “Tell me a little bit about Michael Jordan.”  His eyes lit up. This guy is very passionate about sports. So he went on to tell me about all the times that Michael Jordan has failed. All the people who didn’t believe he could be successful and that he never, never, never quit. He went on and talk about how Jordan had used Rejection and Failure to fuel him to success.

Fast forward to my 5k this morning. My Hot.. HILLY… HUMID… 5k this morning. It was an amazing run to benefit kids with life threatening illnesses. Now, keep in mind I have not been running much this year. I have gained more weight than I would like to admit and just am not in “Peak Tonya performance.” So this run was extremely difficult for me.

I wanted to quit more than once. More than twice even. I stopped to walk to catch my breath (which was really hard in the humidity) and wouldn’t you know… there was a guy passing me. Not only any guy. But a guy wearing a freakin’ Michael Jordan jersey. (side note…this story would have been a thousand times cooler if it was Michael Jordan himself…. just sayin’). Meanwhile, back at the story… this guy in a Jordan jersey comes running beside me. ALL I could think about was the chat with my employee yesterday. How could I encourage someone else not to quit when I am thinking about quitting myself?!? How could I expect someone else to keep pushing through and following their dreams and pursing their goals if I was just gonna quit in the middle of a 5k?!?! I need to lead by example. I need to keep running. I would like to say that I just kept running and never looked back. But it didn’t work that way. We kept switching the lead off and on a few times. Every time he passed me I just smiled and used it as fuel to push even harder. In the end I did end up crossing the finish line before him. This story is bigger than that. This is about following your dreams. Leading by example. It’s about NEVER, NEVER, NEVER giving up.

Ps. I did find the guy at the end of the run and tell him this story and thanked him for pushing me.

You just never know who you might inspire. and you never know when someone might inspire you. I didn’t think I would be the one getting inspired from the conversation yesterday. And who knows, telling the Jordan jersey guy the story just might have inspired him as well. Pay attention to those in your circle of influence.

I’ll leave you with these thoughts from Michael Jordan himself:

When the going gets tough…

What do you do when the going gets tough??! When life is throwing you curve balls. When is seems like nothing is in your control… or going the way you want it to!?!?

Here are some of my thoughts  (you don’t know to know them all…) from tonight’s bonding session with my running shoes.

I have been hearing myself say a word quite a bit lately and I don’t like it. The word is Failure. “I feel like a failure” has come out of my mouth more often like I would like it to. it’s time for that to change… and it’s up to me to change it. I fail at my job. I fail at keeping my apartment clean. I fail at getting things done that I want to get done. I fail at being who I want to be in my relationships sometimes. I fail at following through with things that are very important. I fail at keeping my checkbook balanced. I fail at blogging as much as I want to. I fail at reading books that I really want to read…. you get the point.

Why is my brain saying that I am failing at these things?!?! I think it’s because I am working on them. And it’s hard. And I’m not seeing results as fast or in the areas I want to see them. I am a work in progress and that’s okay. and that does NOT mean I am a failure.

Work is hard. I don’t think it would be called “work” if it wasn’t hard. It would be called… Retirement. Tonight’s blog is about doing what is hard.

Tonight I went for a run (which has become harder as I’ve gained some weight and haven’t been focused on running) and it wasn’t easy.

I came upon this incline. A steep… horrific incline. Staring at me in the face. I had 2 choices. Face it or turn around and find another “easier” way to get home. 

I started thinking about life. How I want big things. How people that I work with want big things! Lots of money in retirement, a beach house, a BMW… a nice house… a good education for their children and how we can get it all. But it’s a battle. A mental battle. An internal battle of “can I do this” “is this real” “is it worth is” “what if I fail”… all these things… and I sure I missed things.  We can get those things if we work hard. If we put in effort and create habits that get us what we want. I think what is standing in our way most of the time is…. OURSELVES. Our BRAIN.

But what do we do?!?!

Here is what I did:

I put on my big girl pants and ran up the dumb incline. It was NOT fun at the moment. In fact I was severely under hydrated tonight and phlegmy and at one point ended up with spit in my eye (don’t ask)… but you know what?!?! It was freaking worth it. I felt amazing after my run was done. And the reward?!? So many things. Mental clarity. Toughness. Endurance. Mental strength. And it was for my own good. Sometimes we fight things that are for our own good because they are tough. Because life is hard. Because a lot is expected of us. But nothing easy is worth doing. The hard things are where you flourish. Where you grow outside of your comfort zone.

It’s real easy to break under pressure. To throw in the towel and quit. To literally just run away. I feel this particular subject is top of mind right now because of all of the recent suicides that have been in the news. Everyone struggles. EVERYONE. Even the ones who appear strong and unshakable are weak and shakable. The going gets tough… what are you going to do when it does?!?

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Reach out to people in your life who care for you. Something else that has been circling social medial is “check on your strong friend”. Do it. You may not know what they are struggling with.

here is a visual representation of it being “worth it” after I climbed that hill… there was a bridge over the Mississippi river and here is the treat I got. There is no filter on this photo… this is real life.

Big money (insert whatever it is that your after, Health, better relationships etc) is on the other side of the struggle. On the other side of Tough. On the other side of your comfort zone. The other side of where you are now… how are you going to get there!!?! and how much better will you be when you do?!?!

 

Fitness Cruise 2017 Life Lessons

A month ago I was on a cruise ship sailing around the Caribbean. I wrote a blog about it on the plane ride home, but something happened and that particular blog has disappeared. I was disappointed when that happened because I put a lot of work into that thing…but then what happened was now, I have had a month to reflect on that week and have an even deeper appreciation for the experience. The lessons that I learned are ones that I feel a need to share.

First A little background. We signed up for this cruise over a year before it was scheduled to set sail. The Tonya that signed up for the cruise had just come off of running 681 miles in 2015 (or what I liked to call 20FITteen). I was feeling pretty good about my self and even my pants size (mostly). I was pumped for this cruise and I was hoping that it would keep me motivated through the year of 2017. Well… life kind of happened. I ate too much, I didn’t push myself hard enough in the gym, I didn’t run enough. . . I bought bigger pants. I have no reasons, no excuse, no justification. But let’s just say that by the time the cruise came around I felt like I was not worthy of going on a cruise that was about fitness or healthy living. AT ALL. Don’t get me wrong, I was way excited to be on a cruise… just didn’t feel like I would fit in. I wasn’t happy with what I had done. I was ashamed and spend A LOT of time beating myself up and not putting anything into action. But then something magical happened:

I embarked on a journey with these two lovely ladies:

We left from Miami and sailed to Ocho Rios, Jamaica and then on to Grand Cayman Island (my favorite!) and then a final stop was in Cozumel, Mexico.

The reason I even found out about this cruise was because I have been a long time fan of the show the biggest loser. NEVER, until Season 11 did I really care or feel any sort of connection with anyone from that show. However there was this one particular contestant in Season 11 that I admired. Her story, her attitude and her outlook on life was simply inspirational. Before she got onto the biggest loser she, herself, lost 100 pounds. Her smile light up the room and I thought, I could be friends with this girl. And Holy crap, if she can push herself at the gym… why can’t I! Her, and her super cool mom were my favorite. Well, I started following Courtney on Facebook and her posts keep me positive on a regular basis. When I found out she was going to be on this cruise I started to round up someone to go with. Luckily I have cool people in my life who want to spend a week on a boat with me :). So, had it not been for Courtney I wouldn’t have found out about this trip to begin with. Anyways… this is getting long already. I would probably write a short novel about all the things that I learned but from here on how I am going to go Listy. So in short.. these are some of my fitness cruise takeaways:

1. From the moment I stepped into this group of people I felt worthy and I felt like I belonged. NO ONE cared that I had gained some weight and that was AWESOME. They were there to support me and encourage me. I will never forget!

1. Be yourself. This goes back to Courtney. You know, you can be ANYTHING you want to be on social media. Courtney is exactly the same as she is online, in person. She is Genuine. It reminded ME to be genuine as well. Love ya Courtney!
2. you just never know whose life you are going to influence. I am sure I have said this before, but it’s worth saying again! This women right here is just as inspirational as her daughter. I won’t ever forget your encouragement and your attitude Marci! And of course Kevin too. You guys are so much fun and I wish we lived closer!

3. Fitness and healthy living takes a team. A tribe. A support system! I am  GRATEFUL for mine little circle, but sometimes I don’t let them in on the struggle or know how they can be supportive, but I know they are ALWAYS there. These two are a great example of how you can keep each other going. The winners of season 11. Well the winner and the runner up…but they are ALL winners in my book. Sisters. Such a bond and make me appreciate even more so the bond that I have with my sisters. I am so glad I got to know these girls. They truly are an inspiration. Even years after the show, staying the course and being so dedicated to being the person that they know they are. PS. I now want to go on another trip to NYC and take a Soul Cycle class with Olivia. Love you ladies!

4. I wish i had a picture to go with this one… but i don’t. I met this girl named “Murn” who taught me a few things.

• follow your dreams.
• it’s NEVER to late to become what you might have been in life.
• you Do you. Don’t care about what other people are doing. You do… YOU
• Every day is CHOOSE day. It doesn’t matter what day it is. it’s ALWAYS choose day. you get to choose your attitude and create the outcome of your day.
• Yoga: you can’t do it wrong and you can’t do it right.
• If you aren’t checking yourself out, how do you expect anyone else too
• it’s important to breathe
• yoga isn’t as boring as i thought it would be

5. Do something you might be scared to do. I wanted to Swim out to this infateable playground in Cozumel, but it was a hard swim and then there was this REALLY tall slide that I wasn’t sure I Could get to the top and if I did i would be terrified up there. Well I did it and it was totally worth it.

 

6. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN. Wait, did I yell that one? Full disclosure I am still working on this one. But here is what I learned from an entire week of not having my cell phone. I use it TOO MUCH. It wastes a lot of my time. I am missing out on a ton of my life by staring at my dumb phone. I am missing opportunities to connect with people. I use it to prevent myself to have to deal with the real world. It’s killing my relationships. And why?!?! Seriously. There was question whether I would be able to go a week without Facebook but it was SO FREEING! I am not kidding you! I still haven’t figured out how to totally incorporate this into my regular life, but I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I have tried to be more conscience about actually being in the moment when I am with people. It’s such a habit… baby steps.

7. speaking of that. Be in the Moment was another. Just enjoy what you are doing now. Don’t worry about what’s next or what you should be doing or what ever. Be in the moment.

8. Don’t judge people. Someone who looks unhealthy quite possibly works really hard and is really  very much healthy. We all don’t have the same standard. People come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. And all these people INSPIRE me! A community, A family… that I will not soon forget! Don’t forget to encourage those around you!

9. Don’t let other people define you. Don’t let your past define you.

10. You are stronger than you think you are. Do something that you don’t think is possible. and Be freakin’ Proud of yourself!

Sometimes is’s fun to get a little fancy

Also I would like to report that since I got back that I have been on track and my pants are looser. Truth be told, I have increased my workouts (kinda) and sorta started making better choices… but I am inspired and I haven’t totally given up on the whole healthy eating thing and that progress. I can’t tell you the last time I had onion rings OR a cupcake… soooooo. eventually the pants will fit again. But for now I am proud. I am worthy. I am ME and I am happy. I will keep running and making good choices, and someday I will be in smaller pants.

Thanks for letting me share this incredible journey on the Carnival Vista with you all.

and now… it’s time for my run!

Life can be rough

Current location: sunny, very windy Cancun, Mexico. Vacation. Full disclosure: this girl lives for vacation. I dream about, plan, and work hard for vacations. 

Here is what happened today on my fabulous vacation. Wind. Making the Caribbean Sea VERY choppy. As the boyfriend and I played in the very rough waves a couple go thoughts crossed my mind. So I thought I would write about them. 

Life can be very rough (just like the sea)… How we handle the situation largely determines the outcome.
 Some days are rougher than others. Yesterday the waves were gentle and super fun. Not to say today wasn’t fun…. Just different. You can’t really judge one day by the last day. Don’t let the struggles of one day carry into the next. Wonder how much different life would be if we could just Let things Go and move on. Just a thought. 

The same circumstances are navigated differently by different people. The boyfriend is an entire foot taller than I am. He struggled less for that reason. He also weighs a little more than I do. You can not judge your experience based on someone else’s. This life is yours to live. Experience. Enjoy the ride. 

Don’t give up. Today it seriously felt like Tonya VS. the sea. And I felt like I was losing. Getting beat up. One wave felt like it slapped me straight in the face. However I was determined to not give up. The reward was totally worth it. As in life. Things that are worth it, don’t usually come easy. 

Surround yourself with people who have your back. Dave (that’s the boyfriend) saw me struggling a time or two. So he reached out and grabbed my hand. He even said “I’m going to just hang onto you, because if I don’t, you seem to float away.” I’ve found an important key in life is surrounding yourself with people who let you be yourself. But also call you out when you are not so much being yourself. Also keep you from danger (don’t let you drown) and don’t let you backslide. I am blessed to have a LOT of these people in my life. 

Sometimes we just need to take a break. Relax! It’s quite amazing how a break from your normal life can reset you. Makes you take some deep breaths. Stop, realize what is really important in life. Think on how blessed you are. Getting some space from the daily stresses of life= Good. 

Life is full of things to be afraid of. The sea is a very dangerous place. Those waves were very powerful. Like nothing I’ve ever experienced. However, we can’t stop that from letting us live. Being in a foreign country were we don’t know the culture, the language, the customs… Could have stopped us from exploring, but it didn’t. Be safe. Have fun. But live life.

I love the sun, sun makes me extremely happy. Winter in Minnesota sucks for a lot of reasons, one of those reasons is lack of sun. However… Too much sun isn’t good either. Just ask parts of my body that got slightly red due to overexposer. Shade became our friend. Life is about finding balance. We can’t just always sit on the beach. Life is more than vacation, I guess. 

 Life can be rough… But it’s also a wonderful, magical, fantastic adventure. Embrace the ride.  

That’s all for now!

If you can’t say something nice….

Warning rant ahead. But bear with me…. It gets good. But first a little background. Friday I was hanging out with the boyfriend and he had to run an errand for an hour or so. My first thought was “do I have enough time for a run?!?” Pretty sure there was a sparkle of joy in my eye as I said it. My second thought was “yup… I’m a runner”  He said “go for it… But not too far cuz we are going to go for a walk when I get back” seemed like a deal to me. So first I had to define “short”… So I decided that anything less than 5 miles was short. Well…  

 4.75 is less than 5! Hehe. Anyways, this is what happened on my run. I was out… Minding my own business… Enjoying a lovely Minnesota summer night.I’m running across the bridge when some idiot yells out his window something about me being slow. For the next 4 miles I had all sorts of thought percolating in my brain. Before I get into my rant I just want to say I know I’m not the fastest runner… And I am 100% OKAY with it. Sometimes I just run to clear my mind. Sometimes I run for fun or to release stress. Sometimes I run Because I Really…. REALLY like food… (You get the idea)… 

Here is what at I took from this little “insult” 

First off. You don’t know me. Which means you don’t know how far I’ve come. You don’t know the battles that I fight on a daily or hourly basis. You don’t know what I struggle with.   

  

In other words. Shut your face. Why do you have to try and put others down? Keep that crap to yourself. But also…. Don’t let other  people’s negativity hold you back from doing your thing!!! Who cares what people think! You go out there and be amazing…. And pay no attention to their negativity. I also realized I had a choice to let his observation define and ruin me… Or help push me forward… I didn’t let him continue the outcome. I win!  

  
Don’t give into your own negativity. I am my own worst critic most of the time… And can get down on myself real quick. Don’t do that. It’s not helpful. And most of all Don’t quit. What Happens then?!?  We go back to where we started… Or worse? And how does that feel?!? Keep pressing on. It’s worth it. 

  
I get a lot of smiles, nods and waves from people when I’m out running. You have no idea how much that pushes me along. Why can’t we be that? People who encourage and build each other up?!?! 

Bottom line: you have no freaking idea how hard I worked to get to… And stay where I am. Still not exactly where I wanna be… But heck of a lot further than I once was. 

Also. This is just as true in running as it is in life. Can you imagine how different the world would be if we set aside our differences  and just encouraged each other to follow our dreams. Hmmm… Something to think about…. 

Thoughts from my therapy run

So… 4 days ago I turned 35. Thirty. five. That means I am 5 years into my thirties. Like I’m edging closer to 40 every day. Before I Get to why this is a big deal… I have to show you how I celebrated my birthday  

 A run, a cupcake and some time with the boyfriend. All around a really great day. Anyways.. Moving on… 

Truth of the matter is I think it’s kinda bugging me a little. Making my brain a little foggy and making wearing my “crabby pants” way to easy these days. Sometimes I just stare off into space. Some days the whole “Choosing Joy” thing  just isn’t that easy. However tonight on my run I think I worked some things out. Weird as it sounds I think I’m having a “midlife crisis” if you will. Here’s the deal. Growing up you have this picture of what your life will be when you “grow up”… Right?!? My picture included a house, a husband, twins a dog and a job as a teacher. I even “knew” who this husband was supposed to be for years and years. Of course I was way to young to “know” this.. Not to mention that he was totally wrong for me…but that’s beside the point. Back to the picture… It of course had a deadline. I was thinking 30 would be when this would all fall in place. Ummm.. About that… 

 

Lake George. tonights therapy

 I am 35. I have….an apartment, no husband, no kids, a fat….lazy diabetic cat… And a job as a bill collector. Sometimes it seems like my siblings got everything that I wanted.. You see I am the oldest of 5 kids. One of my sisters has the twins I always wanted (plus another adorable little boy) . One of them is running a daycare (that was actually what I went to college for), my other sister is married and has a dog! and my brother has 2 adorable children. People that I graduated with have teenagers!!!  Those are the facts. My life isn’t what I thought it would be. I am not the person I thought I would “grow up” to be…and everyone “seems” to have what I wanted. Or thought I wanted….. 

Here is the conclusion I came to when I was running tonight. I am freakin blessed. I have a great life and I need to out on my big girl panties and realize  it. Here is the deal. I don’t have a house (I did at one point, that’s another story) …but I love my apartment! I don’t have a husband….but I do have a pretty terrific boyfriend. I do not have any kids… But I do have 4 awesome nephews and one amazing niece. I have a little bestie and a littlest bestie whom I lobe very much. I have the two girls I baby sat for almost their entire lives. I have cousins, and cousins kids and church kids and….. You get the point. God has placed a ton of kids in my life to have influence on. And as far the at the cat thing goes:  

  I kinda like him. I have gotten to travel and see so many things that I never dreamed I would have the opportunity to do!!  And the job thing… Some days a it really sucks. Some days it really stresses me out. Some days it makes me want to start drinking (I don’t drink, never have)… On the other hand some days it’s exciting and fun… And I honestly feel like I am changing people’s lives for the better. And then I realize I can afford things like vacations ( I really like vacation!!) and insulin for my diabetic cat…and shoes, running shoes!! And… Well, you get the point…. because of my job… It makes it not so bad. 

Bottom line from tonight’s 5 mile therapy run was this. No, I am not living the life imagined I would be when I was little. But I have a pretty freaking amazing life. I just needed a little wake up call to realize it. I have people around me who love me (even when I am unlovable) and that is what really matters. Thinking that what God had figured out for My life was a little (okay… Maybe A lOT) better than what I thought. And I may be 35… But I refuse to grow up. Cuz that in an option. I am, and will always be, just a big kid. And I kinda like the person I am becoming. As far as the rest of my life goes…. We shall see. Life is an adventure and I’m excited to see what’s in store.